"I have been deaf for ten years, and people still don't treat me as though I'm deaf. They whisper. They speak in my wrong ear."
"If you want to discuss abortion, it's the Democrats with blood on their hands. It's the American left with blood on its hands, when you discuss the subject of abortion."
"I think polling is used to make news, and particularly as you get closer to the election they become more relevant. A poll in March or April is worthless, 'cause the election's not in March or April. Too much is yet to happen. But you can, if you want to study them, detect trends. In swing states, Romney and Ryan are gaining ground; and Gallup has Romney 47, Obama 45."
"I thought Al Joker should dress up in a diaper, get some apple juice in a baby bottle, and do his Tropical Update from a baby crib. I kid you not."
"It's an ongoing challenge each day, during times like this, to be optimistic about the future of the country and to be realistic about it at the same time. Because even if Romney and Ryan win, we've got our work cut out for us."
"We're on the course for the country to go bankrupt, to financially implode. If something isn't done with the entitlements, if something is not done with all this redistribution spending. Something's going to have to be done no matter who wins the election."
"I'm really sick of this phony Republican War on Women. There is no such thing. It's just as absurd as my Republican War on Women theme night at the convention. In fact, that's more realistic because it's rooted in truth. If anybody does conduct a War on Women, it's the Democrats."
"Obama is waging war on anyone who makes over $200,000 a year. He wants to penalize achievement. He wants to stigmatize it. He wants anybody who is successful to be suspected of something. He wants them to be distrusted. He wants them to be resented."
"It would probably take me less time to list the groups of people that Obama's not waging war against. But when you get right down to it, Obama is waging war on pretty much everybody in this country because the people that he is telling are gonna benefit from his policies are not gonna benefit from his policies."
"The Republican War on Women? How about the Democrats' War on Sarah Palin? How about the Democrats' War on Michele Bachmann or the Democrat War on Any Woman Who Dares to be a Conservative."
"We who live in south Florida become experts. We don't need the National Hurricane Center, and we don't need all these weather dolts analyzing this for us."
"If anybody does conduct a War on Women, it's the Democrats. They conduct a war on everybody."
"Nobody, other than elite leaders, has ever benefited from socialism, Marxism, communism, or any other ism that involves an expanding central planning government."
"Hey, how about some other women that we could bring up to the stage during our War on Women theme? Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Edwards, Silda Spitzer, Huma Weiner. Bring Huma up there and all the women who marry or date or even look at a Kennedy man."
"I'm on the air three hours a day, 15 hours a week. We are not on a super-secret frequency. You don't need a secret decoder ring to listen to this program to hear what I say. It is amazing to me the number of people in the media who comment on what I say who have never heard me."
"Hey, CNN, I have a better idea for you. Instead of running a picture of me and a picture of Ryan and Romney with the graphic, 'Republicans who want Akin to go,' it should say, 'Republicans who want Obama to go.' Because that's what we're all focused on, CNN."