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Headline: To Tell the Truth - Clintons' Troubles Get Couples Talking
Source: Boston Herald
Dateline: March 19, 1998
Byline: By Stephanie Schorow
His affair was 6 years old. That glitch in their 9-year-old marriage was over - finished, forgotten, finito.
That's what she thought.
Then President Clinton's alleged philandering hit the news. She and her husband started talking - then arguing - about Bill and Hillary and Monica. They realized that "forgotten" affair still rankled, still threatened the marriage.
The couple is now working toward forgiveness with the help of Mira Kirshenbaum, a Boston psychotherapist who finds that the Clinton scandal has triggered an emotional reaction in many couples struggling with their own marriages.
"It actually functions as a kind of Rorschachtest to bring out people's thoughts and feelings on a whole variety of topics," said Kirshenbaum, who has just published "Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad: A step-by-step guide to identifying and eliminating the love killers in your relationship" ($ 23, Avon).
Not that every couple identifies with the First Couple; rather, like everyone, couples are discussing the headlines and discovering issues that resonate with their own experience.
Kirshenbaum, director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, has identified the top five issues:
What constitutes an affair. Is it a kiss, oral sex, on-line sex or emotional intimacy? For one couple, the husband's flirting - although no sex was involved - was crossing the line. In another, a wife had to reassure her husband about intimate lunches with a male co-worker.
When couples should stick together or move on. The flirting man and his partner separated when both realized he didn't want to shut the door on other sexual encounters. Yet most couples "find that the Clintons are inspiring them to hang in there," Kirshenbaum said. "That was a surprise for me."
What exactly is a marriage partnership, particularly when two strong or different personalities are involved.
Identifying personal needs. This issue arises during arguments about what Bill may not be getting from Hillary and she from him. "It opens up a discussion about unmet needs, which is always very healthy."
Forgiveness. "One says, 'I can't see how she can ever forgive him.' This gives them an opportunity to talk about forgiveness."
Kirshenbaum believes such discussions and-or arguments ultimately can be healthy for a relationship. "It's wonderful. It's terrible for the Clintons."
Not all therapists, however, have seen a White House ripple effect. Newton psychotherapist Amy Lew, author of "Cinderella, The Sequel: When the Fairy Tale Ends and Real Life Begins," said she found only two clients - divorced women who felt deceived by their husbands - galvanized by the allegations.
"It hits the women who believe you can't trust men because they can look like they're caring husbands and family men, but they can deceive you," Lew said.
Likewise, Don-David Lusterman, a New York family therapist and author of the upcoming "Infidelity: A Survival Guide," hasn't noticed any effect, in part because "the circumstance is so unusual with the Clintons." Nor does he think the frenzied media attention is helping troubled couples: "What I've seen is a lot of expose mentality - very much heat and almost no light."
Indeed, Arlington, Va., therapist Emily Brown, author of "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment," compares the media's relentless pursuit with the initial obsesssion many folks have when they discover a partner's affair: Where did it happen, how many times, what positions, etc. "No amount of information is too much."
Brown's clients are reacting to the Clinton situation because, bluntly put, it's always in their face. "They can't get away from it - there's no way NOT to face their own unfinished stuff." Nor does reaction split across gender lines; Brown finds many women are having affairs and suffering the consequences of lying and coverup.
Lying remains the key issue among clients of Chestnut Hill Institute psychotherapist Charles Foster, author of "There's Something I Have to Tell You." While watching Bill Clinton in press conferences, "the whole issue of what to tell, how much to tell, whom to tell, is very much stimulated here," Foster said.
"We want our spouse to tell us the truth. Until we hear the truth." |
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