"The insurance companies are so evil, so greedy, that we have to subsidize a family of four earning 94 grand to buy their health insurance if their employer doesn't provide it. Yep. I'm gonna tell you, folks, my parents would not believe life in this country today. People that came out of the Great Depression would not believe this."
"You figure out how much money government benefits bring in, you weigh that against income from a job, and then you learn the value of free time and the wonders of Netflix."
"We humanize our pets -- and we assume they feel and think the same things we do -- so I assumed Punkin was cursing me out, telling me to go to wherever and demanding food and this kind of thing, but she wasn't."
"You hear that great line that Leno said, that AP is not going to be calling them 'illegal immigrants' anymore, but rather 'undocumented Democrats'? Yeah, we invented that term back in 2010 here on the EIB Network."
"If I fired myself today, I wouldn't know where to go to get unemployment. If I bought a health insurance policy and then canceled it, I wouldn't know where to go, other than to call an insurance company."
"I'm ready to go. Yes, Snerdley, I can adjust the TV at the same time as I do the program. Amazing: I'm into my 25th year, and people still doubt my abilities. But that's okay."
"Poverty reality is as it was in the sixties, and the sixties is when it was so bad that the Democrats created a new entitlement program called the War on Poverty."
"The way to get food stamps, the way to get unemployment, the way to get an Obama phone... young skulls full of mush are absorbing all of this, and it's being passed down from generation to generation -- how to take the easy way out. Do you realize the catcalls I'm going to get for saying this? 'You're being so cold-hearted!'"
"A human being is born entirely into dependence. A human being, you could say, is born entirely into socialism. But my family happened to teach big time self-reliance. My family was big on morality. My family was big on right and wrong. I couldn't escape it."
"We got three old English sheepdogs, and the oldest one is Abbey, and it eventuated one day that we went back to the breeder to pick up the second or third one -- took Abbey along to meet her mother. She had no clue it was her mother. What? Well, don't tell me that, Dawn. Abbey had no idea she was meeting her mother."
"Wait a minute, Janet: you mean a Wall Street guy lost everything because of hepatitis? Really? Well, some people would be happy about that."
"The White House goes after Fox News and me by name, because what the White House wants is to eliminate any opposition -- political, media, wherever it is."
"Dan Pfeiffer said 'that the Drudge effect can be damaging to the White House effort to communicate' the administration's message. So that's a profound admission: they value control more than they do truths at the White House. And, as leftists, this does not come as a surprise to me."
"The brilliance of Drudge is that he happens to pick stuff that millions of people around the world are interested in that wouldn't see if he didn't post it because it's being excluded by other people in the media."
"The AP stylebook no longer sanctions the term 'illegal immigrant' or the use of 'illegal' to describe a person. If that doesn't describe what's happening here, I don't know what does."
"How about 'irregular migrant' instead of 'illegal immigrant'?"