"I know what I want for this country, and I know that the vast majority of conservatives want the same. We want to prevent what's happening, folks. We want to prevent the destruction of the value of everything we've created as a nation. We don't want to become Greece."
"Obama's characterization of the Republicans today was libelous, and were it not for this being politics, he would have to pay a huge price for this."
"Fergie is pregnant with her husband (which noteworthy in Hollywood), and names are everything now, but how do you top Blue Ivy? Well, you name that kid Sequester. Sequester Duhamel."
"So the Drive-Bys have told us why Obama did not want a photo-op with Tiger Woods, and it had nothing to do with that busload of women I saw on I-95."
"I don't want to hang around with people who want money from me, and I certainly don't want to hang out with people from whom I would ask for money, because I don't like that. That's one of the many reasons why I would never run for office."
"I think it's safe to say, folks, that Obama has now spent more time with Tiger Woods than he has with the Republican leadership."
"By the way, the low-information voter is not some idiot who can't read and just watches TMZ all day; I mean, there are a lot of low-information voters who are corporate executives."
"I've revised my thinking: I think Obama wants the sequester to happen because I think he wants to cut down the US military in a big way -- most liberals do."
"Obama is acting like everybody on the Republican side is insulting his mother, his wife, his kids, and him, and this isn't happening. He's not being insulted -- he's the one lashing out! I'm telling you: Obama doesn't have the courage to lead."
"Obama's a groupie when it comes to celebrities. I mean, he is the Celebrity of the United States."
"Hey, give me some slack on not knowing how to pronounce Josh Duhamel's name. Duhamel. Duhamel. Whatever. I'm still not sure I got it right. But at least I can pronounce 'corps'! At least I know it's not 'corpseman'!"
"We might want to start considering registering journalists, just like we have to register guns -- background checks and all of that. Well, this is mental illness they're exhibiting."
"President Obama can't ever be seen as governing, or his leadership would be called into question. That's why he's constantly campaigning, demagoguing, and fighting against mythical foes, and that's what this sequester business is all about."
"What Obama is doing, folks, is setting the stage for a new depression which will make our current economic problems look tame or even nonexistent -- especially if his policies are not arrested."
"Sometimes I amaze myself, like Kim Kardashian amazes herself."