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"You ever notice how compromise is only necessary after Democrats lose?"
"The Republicans are really going to do it, and I like that. In fact, I love, ladies and gentlemen, the idea of reading the Constitution on the floor of the House of Representatives today. It's an exorcism. Look at it that way."
"Oh, I'm flattered: Roseanne Barr is modeling her future career after me. In truth, how many people have been doing that for who-knows-how-many years?"
"What is it with these Democrats, anyway? They're always sexualizing the opposition: 'tea baggers', 'fetishes' of the Constitution, etc. They are perverts themselves. Don't roll your eyes in there, Dawn. I mean, it is what it is."
"You talk about fetishes? I'll tell you who has a fetish. The Democrats have a fetish for Maya Angelou poems."
"The Constitution doesn't spell out what government can do; all the Constitution does is tell the government what it can't do, and the liberals hate that."
"Now we can finally say it: 'Former speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.' And there is no denying Pelosi's place in history is secure... undoubtedly to be remembered as the most unpopular speaker in our nation's history."
"By the way, John Boehner just made all of the new members of Congress swear to uphold the Constitution. There will be outrage later today and tonight on MSNBC about this."
"When the election of Obama came along, face it -- everybody thought, 'Oh, my gosh, now they've finally done it.' But after two years of pure, undiluted openness about who these people really are, look at the degree of opposition to it."
"You know how it is with ESPN... You never know."