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"Blitzer thought he knew lots of stuff, and he got it wrong to the tune of minus $4,600, almost a 'Jeopardy!' record."
"What a day! It's just incredible! We're getting sneezing lessons at the White House from the Health and Human Services secretary, and apparently the new way to sneeze is the way the Clampetts did on the Beverly Hillbillies."
"Do you know what the real name of Tuscan kale is? It's cavolo nero. And do you know what that means? Black cabbage. So Michelle Obama went to the farmers market to buy some racist cabbage."
"Look what I have done for Rio Linda, California. Before I discovered the place, property values out there were nothing. Now it's a big deal to say you're from Rio Linda. It's still not a big deal to be from there, but it's a big deal to say you are."
"Look, it's a well known fact -- proven in John Kerry's case, by the way -- that people who Botox up can't cry."
"I always tell people that whatever it is you want to do, talk to the people who have succeeded at it. Don't talk to the failures, because they'll bebitter about it and they'lltell you that you can't make it."
"You know something, Michelle (My Belle) was almost in tears in that speech at the White House, and is that how you appeal to feminists? You cry?"
"The American people don't want what your husband wants to 'bless' us with, Michelle, because your definition of blessed actually means screwed, and we don't want to be screwed."
"Did you hear how Olympia Snowe defined the Republican Party? She gave it a conservative definition -- limited government, individual opportunities-- yet says the party left her? Be still, my beating heart! She has expanded government beyond the scope of the party!"
"If women were happy, Oprah would be broke. I mean, she would have no audience. Even if she cried every day."