"At no time when I was young and climbing the ladder of success did I ever think I would be doing the same thing for 27 years at the same place. I might have been doing the same thing, but I might have gotten fired 25 times in the process."
"The concept of time is a fascinating thing, because at the same time something seems like it's dragging and taking forever, it just zips by."
"If you look at the Republican Party as an opposition party, none of what they're doing on illegal immigration makes any sense. But if you see the Republican leadership and the establishment and their donors as essentially on the same page as Obama, then maybe on your own you can start to figure this out and have it make sense."
"I never have called for the impeachment of Obama. All I've said is that I think it's a mistake to take the option off the table."
"One of the big problems the Republicans have is they've got no confidence. They literally have been beaten down. It's to the point now, folks, that when Obama makes an argument, they assume he has won it simply by making it."
"This show has been No. 1 for over a quarter of a century. Numero uno. Do you know why that is? That's because of all of you who have been unwavering in your support of this program and have been there day in and day out and admit it when anyone asks. I cannot tell you how much that means."
"August 1st, the program began in 1988. So we are starting our 27th broadcast year, 26th anniversary. Twenty-six doesn't sound like a lot, but 27th year, that is a long time."
"There are a couple of examples in the Stack of Stuff here, of wealthy Republicans donating to causes that liberals hold dear, and they're just mocked and laughed at and liberals tell them, 'Give the money back. You can't accept the money! It comes from these tainted Republicans.'"
"The show is the thing and giving it my best each and every day. And if a day goes by that I don't, or if I think I don't or think I haven't, I go home down in the dumps and start thinking about how to make up for it the next day."
"I don't know the person who knows how to deal with being lied about all the time. I don't know anybody. I don't know the PR campaign that has the answer to that."
"Each and every day I do this program, the only people I care about are you. And it's a matter of respect. Am I meeting your expectations? You invest a certain amount of time here every day where you could be doing something else."
"It doesn't matter that they're children, because what the American people know is that the parents of these kids are next if something isn't done here. What the American people know is that if this is not dealt with, there's no end to this, and there's got to be an end to it. There simply has to be or else borders don't mean anything anymore. And if your borders don't mean anything, it won't be long before you don't have a nation."
"The degree of success that I have had in my life that is expressly due to all of you is overwhelming. My parents, if they were alive, would not believe my life."
"Every day is an adult Christmas for me. And I really, I really wish everybody could enjoy the same. I wish everybody could experience it. It's one of these things, if I could pass it out or give it away, believe me, I would."
"Every day is an adult Christmas for me."