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The Funniest Two If By Tea Story Yet

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: Bill in Scranton, Pennsylvania, great to have you on the program, sir.  Hello.

CALLER:  Rush, thank you for taking my call.  It's a privilege to speak with you, sir.

RUSH:  Thank you very much.

CALLER:  Rush, my wife and I are big Two If By Tea fans, and I wanted to share a quick story with you that I think you'll appreciate.

RUSH:  Oh, cool.

CALLER:  I come from a large family, mostly liberals, and each year we have a get-together on July 4th.  Now, every family is assigned tasks for the get-together.  This year we were in the entertainment group, so we decided that we were going to conduct the classic blind taste test using the Two If By Tea.  Now, we took our personal favorite, which was the raspberry tea, and we stacked that up against one of your former rivals, Snapple's raspberry tea.

RUSH:  Right.

CALLER:  Along with two other nationally known brands, Lipton and Nestea.

RUSH:  Okay.

CALLER:  Now, throughout the day we conducted the test, it was conducted impartially, it was conducted fairly, and it was a wide range of people.

RUSH:  And it was really blind, the labels were not visible?

CALLER:  Labels were not visible.  It was put into a blank cup so nobody knew what they were drinking.  And there were two things that would surprise us about these results, Rush.  Number one, were the results of the test.  Number two, and more surprising, was the reaction of the testers when we revealed the winner.

RUSH:  Let me guess, Two If By Tea overwhelmingly was preferred? It was picked as the best?

CALLER:  Twenty-seven out of 28 people, sir, chose the Two If By Tea as the best.

RUSH:  And then when your liberal family members found out...

CALLER:  It was not pretty, Rush.

RUSH:  (laughing)

CALLER:  When we lifted the box to reveal the tea, there was anger, rage.

RUSH:  Hang on.  Don't go away.  Bill, I gotta take a break, but I want you to hang on.  I'll be right back.  I want to hear this in detail.

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH:  This is great.  We got Bill from Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Bill, let me reset the stage.  His family gets together every July 4th.  A lot of liberals in the family.  They each have a responsibility to make the Fourth of July celebration fun and entertaining.  Everybody has a various chore to do.  And he decided to do blind taste testing of raspberry Two If By Tea with three other brands, Snapple, Lipton, and Nestea.  They used blank cups, they covered the labels on the bottles, probably didn't use the bottles, and 27 out of 28 family members chose Two If By Tea as the best tasting.  Now, he was just about to tell us the reaction -- 'cause this is a liberal family -- when they found out that Two If By Tea was the winner, and we ran out of time.  So you're up.  What happened?

CALLER:  Well, we had about 50 people gathered around the table, Rush, and my wife lifted up the box to reveal the Two If By Tea, and it was met with anger, rage, yelling, cursing.  I had a beer dumped on my head.  We had watermelon rinds that were tossed at us.  My wife had a piece of key lime pie that was smashed in her face.

RUSH:  Now, wait a second.  This sounds like real anger.

CALLER:  Rush, it gets better.  It was absolute rage.  Now, in classic liberal character, rather than acknowledging the results of the test, the immediate response was that we cheated and that we rigged the test, that we changed the locations, that we had the same tea behind every box, that we switched the results.  It was everything except acknowledging that the results were what they were.

RUSH:  This is believable. 

CALLER:  Yes.  Now, Rush, it gets better.  So a couple people, my brother, who was hosting the party, instructed us that we needed to remove the tea from his property. He did not want the tea to be on his property.

RUSH:  You're kidding!  Did somebody actually throw a piece of key lime pie in your wife's face?

CALLER:  It wasn't thrown, Rush, it was taken and smashed.

RUSH:  Okay.  Same difference.  It really happened?

