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"This man, Barack Obama, is being lauded as the savior of the country -- a presidential candidate ready to be anointed -- and he can't even handle being teased about his big ears? Wait until Hillary pulls out the testicle lockbox for him."
"Don't look up my dress down there, Brian -- whatever you do."
"I hope Tim Johnson was sedated in the hospital when Dingy Harry showed up -- he had Tom Daschle with him. If I'm in the hospital and I see Dingy Harry walk in the door, I'm thinking the grim reaper has arrived -- especially with Tom Daschle in tow, because Daschle's always reminded me of a mortician."
"So Senator Bill Nelson comes out of his meeting with Bashar Assad and says, 'You know what? He's more than willing to cooperate with us.' What kind of blind bats do we have in the Senate? Hello, Neville Chamberlain!"
"Barack Obama said to Maureen Dowd, 'I just want to put you on notice: I'm very sensitive about my ears. I was teased relentlessly when I was a kid about my big ears.' If the guy's sensitive about his big ears, we need to give him a new name, like 'Dumbo.' How about, 'Barack Hussein Odumbo'?"
"Some scholar says he has proof that the prophet Mohammed had really bad epilepsy and wrote what he wrote when he was in the middle of these seizures. Now, thankfully I don't remember this guy's name because I don't want to be complicit in his death."
"We could make the argument that if Al Gore had been president, we wouldn't have gone to Iraq. We probably wouldn't have done much after 9/11, either, except conduct a bunch of seminars on why they hate us."
"'A southern California fence building company will be charged amid a long running criminal investigation into whether the company knowingly hired illegal immigrants to build its fences.' The border fence was built by illegals? Ha, ha, ha! It's not funny. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is."
"The minimum wage was not designed to provide a savings account, financial stability, two cars in the garage, and health care for people. Its purpose all along has been a political maneuver designed to show that 'government cares.'"
"Do not misunderstand me as being argumentative or confrontational. Many people do that and end up being intimidated, and I'm just a harmless, lovable little fuzzball."