"The press has categorized Obama's outreach as a charm offensive. I thought Obama had natural charm. I didn't think it took an offensive in order for the charm to be seen."
"I would say the Catholic Church is on its way to irrelevancy if it doesn't start distancing itself from the Democrat Party and the idea that liberalism equals charity."
"Liberals are just who they are, and they have a natural tendency as part of their ideology to control everybody."
"Liberals are there to tell you and they are there to put limits on what you can and can't eat, as in Mayor Doomberg. It's silly, the things that he believes in. It's literally childishly silly."
"I don't want to turn my life over to these idiots at the Center for Science in the Public Interest who are telling me not to eat movie popcorn. Screw them! It's none of their business what I like to eat."
"Clogged arteries, heart disease, all these things? There is nothing you can do. It's just there. It's part of the human experience."
"Who would have ever started a magazine about cigars in the first place? It's a beautiful, big four color magazine."
"Pontiff of the airwaves. I like that."
"You know, capitalism has fed more poor people than charity ever has. Capitalism has created more wealth for these little irresponsible yokels to distribute than charity ever has. Capitalism has created more wealth than anything else except dictators confiscating it from the people of their countries."
"The College of Cardinals is now entering the Sistine Chapel to begin the conclave to elect the next Vicar of Christ. For those of you in Rio Linda, that would be the next pope. For those of you who are Italian, it would be Il Papa."
"You could say that if it weren't for shallow men, everybody would be fat."
"Would Sally Quinn or Carl Bernstein or any two other American liberals ever go on television and say that Islam has to recognize people of other color and homosexuals if it's to remain relevant? Would they ever say that? Would they ever go on TV and warn these militant Islamists?"
"There's only two reasons Democrats oppose the Ryan budget. A, a Republican presented it, so that means it's gotta be dead on arrival. Secondly, it balances in ten years, and that would illustrate the folly of the Democrat way. So we can't have that."
"Liberalism does not equal charity, and that's how the church got sucked into supporting Democrats. Not just the Catholic Church, but all religions got sucked in to supporting the Democrat Party."
"I got some questions about the election of the pope. Is a photo ID required of the College of Cardinals before they can vote? No early voting? What about absentee ballots? Any absentee ballots in the election of the pope? None of that?"
"Don't you just love hearing somebody who violated New York City's term limit law to run for mayor a third time lecturing us on portion control? When it came to the portions of terms he could serve, he was insatiable."
"There are times when I think it's just hopeless. We're just lost. We're broken, irretrievably. And now is one of those times. They just closed the doors to the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican. I mean literally minutes ago they just closed the doors and every cable network has a camera focused on the smokestack with a graphic that says: 'Waiting on papal smoke.'"
"Can you imagine a low-information voter tuning into this? This is the Academy Awards for the Catholic Church. Who's gonna get best film, best director? We're just choosing another celebrity here."
"Why are we worried about watching smoke anyway? Isn't Michelle Obama gonna announce the new pope? That's how we'll find out. Be patient. They'll send a camera up there in the diplomatic reception room, the Vatican will tell her, and that's how we'll find out."
"Letterman says it's the corporate food industry that's the problem, and the audience -- this is a low-information audience -- applauds. That's what's instructive. Letterman bashes the corporate food industry and his audience applauds. And then Doomberg's right in there."
"Obamacare is unsustainable. Obamacare is an absolute disaster. Most people don't yet have any idea how it's going to affect them once it's fully implemented."
"The White House has one song: Tax cuts for the rich. Everything that the Republicans do is tax cuts for the rich. If that ever stops working for them, where are they gonna be? Because that's the only song they sing now."
"Now, you people watching TV, the papal smoke and all that, so eager to see smoke, go light up instead of cheapening this episode."
"People of color now has become people of 'other' color. What is the other color? Mocha? No, seriously, what is the other color?"
"Live your life the way you want to live it. Enjoy what you like. You only get one life."
"There's no reason to live a life of constraints placed upon you by other people who really don't care about you and who really can't care about you as much as you care about you. It's not possible."
"I'm a firm believer that wherever you find a liberal, either a blind-as-a-bat true believer robot, or some upper level echelon bending, shaping, forming and controlling these young liberal minds, you're gonna find people who have contempt for the individual."
"Bloomberg just throw it out there that more people will die from the effects of obesity than from starvation? Who says? How do we know this? And if that's true, let's shut down, again, all of these programs that feed people."