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"Time to man up, Barack. It's unseemly to keep blaming your predecessors. I mean, why stop at Bush? Why not go back and blame Hoover?"

"Do you people realize how absolutely breathtakingly depressing it is when an American citizen goes to a McDonald's, orders Chicken McNuggets, and then, when told they're out of Chicken McNuggets, calls 911 thinking they're calling the government? Do you realize how pitiful that is?"

"Killing a fly with a shoe is a much bigger insult in the fly world than killing one with your hand."

"We always hear about these foods that you can eat that will forestall cancer, supposedly. Well, let me ask you a question. Everybody who has eaten carrots in this world is dead, or will be. Is that not true?"

"That's how liberalism promises happiness: by making everybody else miserable. It breaks my heart."

"Jeremy, I don't know what you earn, and I don't know where you work. All I know is this, because it's true for everybody: You are capable of being far more than you are right now. We all are. We all have more in us than we know."

"You know, we used to have a watchdog media. That's what they were called: 'the watchdog media'. Well, today it's the lap dog media."

"What should be done on Wednesday night to counter program ABC's health care special? I have an idea for my buddies at Fox: run a movie -- The Manchurian Candidate."

"Obama and Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod... these people running the show in the White House love this kind of chaos. The more unemployment, the more anger, the greater opportunity they have to go before the cameras every day and say, 'We have a new crisis, and only government can fix it.'"

"By the way, Klaus Nomi looks exactly like you would think he would look."