RUSH: We’re in Los Angeles, this is our final day. I went out and played golf yesterday after the program with Joel Surnow, my friend who used to produce “24.” He was instrumental in the TV show “Miami Vice.” It was a real challenge to write a show about a drug bust every week for four years in Miami. And one of the guys, the Great Maurice, one of the head writers of that show was also in the group. And Sami, who I’m told owns all kinds of land in Syria but can’t sell it obviously because it’s Syria. I was not having a good hour. I told them I only had time for nine holes because I had a meeting last night since we’re leaving here earlier than I had planned. I had to move a meeting up and it was last night so only had time for nine holes and this place was an hour and a half away from where I’m staying out here so I had to get out after nine holes.
Everybody, when you go play golf, wants to bet. I’m the last to bring it up because I don’t even think about it, just doesn’t occur to me. So we’re playing a 20-dollar Nassau, and it’s Surnow and me against the Great Maury and Sami and I’m just horrible. It’s the third time I’d played golf since August. Saticoy is the name of the course, and the fairways are about five feet wide with trees lining. It’s the second time I played it, and I said, “Look, I’m gonna be OB. I’m gonna slice to right. It’s gonna take four or five holes here,” because I just went right to the first tee from the car. So it’s gonna be four or five holes before I get warmed up, loosened up and all that, and they all think I’m sandbagging ’em. And first tee, three balls, OB, to the right, I just know, I’m lazy, I don’t finish the turn. When Hank Haney is not around to berate me I revert.
The point of this is that I’m playing horribly. Surnow is carrying our twosome, and we’re down. In fact, we lose the front nine. We’re dormie after seven holes. We can’t win but Sami and Maury are gambling pigs. When they beat us they started betting the caddy on things. So we go into the ninth hole, a par 3 up the hill 170 yards I think, I said to Sami, “Sami, look, like I told you on the first tee –” and I did tell him this “– I don’t carry anything less than hundreds. So the bet’s gonna have to be large enough that if I lose, I can pay off with a hundred-dollar bill because I can’t make change.” I don’t carry anything less than hundreds, I never do. His eyes widen, because I’m sucking here, I’m horrible. So ol’ Sami’s eyes widen up, so do Great Maury’s, big time. Turns out to be double or nothing on the whole front nine bet. So we go from losing to even with double or nothing on this last hole, and we all tee off, it’s 160 yards, we all end up in a sand trap, not the same one.
I’m pin high to the left. The Great Maury and Surnow are a little bit long in a trap behind the green and to the left, and Sami is to the right side of the green in a trap. The green is like Augusta. You couldn’t hold the green and if you missed a downhill putt it rolled off the green. I’m the closest to the pin but that’s not good coming out of a trap and luckily I’m below the hole. So I’ve gotta get it out of the trap and keep it below the hole for an uphill putt. Everybody else is looking at a downhill shot for a trap. If I could just execute one sand shot. I’m reminding them this whole time that all I got is a hundred dollars, I can’t make change. They’re all excited. And it turns out after we all take our second shots that I am closest to the hole, therefore, I go last. And they all missed their par putts.
Here I am, I haven’t done a thing for eight holes. It’s been horrible. I haven’t done a thing for eight holes. Sami, the Great Maury are salivating, hundred bucks on the golf course is a big deal. Straight in putt, back of the cup, plop, plop, and it was just a great ending. It just shows you never quit, anything can happen. And they knew, you could tell by the look on their faces they were a little bit alarmed because I approached the putt with confidence, and — (interruption) I don’t know because I didn’t get paid off. The question was do they have hundred-dollar bills, I don’t know, but they continued playing, those three continued playing, so I don’t know what Surnow did with my winnings. He might have wagered ’em and lost it on the back nine with these sharks. So I don’t know.
Anyway, it was fun. I got in the car and sped back an hour and a half for my meeting and here we are, ready today Open Line Friday. How did you like that, stick-to-the-issues crowd? Did you like that story? ‘Cause I got more of ’em if you want to hear ’em. Clutch Limbaugh.