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"I get choked this time of year when I think of the blessings bestowed upon me and my family, and it's all because of all of you."
"I say it every year: I have people thanking me all day long for doing this show, but you have no idea what you have meant to me."
"Have you heard about the Navy SEALs who have been charged with roughing up a detainee? Political correctness is literally destroying this country. What we're telling the world is we don't value ourselves enough to even protect our own."
"You people who call yourselves scientists, if you don't conduct your own investigation and hold public hearings on this whole global warming hoax, then you have given up your profession. This scandal is important on so many levels."
"For most of my life, my father thought he had failed because I didn't go to college. And I quit ballroom dance. And he certainly didn't understand the value of me playing Knights in White Satin by the Moody Blues every 54 minutes, as I had to do in Pittsburgh."
"Mr. Begley Jr., there's a reason I ran over you twice when I was on Jay Leno's show in that electric car: You're an idiot."
"Story: 'Sarah Obama, US President Barack Obama's 87-year-old Kenyan grandmother, has arrived in Mecca to perform the Muslim pilgrimage of hajj, the Saudi daily Okaz reported Wednesday.' So it looks like Obama's bow to the Saudi king has paid off."
"One thing that I want to pound home here today is that liberalism, Marxism, socialism -- whatever it is -- kills."
"You just angered the cold gods. You just said you never get a cold. The cold gods don't like that. It's sort of like when you're out playing golf and you hit a great shot and say, 'I got this game figured out!' The golf gods then nail you on your next swing."
"I hope they Mirandized this Ahmed Hashim Abed guy before they punched him."