"Tomorrow is the 23rd annual Cure-A-Thon for leukemia and lymphoma. We combine it with the rest of the program content. An amazing thing what you all have done, the amount of money that you've donated and helped raise to cure the blood cancers is phenomenal."
"Apparently Jay-Z only went to Cuba with Beyonce to stroll the streets. He was smoking what looked like a very good Cuban cigar, was being followed by lots of Cuban prisoners, uh, citizens, fans. "
"The first lady is saying she's no different than the little girl gunned down in Chicago... This sort of a distorted attempt at empathy, these people coming off this massive sequester soul train party. She goes to Chicago, 'I'm just like you, except the bullet missed, and now I'm first lady and you're getting gunned down and somehow my husband's working on it. I gotta get back to the next party at the White House. You be safe now.'"
"It's obvious that the American left wants to take away your money, some of them want to take away your kids, and a whole bunch of them want to take away your guns. That pretty much is the Democrat Party agenda that we find ourselves in the midst of."
"Mr. Z and Mrs. Carter were not at the Soul Train Sequester. (interruption) Well, that's right. They didn't perform, but we don't know if they were on the guest list 'cause that's a state secret. No, if Mr. Z and Mrs. Carter were there, they would have performed. You don't invite those people to sit in the audience and watch the toadies from Memphis do a 1960s version of soul. No, no, no."
"Maybe Mrs. Obama could talk to Jay-Z and some of the rappers and get 'em to tone down some of the lyrics that glorify the use of guns? Never mind! Sorry, folks. I didn't really mean to say that. I take it back. Sorry."
"Folks, I'm just not a style person. I'm a substance guy. Mayor of Realville. I actually have a resentment for people who get where they get on the basis of style. To me it's phoniness. It's insincerity."
"The Democrats don't like the Second Amendment. If they could, they'd write it out of the Constitution. Barring that, they'll come up with ways to override it. And if you don't want to admit that's what this is all about, then you're really not up to speed on it."
"I love the country so much. I'm literally depressed over what's happening to it. I'm really mad at how easy it apparently is to turn rationality upside down and to the point that it doesn't exist."
"I thought Democrats owned compassion and understanding and charity and sharing and so forth! But I keep forgetting: Not with their money! It's always everybody else's they spend. Elizabeth Warren is not gonna spend a dime of her money on her brother."
"We got plenty of laws already on the books that make what's happening in Chicago illegal. Why isn't somebody going after these people that are pulling the trigger, instead of exploiting these circumstances for the advancement of the Obamas? That's all I'm trying to say here."
"All we hear is we need new gun laws. No, we don't. We've got plenty of laws on the books and they're not being utilized."
" It is not the country's fault that there are out of control gang murders in Chicago. It's not the fault of the Second Amendment. It isn't the fault of the Founding Fathers. It's the fault of the people who are pulling the trigger. In this case, it's young gang members in Chicago. Now, if you want to find out why they exist, go look for it, but don't tell me it's because of the Constitution. And don't tell me it's because of capitalism and unequal distribution of resources which has led to poverty in the inner cities, which has led to young gang members shooting people for the fun of it. "
"All these skirmishes are just that, they're skirmishes that are part of the larger Democrat Party objective to render the Second Amendment meaningless, to render it powerless."
"North Korea launches nukes at us. They can't hit us yet, so they fall whatever hundreds, thousands of miles short. But the intent was clear. You think we'd retaliate? Do you believe that the United States of America, as led today, would retaliate?"
"The premise is we need new laws to stop these school shootings. We need new laws to stop the shooting of innocent kids in the streets of Chicago. So why would you go ahead and use existing law to prosecute perps today, you would illustrate you don't need the new laws. You would illustrate you don't need anymore gun control, so why do that? These people politicize everything. I mean, the Democrats politicize everything."
"Do I feel better asking the question, pointing out why there are no women mass murders? Much better, I feel totally cleansed. I feel like I'm immersed and swimming in a 20-foot-deep pool of logic."
"Chief Keef is another well-known rapper, correct? You don't know? I know more about this than you do? I think Chief Keef is a rapper... (interruption) I know I was right. Chief Keef is a big Chicago rapper. I knew that. You're telling me things I already knew, and you didn't know that."