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"Somebody needs to ask Chuck Schumer a question: If a Democrat is elected president, say hypothetically Mrs. Clinton in 2008, are you telling us that she will not be free to fire any United States attorney because to do so would be political? Is that the standard now?"
"Chuck Schumer is a demagogue of the first order. If you hear the word 'demagogue' and you're from Rio Linda and you're not quite sure what it is, just think 'Chuck Schumer.'"
"Oh, no! Alberto Gonzales is saying, 'I acknowledge mistakes were made in the firing of eight US attorneys.' Don't give them that! Why don't you just put a gun in your mouth and shoot yourself? That's the only thing that's going to make them happy, Alberto -- if you commit suicide on camera."
"Remember: I killed a mouse with a can of Pam. Well, that didn't kill the mouse, but it prevented him from escaping my plastic trash can. And I shook that trash can, and that mouse died. Cute little thing, too. I hated to do it."
"The one thing the Breck Girl -- John Edwards -- has going for him is that he can always change his mind. Women can change their minds like that. It's expected, and it's applauded."
"You parents out there that have fallen for this global warming stuff because your little screaming kid is coming home, 'Waa, ha, ha! We're killing the polar bears!' -- tell the kid to grow up and shut up and tell the kid that Gore is a liberal Democrat!"
"If Hillary's last name wasn't Clinton, you wouldn't know who she was. She'd still be wearing those big Coke bottle glasses and Birkenstocks, wandering around the campus of Wellesley."
"If my little cat, Punkin, were any bigger, she would eat me. You ought to see the way she is with little lizards. I rescue more lizards than you people would believe! I have to say, 'No, Punkin, those are our friends. They eat the insects.' But she doesn't care."
"AP story: 'North Pole expedition meant to bring attention to global warming was called off after one of the explorers got frostbite.' Why isn't everybody in the country hysterical over this? I feel like laughing my little ass off, folks!"
"There was a movie called The 300 Spartans with Richard Egan. I just remember that because a girl I was dating at the time had a crush on Richard Egan. That should have been my first clue that the whole relationship thing was a failure."