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"Apparently, Obama's not only the first post-racial president, he's also the first post-accomplishment president as well."
"A shocking announcement today from the National Football League: the Kansas City Chiefs have been named the winners of this season's Super Bowl. Well, the NFL decided to reward the Chiefs for their good intentions at rebuilding a lackluster franchise."
"George Bush liberates 50 million Muslims. Ronald Reagan liberates hundreds of millions of Europeans, saves parts Latin America. Any awards? No. Just derision. Meanwhile, Obama gives speeches trashing his own country, and he gets a prize for it."
"Mr. President, you are totally at home with the likes of Jimmy Carter and Algore and Yasser Arafat and everybody else who's won the Nobel Prize. What a club! I would have refused the Nobel, by the way, had I won the award, because I wouldn't want to be in that club of thugs."
"You know, Obama got his Nobel Peace Prize based on 11 days of work. And what was the most talked-about event in Obama's first 11 days? Me saying I wanted him to fail. This man owes me."
"F. Chuck Todd does his show prep every morning in his underwear at his mother's house, and here he is worried about me. I think he has Drive-By envy. I think he just can't stand that I have a mansion."
"I understand that people in the pork business do not want me to call this the 'pig flu' or even the 'swine flu' -- and I don't want to take the time to say 'H1N1' every time I have to talk about this -- so I'm just going to call it 'the Rosie O'Donnell virus'."
"I probably do have power, but I don't get up every morning and say, 'Okay, how can I manipulate things to get the outcomes I want?' That's not at all what's in my mind when I do this program. I'm broadcaster, and what's in my mind is doing a good show."
"I told Jamie Gangel that if I don't succeed in producing a profit every year, then I would have to fire my employees, and then they'd have to go on welfare and depend on Obama for health care, and I simply wouldn't tolerate that."
"I'm turning over a new leaf: When the staff screws up fromnow on, damn it, they're going to own up to it! I have covered for this staff for 21 years! Enough!"