"The Constitution is constant. There's not one elected official who has the power to change it. There is a way to amend the Constitution, and the Constitution spells out the procedures that must be taken to change it. Presidents cannot. Now, I know this is gonna shock many of you in the low-information community."
"Bo Snerdley back today after suffering minor injuries from being thrown 30 feet from a car after being run over by a truck in a foreign country unfriendly to Americans. Great to have you back here, Bo."
"One of the mistakes I make in doing this program is assuming that the people I'm talking about are intelligent and informed and aware. I have come to the conclusion that I always overestimate these people."
"We have a president who has no problem behaving in a dictatorial fashion, and he's getting even more arrogant and condescending about it now with his reelection."
"I'm wondering if The Oprah thought to ask Lance Armstrong about his position on gun control and whether or not he's pro-choice. Well, you know, a few well-chosen answers by Lance Armstrong and he could be home free."
"Are there any crimes that are too big to be forgiven after crying about it on Oprah? Is there any limit? Does it work even on homicide?"
"The Constitution is what holds this country together. The Constitution is what defines this country. And there isn't enough knowledge -- nor is there enough respect -- for the Constitution in our country today, which is why I'm trying to help a little bit here."
"Claire Danes of Homeland said this about meeting Bill Clinton after the Golden Globes: 'I was very touched.' I bet she was."
"There were some people during the campaign who were laughed at, mocked, and made fun of for saying that the Second Amendment might be endangered by Obama's reelection. Well, now look what's happening."
"The wet dream plan for eliminating guns in this country has been a plan that the left has had for years, and it's been sitting in a drawer somewhere waiting to be pulled out at the appropriate time, just like health care."
"When you don't behave the way liberals think you should, their effort and their intention to control you compounds."
"Nobody thinks that they're in the 47%. Nobody thinks they're a sponge. Nobody thinks they're a total taker. Nobody thinks that they're just living off the fat of everybody else. That's why I was so surprised anybody was offended by Romney's comment -- nobody thinks they're in that group."
"The reason that the Democrats have not presented a budget is because they've tried to shield from the American people and the low-information voter community what their real plans are. The Democrats know full well that if they were to be up front and honest about their plans, they would not win very many elections."
"Crisis to crisis, the Republicans always cave, but it's a never-ending cycle. It's a constant shell game that is being played, and we are the suckers."
"Even after the Republicans cave, even after they give away everything, they're still racists and sexists and bigots and homophobes and creeps and lechers and purse snatchers and rapists and muggers to liberals -- and that's on a good day."
"Obama's not solving problems. He's not presenting solutions. He's all about eliminating opposition, and the only opposition to him now are conservatives."
"You know what I saw today? That the very first pictures of Blue Ivy are going to be on TV one night this week."