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"When Bush was president, the jokes were on him. With Obama, the joke's on us -- and it isn't funny."
"Obama signed a $500,000 book advance five days before being inaugurated to escape ethics rules and to earn a lot of money before his own tax increase goes into effect. Now, I wonder if President Obama will redistribute any of that $500,000 to his brother living in a hut or the brother who has cholera."
"I defy you to find, other than the US military, anything the government does that you would hire them to do if you had a job that needed to be done. Think about it."
"Let's do some bits on how smart Obama is. He is so smart that he can increase the national debt by $9 trillion and brag that he's cutting spending by $4 trillion! He's so smart, he can say for the next 27 months that he wants us out of Iraq in 16 months!"
"So Obama opened his little statement todaywith the prompter, and the prompter told him again to say that he had inherited all this. This guy is a gutless wonder."
"Last night I took a break from show prep. I sat down on the couch, grabbed the trusty remote control unit, fired up the giant, 16-foot high definition projector, and started channel surfing around. I wanted to make sure I used as much damn power as I could."
"I have never in my life told voters of any kind not to vote. Although, I may have told a couple of people that Election Day was not the day they thought it was. Just kidding! I've never done that, either."
"There aren't ugly women out there; let's just get that straight. Not on this show. You might find them in your neighborhood, but there are no ugly women on this show."
"The day's going to come when you lose control of government, liberals, and then we are going to have that control. And once we win, we're going to have the new sweeping federal tyrannical powers that you initiated during your time in power, and we are going to use them against you."
"The Rolling Stones... there's a couple of conservatives in that group. I will protect their identity, and thus their careers."