"We sent Senator Rubio a case of Two If By Tea. If people are gonna ask if he's qualified to be a senator because he took a sip of water, can you imagine the questions when he takes a sip of a beverage with the icon of Rush Revere on the label?"
"Still trying to come to grips here, folks, with the fact that Marco Rubio drank water on live TV. It's going to be a few days to get over that for me; I'm just dealing with it one day at a time now."
"CNN doesn't know satire when they see it. They're incapable of performing or executing satire -- particularly Wolf Blitzer, who, if it weren't for his varicose veins, would be totally colorless."
"We're not having much luck here, folks. We've been doing exhaustive research in the last four minutes, trying to find out who owned and who sold Sheila Jackson Lee and what they got for her. Well, she just said on the House floor she was a 'freed slave'."
"I have to tell you, though, in all candor, that I think Sheila Jackson Lee looks pretty good for her age. She has to be over 110, but you'd never know it."
"Now, the fact is that there aren't any tax breaks for companies who ship jobs overseas. If there were, there wouldn't be too many jobs left in this country. That's just made up by the Obama administration. But it's brilliant in a devious, dictatorial, statist kind of way."
"It used to be that on this program, we illustrated absurdity by being absurd, but I can't outdo these liberals very much anymore."
"Marc Lamont Hill and all these leftist kooks and nutcases on Twitter and Facebook... they just accept Chris Dorner's manifesto as gospel. Do they know if any of his accusations are even true?"
"Does anybody know whether Chris Dorner drank water or not? Well, it seems to be a gateway substance. You drink water and all of a sudden your qualifications to be a United States senator are called into question on CNN."
"Chris Dorner, a mass murdering malcontent, is made a hero by the US media, but Ambassador Stevens and the three other Americans who died in Benghazi are essential nobodies to them."
"The key to understanding how low-information voters see Obama is that, to them, he doesn't govern. He's not responsible for anything. He's not accountable for anything. Nothing that's happening can be tied to him."
"Obama is also playing the victim. He's doing everything he can to lower the debt, but my God, the Republicans keep thwarting him at every turn. He wants to raise taxes on the people who are responsible for this, but the Republicans won't let him. Poor Obama."
"Remember when Obama said during the campaign that the sweetest way to get revenge is to vote? We all thought: revenge against who? Well, now, we know. All of us: the people who are working."
"Obama has put forth an excuse for every one of his supporters to acknowledge their failure as not being their fault. Their unhappiness isn't their fault. They are up against powerful forces -- rich and successful people who simply don't want to share anything."
"I hope you've learned by now to never disagree with me, folks."