"Remember next time you get kidnapped: Terrorists do not offer health care plans."
""The news media is on its way to succeeding in rewriting the Lewinsky affair. They've tried to make it sound cute. They've tried to make it sound puppy love cute. This was serious stuff. It was about suborning perjury in a sexual harassment case. It was also about Bill Clinton. When I say suborning perjury, he asked Monica to lie."
"Everybody out there today is talking about the sex aspect of the Clinton-Lewinsky relationship. When you talk about impeachment, that has nothing to do with it, literally nothing to do with it. It was lying about it and then all of this other stuff."
"I had people tell me that it was a great show yesterday except I took too many calls. I just want you to know that. But I still do it. I like bouncing off what you people on the phones have to say."
"You know, Monica, she said it was consensual sex. What she's trying to say is that this guy did not force himself on her, and we never thought he did. It was consensual. She said it was "consensual sex," despite Bill's claims he never had sex with her."
"I think if, in our schools, critical thinking were taught, and curiosity and skepticism, we'd be much better off, but that's not what's happening. Kids are being propagandized, unknowingly. Global warming, classic example. America sucks, classic example."
"Daniel Patrick Moynihan warned Richard Nixon in 1970 that, unless the Nixon administration took drastic action to limit greenhouse gases, it would be seven degrees warmer in the year 2000 and parts of America would be underwater."
"The official snack of New York is yogurt, and Chuck-U Schumer is tied at the hip with one of the companies. By the way, did you ever eat the white yogurt-covered almonds? Yeah, those are great."
"I am perhaps one of the biggest believers in individual liberty, rugged individualism and self-determination there is, because I believe that is what gave us America. I believe rugged individualism, this undying passion for liberty and freedom, to not be controlled, to be able to fulfill our wildest dreams and ambitions, cannot happen if liberalism, socialism, communism rule the day. If people are willing to not trust themselves, not willing to educate themselves and instead turn everything over to the government to protect them, to guide them, we are not gonna have the United States of America as we have it."
"I actually believe that part of the reason the liberals tried to run Paula Deen out of business is because she was a big advocate of butter and fat and southern cooking and all that, and she just offended the food Nazis of the left. Do not doubt me on this."
"I just want the best for everybody. We all dream. We all have ambition. I don't want that to get killed off."
"I saw a story. Do you know that El Nino slows the earth's rotation on its axis? Had you heard that, Brian? El Nino. It's only temporary because when El Nino goes away the earth picks up the speed and makes up what it lost. Absolute crock. If that ever happens, folks, we are in heap big doo-doo."