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"The country is suffering from postpartisan depression, if you ask me."
"This is what we've come to: The Reds make the playoffs for the first time in 15 years, and their fans call a tattletale hotline because they're smoking victory cigars in their own clubhouse. This frosts me. I cannot tell you how much it frosts me."
"I've met Rick Sanchez, and believe me, folks... You know, he's an order of fries short of a Happy Meal. The elevator doesn't go to the top floor."
"For crying out loud, to be made fun of by Jon Stewart? Rick Sanchez ought to be thankful somebody's talking about him. If I were Sanchez, I'd be paying Stewart. I mean, I'm a nobody, and yet somebody's still talking about me."
"I don't care where conservatives gather en masse, it's always the case that they clean up their mess."
"I maintain, folks, the subprime mortgage crisis as the number one reason we have an economic collapse today, and it was brought to you exclusively by Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and the Democrat Party."
"Seth sent me this note that he was getting hate mail like he has never received before from people who thought he had screwed up by making me look human on the Family Guy."
"Let me tell you something, folks. The purpose of a business is not to make sure you have a job, and the purpose of a business is not to ensure that you have health insurance."
"The dirty little secret here is that the national political climate never was with Obama. Obama just defrauded a tremendous portion of this country, largely independents who are ripe for being defrauded."
"'Are you daring, Mr. Limbaugh, to compare our wonderful little president, Mr. Obama, to Hugo Chavez?' Yes, Mr. New Castrati, I am. A socialist is a socialist."