"Don't depend on a politician for where you're going to end up in life. They can't possibly care about you as much as you do, so don't even ask them. Just do it yourself."
"We can debate whether Nancy Pelosi's an idiot or not, but she really believes this: she really thinks that the government paying you unemployment benefits is the equivalent of a giant economic stimulus."
"I just got an e-mail from a friend of mine in Kansas who just heard the three minute audio clip from my television show back in 1995. He said: 'You know what that was? That was The Daily Show. You were doing The Daily Show back then.'"
"Eighty percent of high school graduates in New York City are illiterate, can't read. Now, who do you think they vote for? What do you think they expect out of life?"
"I realize that the term 'feminazi' might not be useful and helpful in outreach towards low-information voters, but to heck with it. I love the term, and I'm sticking with it. Plus, it works."
"The power structure there has been totally turned upside down in the Senate and in Washington, and even members of the Drive-By Media are talking about how they sense something major has changed. And it's all because one guy stood up and dared challenge the regime."
"Makeovers can do some kind of magic, but let's face it, not everybody's born attractive. There's some ugly people out there."
"What are we spending now on health care? And is it getting any more affordable, is it getting any more plentiful, is it becoming any more available for anybody? No. It hasn't improved at all. It has gotten more cumbersome. It has become more of an obstacle course."
"You can borrow some money or you can print some, but the Democrats' favorite way of expanding the federal budget is to take money away from the citizen."
"I can't blame Obama for telling people all of these disasters were going to happen because of the sequester because he hasn't been called out by his buddies in the media for lying about the stimulus or Benghazi or anything else."
"Conservative Republicans do not want to raise the federal budget, but if they think that's what they have to do to get votes, then they'll cave and do it -- that's what angers us."
"Every day the Democrats come at you and scare you again, and they never let up. It is their time-tested way to get you to give up a little of your freedom here and there."
"Ferdinand Marcos wanted to be embalmed and displayed after death, and if Imelda hadn't bought so many damn shoes, who knows. You know, that country didn't have a big budget to begin with, and she blew it all on shoes."
"It is the nature of the business of politics to always have untried solutions or 'better ways' of making a watch, rather than just making the existing one work."
"We would love to get calls from Democrats who actually don't resort to name-calling with in 30 seconds. And, you know, if I thought we could do it, we would devote a day just take calls only from women who don't like this program."
"Conservatism is the best antidote to liberalism that there is -- it's just that the Republican Party's afraid to use it. But it works."