To: the American children, naughty and nice:
Some changes coming to Christmas you need to know about.
First, I will no longer be wearing that familiar red outfit and hat. From now on, Santa's official color will be green. And if your house doesn't have energy-efficient bulbs,I'm not stopping there. Furthermore,because I'm fighting obesity,anybody offering me cookies and milk will be passed by --as will any home playing the song"White Christmas," which is not racially inclusive.
Next. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has been dropped from the lineup. He will replaced by Al the Green-Nosed Reindeer. Please adjust your songs accordingly.
Also, California is banning flat screen TVsbecause they use too much energy. So this year, no flat screen TVsfor anybody-- just to be fair. And kids, all toys containing plastic will be bannedbecause some people believe the additive BPA poses a risk. There isn't anyproof, but as Santa Clause, I haveto keep the lawsuits away. So if your favorite toy isn't made of cloth or wood,forget it.
Finally, children. I don't know how to break this to you,but former Vice President Algore has announced that the ice caps at my home at the North Pole will soon be gone. So after this Christmas, Ihave to close up shop at the North Poleand look for a new home for me, Mrs. Santa, the elves, and the polar bears.So, sadly,this will be your last Christmas. Enjoy it.
Oh, yeah: Ho, ho, ho! Hubba, hubba, hubba.