CALLER:  It really happened.  Now, here's where it's kind of changed, Rush.  A couple people now, with the view of the iced teas now available, went back and tried the tea again, and our results started to be validated.  And, Rush, die hard liberals, people who hate you and everything you stand for, then started to come to the defense of not you personally, sir, but come to the defense of the Two If By Tea.  And we actually watched over the course of the next couple minutes something happen with liberals that we've never seen happen before.  They actually compromised.  There was a group of people who wanted the tea removed, a group of people who wanted the tea to stay.  So they actually came to an agreement that your tea was going to be allowed to stay at the party under one condition:  The label that was bearing your name and your image was to be removed from the bottle.

RUSH:  (laughing)

CALLER:  So my wife and I took the next 15 minutes or so to remove the labels off of the last, I think there was 24 bottles, of Two If By Tea, and I'm happy to report, Rush, that, by the end of the day, every single bottle of Two If By Tea was gone.

RUSH:  (laughing)  And so were the labels.

CALLER:  And so were the labels.  We actually saved the labels.  I think we're gonna use 'em with Christmas cards this year.

RUSH:  This is the greatest story I have heard yet.  This story is so over the top -- the thing is, I'm laughing myself silly 'cause I'm actually envisioning this happen, as you tell the story.  I can see the rage. I can see the key lime pie squished in your wife's face. I can see them protesting. I can see them demanding it be removed.  (laughing)

CALLER:  And what was funny, Rush, was that, even once the bottles were removed, we were surprised at the end of the day that all the tea was gone because we didn't see that many people drinking it, even with the labels removed, and what my wife was able to ascertain after, was that people were drinking it covertly, even with the label removed, people were still pouring it from the bottle into a generic cup, probably, so other people wouldn't know.

RUSH:  (laughing)

CALLER:  So the moral of the story here, Rush, is that maybe the Two If By Tea will do something that even you in all your greatness have not been able to do, and that's get liberals to actually compromise.

RUSH:  Well, I know.  That's got to be something unprecedented.  Now, I'm just wondering, they ended up all liking it, right?  I mean, that was deduced at the beginning.  The 27 out of 28 and then it was 28-for-28 after a while.  Do you think that these liberals will surreptitiously buy it themselves now?

CALLER:  We had that discussion, Rush, and it will be interesting to see.  We're gonna keep an eye on it.

RUSH:  Well, I tell you what I'll do.  We've got these tumblers, these Tervis tumblers, these 12-ounce tumblers that I love.  I use them exclusively at home.  And they've got the Rush Revere Two If By Tea character on one side and Revered Rush on the other, and we can't keep 'em in stock. We've got a new stash coming in, and I want to send you four of these.  I mean, it's the least I could do.  Then I want to send you a couple cases of raspberry.  I feel like I ought to buy your wife a key lime pie.  I tell you what, Bill, this is so great, you gotta keep an eye on our website because you may, with this call, you may end up qualifying as our Patriot of the Month. 

We have at the TwoIfByTea.com website, we honor an American citizen every month, the Patriot of the Month.  It's a very, very complicated selection process.  But we've got gift certificates coming out soon, Bill, that would be ideal here for your liberal family members who may not be able to pull the trigger and actually buy it themselves.  You've got gift certificates here that you can perhaps arrange for them to get.  I may send you some of those, too.  What I need you to do is hang on, I'll put you on hold, and Mr. Snerdley is gonna get all the vital shipping information to you, and he's gonna give that to me, and I'm gonna turn it over to the Two If By Tea people over there that take care of this. I'm gonna get you a care package out.

CALLER:  Thank you very much, sir.

RUSH:  Because this is the funniest story I have heard.  Bill, whatever you do, don't hang up.  Mr. Snerdley will be right with you, and we will be right back.  So don't go away.

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH:  We got a new marketing strategy.  The tea so good, it doesn't need a label.  I mean, I'm thinking about that.  His liberal family members literally got mad, then they demanded that it be removed, then they refused to see the label.  A microcosm in that one family get-together on the Fourth of July, a literal microcosm, and the compromise is they'll be happy to drink the tea as long as there's not a visual reminder of whose it is.  Unbelievable. (laughing)  I can't keep a straight face with this.

END TRANSCRIPT

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