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"If Obama is not a Bolshevik, can point to one item in his agenda that the Communist Party USA does not support? I'll give you a hint: No."

"No, it's not really called the iTampon, Snerdley -- it's the iPad. I made a remark, though, when I first saw it was named the iPad: 'That sounds like a menstrual device!' Then a bunch of bloggers actually gave it the name 'iTampon.'"

"Obama knows he's governing against the will of the American people, and therefore his definition of success is succeeding in defying the American people. That's why I say I want him to fail."

"I wonder how former Vice President Algore felt today when he found out that on his global warming team is none other than -- dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut dadelut -- Osama Bin Laden. We have to sign that guy up for a Nobel Peace Prize. He should be a joint recipient."

"If everything is Bush's fault, then the GDP going up has to be Bush's fault, too, no? Truman said, 'The buck stops here.' Obama says, 'The glory stops here.' Clinton says, 'The buck never got here.'"

"We told you the other day that the administration is seriously studying the idea put forward by Hamid Karzai to float a hundred million dollars to the Taliban under the theory that they're just terrorists because they're poor. So, yes: We'll put a chicken in every pot and a car bomb in every garage in Afghanistan."

"Headline: 'Overweight Elderly Less Likely to Die'. Are you fatties out there loving this? All these people telling you to go on a diet… Now you can say, 'Screw you! I just found out that I'm going to live longer than you!'"

"Has anybody arrived at one of the most glaring contradictions Obama made during the State of Obama speech? He continually ran down Washington -- yet he wants to turn every aspect of our lives over to it."

"I got up at the pageant last night and I started dancing. I did the Jersey fist bump because that's what they said they wanted. So I did the Jersey fist bump and I went kind of nuts there for about 30 seconds, and -- lo and behold -- if I didn't win the judges' talent show."

"Doris Kearns Goodwin is married to Richard Goodwin, who is a funny guy. If I were a woman, I wouldn't want to be married to him, but women look at men differently, I suppose."