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Pearls of Wisdom

"One reason there will not be a telethon to raise money for the children: They're all fleeing socialist countries. Not only that, they are fleeing preindustrial environmental paradises: El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras."

"Every liberal cause involving children, they open up fully. They do hashtags. They do telethons. They want you to know these kids personally. Why not in this case? What are they hiding? Why do they not want us seeing these children on the border?"

"Let me ask you this, folks, and I don't mean to sound coarse. Can't avoid this, though. Could a weapon of mass destruction also be some children carrying highly communicable diseases?"

"If what's happening at the border really is a humanitarian crisis, it's gotta be the first humanitarian crisis that has not been aired live on national TV in 60 years. And the question is, why? Every humanitarian crisis -- if it's a volcano, a tsunami, kidnappings, Amber Alerts, Hurricane Katrina -- you're guaranteed to have Anderson Cooper and Shepard Smith on site standing 10 feet away from each other reporting on it 24/7. Where the hell are they?"

"One reason there will not be a telethon to raise money for the children: They're all fleeing socialist countries. Not only that, they are fleeing preindustrial environmental paradises: El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras."

"I thought Chelsea Clinton said she really tried to care about money, but she just couldn't. Remember that? Chelsea Clinton gets paid up to $75,000 for speeches. It's in the New York Daily News."

"Obama was offered some choom out there in wherever. He was in Denver? He's out there playing pool. We got a border crisis and he's out there playing pool. Somebody offered him a hit, a doobie. He had to be tempted. You know he had to be tempted."

"Folks, you gotta find things to make you smile. You have to find things that you can somewhat chuckle and laugh at. It's what we do here each and every day."

"I go through fits of depression, mild depression over what I think is happening to this country. I worry about it 24/7."

"How in the world can anybody think that 300,000 illegal aliens, 300,000 people since April is simply coincidental. You know, with all the money and compassion that Hollywood leftists have, maybe they wouldn't have to do a telethon. You could start a Twitter campaign."

"If it's so bad in El Salvador and Guatemala and Honduras, and the kids are leaving -- and they're coming to the United States to escape utter chaos, the breakdown of civility -- when are the children of Chicago gonna leave and try to get into the United States? I mean, it's bad there."

"Obama has publicly said that he doesn't want these kids. He's told the parents down in these countries, 'Keep the kids. Don't send 'em.' He has not made a big deal of it, but he said it a couple times. A natural hashtag would be #KeepYourKidsAtHome, or #DoYouKnowWhereYourKidsArerRightNow, or some such thing. There's no hashtag."

"I don't have to use cheap programming tricks to tease you into hanging on, because I know you'll hang on simply because I'm host. That's all you need, and it works for all of us."

"Apple took out my favorite feature, my favorite feature is gone! I know it's only beta, but I'm worried. I don't mind admitting that that saddens me. Everybody has to be saddened by something. I'm saddened by a lot of things, and this is one of them, and I just hope that they put it back. It's a location-mapping-transportation feature. See you tomorrow, folks, if I can make it."

"Every humanitarian crisis, I don't care if it's a volcano, if it's a tsunami, if it's kidnaps, if it's Amber Alerts, I don't care what it is, if it's Hurricane Katrina, you're guaranteed to have Anderson Cooper and Shepard Smith on site standing 10 feet away from each other reporting on it 24/7."

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