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"One of the biggest cultural and economic problems we have in this country is single mothers. Households without fathers."
"If there are any surviving members of Waldo de los Rios's family, they're probably asking themselves, 'What the hell has gone on this week?' And you watch --somebody will say, 'Oprah was plugging him.'"
"You House Democrats, listen to me on this: You know the polling. You know you're going down in flames regardless of what you do, but you're really going to go down in flames if you pass this."
"So according to Pelosi, quit work, indulge your fantasies, become an artist or a documentarian, and let the rest of us pay for your healthcare bill. And, by the way, if you happen to get pregnant and want to have an abortion, no worries -- we'll pay for that, too."
"I wouldn't be surprised if they try to cram amnesty into this bill, too. Why not? If you're trying to get everything done in the Senate with 51 votes, why leave anything out of this? I probably shouldn't have said that because I've given them an idea. Oh, well!"
"In this culture of ours, people have this insatiable desire to be known, insatiable desire for fame: Facebook, MySpace, Space-Butt -- whatever it is."
"Snerdley, we're about to get creamed. Look at that squall line coming in. Holy smokes, we've got a tornado watch out there! I didn't even know that. Cool! Flood watch, too? Oh, this is great! Count me in! I love inclement weather like this!"
"Story: 'A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign today against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care.' Why didn't Bill Clinton think of this?"
"I love these guys at Gawker. They make up stuff about me all the time and they're as snarky as they can be about me, but for some reason, I love these guys. You guys at Gawker? You're priceless. We love you here at the EIB Network."
"Oliver, have you ever said to this guy, 'Zeke, have you ever stopped to think that it's people like me paying you to do nothing like this?'"