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Headline: Truth or Consequences; When -- If Ever -- Is Lying OK?
Source: Rocky Mountain News (Denver, CO)
Dateline: August 2, 1998, Sunday
Byline: Rebecca Jones; Rocky Mountain News Staff Writer
Adam willingly took a bite of the apple proffered by Eve, then later, when divinely questioned about this turn of events, tried to blame the whole thing on her. Judeo-Christian tradition does not record Eve's response to this, but we're betting she had a few choice words for Adam. To God, she insisted the snake told her it would be OK.
Thus were recorded the first lies. So when Monica Lewinsky says they did, and President Clinton says they didn't, and you know somebody's lyin', well, there's a lot of historical precedent. There appears to be a widespread acceptance of the inevitability of lies, particularly in the arenas of sex and romance. After all, who among us has not distorted the truth a wee bit in matters of the heart?
''Sorry I didn't call sooner. I, uh, lost your number and just now found it.''
''This Saturday? Gee, I'm sorry, I already have plans.''
''No, really, I think a receding hairline is very sexy!''
All's fair, as they say, in love and war. Besides, old-fashioned notions of chivalry and courtly love practically demand that a gentleman, asked about his relationship with a lady not his wife, deny intimacy, both to protect the lady's honor and to protect his own wife's feelings. Persons of good breeding simply do not kiss and tell. But it doesn't stop there, say those who make their living delving into the inner workings of the human heart. Those who lie about love - big whoppers of lies, anyway - will probably lie about anything, they say.
''One's integrity is of a whole,'' says Jeffrey H. Mahan, associate professor of ministry, media and culture at Denver's Iliff School of Theology. ''When I choose to lie, I don't simply decide that in this area of my life I'm not trustworthy. I decide that in general I'm not trustworthy, and in fact I embody that. For any of us, the challenge is to choose to be a person of character. We need to be accountable for our actions and our words.''
Adds Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, author of The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage: ''The understanding that occasionally privacy has its place needs to be balanced with the fact that secrets undermine a relationship. And as bad as secrets can be, significantly worse are lies. Lies betray the basic underpinnings of trust in a relationship. 'If you say you didn't when you did, it compounds the mistake of having done it in the first place.''
Fortunately, few Americans face the prospect of being dragged before a grand jury to be questioned about their sexual activities. Far greater, however, is the possibility of one day being called to account for ourselves in front of a suspicious loved one. If we have, indeed, been unfaithful, do we confess and ask forgiveness or lie in hopes of sparing the other person's feelings and possibly avoiding any unpleasant consequences of our misbehavior? The experts agree: Tell the truth.
''The importance of 'fessing up is to impress on your partner that this is really important,'' Denver psychologist Burton Rosenblum says. ''In my 25 years' experience, the party has tried to voice that they're not getting what they need prior to their affairs. They have voiced it repeatedly, but in a way that has not been impressive enough for their partner to change. So often, the announcement of the affair becomes crucial to really impressing on one's partner how bad it is.''
''At a recent conference on marriage that I attended, the consensus seemed to be that our affairs are mistakes our partners can get over,'' Heitler says. ''The more lying there's been after such a mistake, however, the harder the healing process. The more delayed the confession, the less promising the outcome.''
So, yes, if integrity and character are important to you, by all means be honest with your partner about your indiscretions, then work to heal your once-again-monogamous relationship. Beyond telling your partner, need you tell anyone else? If you're a public figure, must you tell the public?
''There's been a healthy breakdown in the distinction between one's public and private life,'' Mahan says. ''Today, there's a sense of a person's whole moral integrity. The old distinction says someone's private life shouldn't concern us, but I think it's appropriate that we question that. We don't bracket our integrity that way.''
On the other hand, Mahan says, public figures needn't pander to the world's voyeuristic desires. On questions of sex, ''no comment'' is surely the most appropriate answer.
''People ought to refuse to answer a question rather than answer with a lie,'' Mahan says. |
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