"Vice President Bite Me said that he would be happy to tell people how we're better off now than we were four years ago, but that it was too hot and he had to get back inside."
"You're going to see speaker after speaker after speaker at this Democrat convention trying to sound optimistic about Obama and his great work, while at the same time portraying this country in ways you don't see it, you don't recognize it, and you don't want it to be."
"Democrats can't stand up and talk about how gas prices are the new norm. They can't talk about how 8.3% unemployment is the new normal. They cannot affirmatively, positively, with good cheer, make the case for anything that's going on with the country right now."
"If both sides were ever forced to run on their records and on their agenda for the next four years, is there any doubt which side would win?"
"You know, real leaders inherit problems. The measure of a leader is what you do moving forward. This is the worst recovery in the history of the country, and there's no excuse for it."
"Everything that happened in Eastwood's gig was intended to happen. He wasn't nervous. He wasn't bumbling. It didn't take him a while to get going. It was exactly what it was intended to be."
"I saw the other day some guy at an organic egg farm won an award for the best eggs anywhere. It's all how you cook the stuff. If you put butter on anything you're going to think it's better. That's why male chefs are better than female because they don't have any fear of using butter."
"My dad always made this point. If you're going to go to a five star restaurant make sure the chef is a man. If it's a woman there won't be any butter near it."
"I have a headline if anybody wants to use it on Thursday night. If they move Thursday night's proceedings from outdoors to indoors, the headline is: 'You Didn't Fill That!' And then show a picture of Panther Stadium, Bank of America Stadium. 'You Didn't Fill That!'"
"What's going to happen the next three nights and what happened last week in Tampa at the Republican convention, is going to be stark. It's going to be profound."
"I don't even know why Obama needs a teleprompter. He's been saying the same exact thing for going on five years now, and yet he still needs the prompter."
"Over $100 million has been spent so far trying to cast Mitt Romney as some sort of evil villain, a mean-spirited extremist. Murderer! Felon! It hasn't worked. Now Romney has access to all the money he's raised and he can start firing back on his own."
"Slowly but surely we are getting news stories and polling data which reflect what's really going on. Not what the media hopes they can make happen. But, rather, what's really going on."
"This convention, I'm telling you: The contrast is going to be amazing. It's going to be stark. It's going to be profound. It's going to be the Star Wars bar scene!"
"Anytime you think Jimmy Carter offers an opportunity for your party to look better... (laughing)"
"Obama said that the Republican convention looked like the old black and white TV days. Paul Ryan said, see, Jimmy Carter is the good old days. What was wrong with those black and white TVs? What was wrong with strong families? What was wrong with all of that? So old-fashioned and quaint and it simply doesn't relate to anything going on today."
"I don't know if Ryan Lizza wants to come off as an expert about every bone in Clinton's body. There are a number of women who could testify about that, I'm sure, with far more credibility than Ryan Lizza."
"If Clinton's success is what Obama's aspiring to in his next four years. That's why the grade is incomplete."
"I have a romantic attachment to this country. I have a romantic attachment to its founding. I have a constant daily, hourly appreciation for how blessed a people we are to be Americans. Therefore I don't understand how anybody can vote for this bunch, much less be undecided."
"I'm thinking of having a Moron Stack of Stuff every day because I could do it."
"It's easy for me to sit here and tell you that in the past six months when I've seen polls that show Obama up eight or up ten, I didn't believe them. I never have believed them. I'm on record I don't know how many days in the past three months saying, quote, 'If the election were today, Romney would win in a landslide,' and I haven't wavered from that."
"The average American says this is not how this country works; this is not how we get out of trouble. We don't make excuses for what happened four, five years ago. We do something about it. And this bunch is doing things that are making it worse."
"I expect to hear my name mentioned now and then at this convention. They believe they can gin up hatred for Republicans by mentioning my name. They believe they can motivate and raise interest and enthusiasm on the part of Democrat voters by mentioning my name. So they will. And there will be others that they think cause Democrats to react the same way."
"You see where Obama was asked in an interview what grade he would give himself? He gave himself an 'incomplete.' I guess there's still too many people with jobs. (laughing) Doesn't that scare you? Gives an 'incomplete.' What the hell does that mean? There's no progress, so what does incomplete mean?"
"Clinton is going to talk about the unemployment was down, the jobs are up, the tax increases, made it happen. Obama's going to like hearing that. Obama would much rather run on Clinton's record than his own. So to the extent that Clinton can make his record seem like Obama's because they're in the same party, the same philosophies, there may be an upside in that regard."
"If the Democrats of today were ever really honest about their intentions, they wouldn't get any votes. Even the morons, if they finally knew what was intended for them, wouldn't vote for this."
"This country needs new leadership. This country is absent leadership right now. It hasn't had any real leadership in a while. People want leaders. Most people are not self starters. Most people like being inspired. That's what leaders do. Obama is not a leader."
"According to Obama and the Democrats, 'Faith, family, freedom, patriotism, hard work, success, entrepreneurism, and legal immigration are now obsolete. Outmoded. Passe. They're charming, sweet things of the past that we can't go back to. That America doesn't exist anymore.' They're scared to death by that stuff."