"If you would have told anybody back in 2008 that 2014 would be so bad for Obama he'd have to trot off to the Vatican to meet with the pope in order to restore his image, can you imagine what they'd have said?"
"I turn into a big baby when I have a full-fledged cold. It may as well be the flu. I just turn into a big baby and unlike with most people, it doesn't get me any sympathy."
"Here's Obama, he spends 52 minutes -- look at me -- 52 minutes with Il Papa. It makes news all over the world. He spends 20 years in Reverend Wright's church and you can't find a story on it. You like that one, huh? They like that one the other side of the glass. I can always tell when I have scored."
"When Reagan met with the pope, it was about world affairs and improving the lot in life for millions of citizens. When Obama meets with the pope, as always, it's about Obama. It's about reviving and restoring Obama."
"I never go on the attack. I get up here and I look at things being attacked that I believe in, people being attacked that I believe in, and I defend 'em. I defend the institutions, the ideas, and the people that I believe in."
"Okay. So the firm that Governor Christie hired to investigate himself has cleared him of any wrongdoing. Great news for the Democrats."
"Can you imagine how many years I would get if I went out to the beach and started moving turtle eggs?"
"You know what I just saw on Fox? I'm wondering, how did we miss this? Just saw an advertisement for a portable catheter on Fox. How did we miss that client? Portable catheters? It's right up our alley, don't you think? No, I was thinking, 'Thank God they haven't called us.'"
"What happened yesterday after the program is still Project X. I can't tell you what happened or what it is."
"If guns are outlawed, then only outlaws and bad guys will have guns and the price would go up, and Leland Yee could charge a higher price. I just think he's in for a big score. But we'll find out. It's all just alleged."
"I'm convinced that nicotine is one of the greatest weapons against the common cold. I mean, I used to smoke cigarettes, and when I quit smoking cigarettes I was sick all the time."
"I just resent the hell out of a bunch of superiorist liberals coming along and treating everybody like they don't know what's good for them and lying to them and making things up; putting all these crisis-oriented scare things out there about food, coffee, whatever it is."
"We moved all those baby salmon to kill them. You have to have something to put on bagels."