"The First Amendment doesn't give anybody the right to be heard. People don't have to listen to you."
"2012 election honestly deserves an asterisk next to it. There was a flat-out effort to suppress the conservative vote in this election while everybody was listening to the allegation that conservatives wanted to suppress the black or gay vote."
"A little dead air never hurt anybody. We sometimes do that on purpose to get your attention."
"The bridge collapsed because of a truck that was too big. It exceeded the weight limit for the bridge. So there might not have even been anything wrong with the bridge. The truck was from Canada, by the way. The truck was too tall, probably because the Canadian driver -- I'm just guessing -- didn't know the clearance for the bridge because he was using metric and didn't know the difference between centimeters and feet."
"I had an observation, and I wish I woulda had it while the program was on, and that is, 'No wonder the speech was going so long. He's trying to change the subject.' And that's exactly what that speech yesterday was, a change of subject, trying to get everybody off the IRS and the Benghazi scandals. And then this Code Pink babe, Medea Benjamin shows up, she was the protester. Nobody will convince me that that wasn't set up."
"The woman wants Club Gitmo shut down, which means we're gonna have to come up with a replacement in our thriving merchandise business for Club Gitmo stuff. They're gonna become collector's item stuff if they actually do shut it down."
"If you go back, that stimulus is what got all of this fraud started. The stimulus is what got all of this, this phony baloney, plastic banana, good-time rock 'n' roller so-called economic recovery started. And the stimulus was fraudulent from day one."
"In Wisconsin -- I forget the exact percentage -- 70, 80% of the stimulus money there went to the teachers unions, for the express purpose of making sure that they stayed employed during the upcoming recession. And it was a payback to them for voting for Obama, for raising money for Obama. They pay their dues, you know what happens to union dues. They end up being spent on Democrat campaigns, buying ads for Democrat candidates. It was a way that Obama could secure a percentage of $900 billion of stimulus from the federal Treasury, back to the Democrat Party."
"You look forward to joining the frogs in Costa Rica, then you join the frogs in Costa Rica, and you get home from joining the frogs in Costa Rica, and you loved it all."
"In addition to Obama speaking very long and trying to change the subject, this makes him look like a reasonable centrist when this Looney Tune walks in there, and then they let her go on and on and on and on and shout all these grievances. And then Obama -- in true Limbaugh Theorem style -- ends up suggesting that what she is saying is worth paying attention to."
"Happiness is an expectation that people have. It's part of being an American. It's in the Declaration of Independence. We declared that the right to pursue happiness is a right granted by God, that it's part of the natural yearning of the human spirit."
"Hope you have a great Memorial Day weekend, folks. We will be back here on Tuesday. We'll not be here on Monday. We have a best-of show, and you can be guaranteed it'll be good. They all are."
"The Baby Boomer generation has had it so comparatively easy to their parents and grandparents. I've always said we've had to invent our traumas. We've had to invent traumas to tell ourselves how hard our lives are and how stressful our lives are, and all the sacrifices that we're making. In a comparative sense, what our parents and grandparents had to go through, we haven't had anything like those challenges."
"News flash, ladies and gentlemen, President Obama has just appointed Colonel Sanders to oversee and investigate the slaughter of chickens. That's right, folks. Eric Holder will examine himself. Eric Holder will investigate himself and his department over the bugging of journalists' telephones, phone records, and e-mails, specifically James Rosen of Fox and a couple others, AP."
"Ladies and gentlemen, this caller speaking from the bottom of the barrel in which he lives, lied intently to Mr. Snerdley about what he wanted to talk about. He thought he had to sneak in here and then imply that I am unfair to callers when I am the most polite and the most tolerant as I've just demonstrated with this guy."