"The only people who do not like this program are those who've never listened to it. Everybody who listens to it is hooked on it."
"I'm a little more organized today, and that means it ought to be excellent today. I was totally disorganized yesterday."
"You watch, before it's all over, it's gonna be the fault of the Republicans for causing the sequester to happen, for not being bipartisan, for not agreeing with Obama to stave this off."
"Pro-Obama, pro-legalized pot, pro-rap music, 9/11 truther, that's Dzhokhar. Typical Obama voter. And yet supposedly upset with Obama. So you can see where this is going now. It's already there. Tamerlan only turned to Islam, only became radicalized because of the debauchery of the US, because of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq."
"Islam had nothing to do with this. In fact, it would be jumping to conclusions to link Islam to this bombing. And the reason is that Dzhokhar has told the authorities that he and his bro did the bombings because of their faith in Islam. But we're not supposed to jump to conclusions over that."
"Folks, I am fairly confident I'm not reading to you here a piece from The Onion or satire. It's Jillian Keenan, Monday, April 15th, 5:35 in the morning at Slate.com."
"It's the Limbaugh Theorem. Maybe Dzhokhar doesn't know that Obama's doing all this. Maybe Dzhokhar thinks Obama's trying to stop it all, like all the low-information voters in this country believe that Obama's got nothing to do with anything that's happening. He's trying to stop it. Judging from Dzhokhar's other tweets, he's also pro-pot, pro-rap, he's a 9/11 truther. Now we hear that the entire Tsarnaev family was on welfare. How could he not be an Obama supporter? "
"Tamerlan and his bride and their three-year-old daughter all have been on welfare as recently as last year. Isn't that wonderful? I was wondering where they got the money to buy all this stuff. The whole family's on welfare. So we have another great example of your tax dollars at work. Your tax dollars helped to pay for the explosives, as well as Tamerlan's at least two trips back to Dagestan, his late-model Mercedes, his $900 shoes. No wonder this guy hated America."
"The welfare program worked as one would hope because it helped the alleged terrorists get on their feet and feel deep gratitude to American taxpayers. Wait, nope, sorry, didn't do that."
''By the way, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the dead terrorist, has a nickname now. Some people online are referring to him as 'Speed Bump.' Just passing on what's out there. I'm making no judgments about it, just passing on what's out there."
"What was Biden watching? They shut down an entire city."
"There are quotes in today's reports from friends of Tamerlan who claim that Tamerlan didn't hate Americans. He hated the American government. He hated the American government. Now, they didn't attack the American government; they attacked Americans. I wonder if these friends of Tamerlan and Tamerlan know that Obama's part of the government. 'Cause they love Obama. They hate the government. It's the Limbaugh Theorem again, even affecting these jokers."
"Before this program started in 1988, nobody who knew me thought I hated anybody. Nobody thought I was racist. Nobody thought I was extremist. Nobody thought I was mean. Six months after being on the radio, that's what was being said about me, and that was because I was conservative."
"Everybody's raised to try to make people happy, try to make people like you, be polite, do whatever, make everybody like you, that's the key. And I was no different. And I've had to learn now to take as a measure of success that 25 or 30% of the country hates my guts."
"I'm here every day. I prove liberals wrong every day just by virtue of my existence. And that's enough for me. It really is. And the fact this audience knows all that bunk is bunk. So the audience is it. The audience is everything."
"Everybody has their pet peeves, and mine is a dripping, sweating glass."