"I think they had to throw the Obamas a crumb because, in truth, the Obamas got snubbed at the Academy Awards last night, folks. Not only did his campaign ad, Zero Dark Thirty, not win, but his semi-autobiography, Lincoln, lost out, too."
"Guess what happens at the end of March, folks? We run out of money for real, and this next crisis is going to make this sequester look like Romper Room."
"I can't figure Twitter out. The way Twitter is formatted, I can't tell who is saying something and who's replying to something. I don't know who the tweeter is and who's responding to the twit."
"I've been in the recording studio with Seth MacFarlane, and I don't care what you think of him: the man is profoundly, supremely talented. Now, there are a lot of characterizations about how he uses it and what direction he takes it in, but there's no denying his talent, and he's a profoundly hard worker."
"I mean, if you want a bunch of guys singing about seeing beautiful women's breasts, you're gonna have to get some group like the Gay Men's Chorus to do it."
"Michelle Obama showing up at the last minute of the Oscar telecast was out of place, unnecessary, and unneeded. And I was wondering: at some point -- even with the cult-like, low-information voters -- can the Obamas wear out their welcome?"
"Santa Cruz is Moscow by the Bay, maybe even worse than that. But it's beautiful place, don't misunderstand."
"So a bunch of young whippersnapper journalists are getting all over Bob Woodward's case because Woodward is blaming Obama for the sequester, and they want to blame the Republicans for it. It was Obama's idea! Woodward's just being truthful."
"I promise that the next call we go to will actually have somebody on a functioning phone line."
"It was Democrats who were fire-hosing and beating up blacks during the Civil Rights era, yet somehow it's Republicans who are the racists. It was FDR who interned Japanese citizens and violated their constitutional rights, yet somehow it's Republicans who oppose civil liberties."
"Low-information voters don't have any problem with hearing that Obama pledged four years ago to cut the deficit in half -- they think he's still trying. They think he's been trying for four years, but there's just some mean people standing in his way."
"A United States collapse would be much different than a Greece collapse. Greece can collapse and there's a ripple. We collapse, and the world feels it."
"I could be wrong, but I think we've gotten to the point where, for a lot of people, as long as they got their TV, their food stamps, their cell phone coverage, and their pitcher of beer, the economy doesn't matter to them."
"The one thing that we don't have anywhere as far as the eye can see is policies that engineer or make possible economic growth, and that's the sad reality."
"The Mary Jane Girls are part of the Rick James harem. Well, I don't know if the harem exists anymore because Rick James doesn't. Sadly, he's on the wrong side of the grass."