{"id":25374,"date":"2007-04-23T01:01:01","date_gmt":"2011-05-19T05:40:02","guid":{"rendered":""},"modified":"2011-05-19T05:40:02","modified_gmt":"2011-05-19T05:40:02","slug":"delbert_tells_us_how_it_s_done","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rushlimbaugh.com\/daily\/2007\/04\/23\/delbert_tells_us_how_it_s_done\/","title":{"rendered":"Delbert Tells Us How It\u2019s Done"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

RUSH: This is Delbert in Austin, Texas. Delbert, thanks for the call. It\u2019s great to have you with us.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Thanks, Rush. It\u2019s good talking to you.<\/p>\n

RUSH: You bet, sir.<\/p>\n

CALLER: I have a way how to explain to people how to use one sheet of toilet paper.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Delbert, are you serious about this, or is this a joke?<\/p>\n

CALLER: No, I\u2019m serious about it, and I\u2019ve been taught this, how to save toilet paper, all my life — and I will do this just as tastefully as possible.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right. Well, Delbert, Mr. Snerdley told me that we\u2019ve been getting calls from people. He said we\u2019ve been inundated. He told me during the break that we\u2019ve been inundated by people saying it could be done. ‘No, no, no! Rush shouldn\u2019t laugh about this. It can be done.\u2019 So I went in and I got a new roll of toilet paper from the bathroom and I was going to do a demo here for people on the Dittocam. So let me grab the toilet paper. Just pick off one sheet of it here, right?<\/p>\n

CALLER: That\u2019s correct.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Let me told it up. One sheet. For those of you watching on the Dittocam, there it is. Now what do I do?<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, take that sheet and fold it in half.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Okay, it\u2019s a perfect square so it doesn\u2019t matter which half I fold. Hang on. I gotta get this perfect because there\u2019s not much to work with here.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay.<\/p>\n

RUSH: It\u2019s folded in half. Done.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay.<\/p>\n

RUSH: There\u2019s a little straggler here. Let me rip this off. Okay. Now, what\u2019s next?<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, you\u2019ve got a rectangle. Now you fold that rectangle in half and you\u2019ve got a small square.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Oh, fold the rectangle in half not into the size of a rectangle but a square?<\/p>\n

CALLER: Right.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right. Uhhhh. I\u2019ve done that. Looks like it\u2019s about an inch and a half square out there, Delbert.<\/p>\n

CALLER: That\u2019s correct.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right. Now I\u2019m holding it up for people watching on the Dittocam. Here\u2019s where we are so far in the demo on this. Okay, Delbert, keep going.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, now you take the corner that was created by folding the two halves and you tear off that corner.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Well, there\u2019s four corners.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, the corner that was created that\u2019s actually four.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right, the folded corner.<\/p>\n

CALLER: The folded corner. That\u2019s correct.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Okay, which one, the one on the right or the left?<\/p>\n

CALLER: It\u2019s going to be the folded corner.<\/p>\n

RUSH: There\u2019s two folded corners. I gotta get this right.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay.<\/p>\n

RUSH: There\u2019s one corner here and there\u2019s one corner there. I\u2019m looking at this. The left corner is the left corner. If I flip it around then the right corner becomes the left corner.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, I want you to tear off the corner to where it would actually be a hole in the center of the toilet paper when you open it back up.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Delbert, this is a joke!<\/p>\n

CALLER: No!<\/p>\n

RUSH: You\u2019re going to make me put a hole in this?<\/p>\n

CALLER: Yes. Well, when you tear the corner you\u2019re going to be creating a hole. Okay?<\/p>\n

RUSH: Uhhhh, this doesn\u2019t look like it\u2019s going to work. I\u2019ll try it. You have to bear with me a second because this is tricky. (folding) Okay, I\u2019ve done that, Delbert.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay. Now, you open the thing back up and you\u2019ve got a hole right in the center of the toilet paper.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Let\u2019s see, now. Well, by golly! No, I\u2019ve got two half circles on the edge. Here, let me grab another sheet. I have a whole roll here. That\u2019s one down. Okay. Let me fold it in half.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Yes.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Fold it in half, and then fold it again. I don\u2019t see where the hell to rip a corner here that\u2019s going to make a hole!<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, the corner that would be the thickest corner, where you\u2019ve got all four.<\/p>\n

RUSH: That\u2019s what I\u2019m saying. I\u2019ve got two folds. Oh, the thickest. Let me try. Did I rip the wrong?<\/p>\n

CALLER: I think you ripped the wrong corner the first time.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Let\u2019s see here. See where… A-ha-ha-ha! There we go, Delbert. Well, that looks just big enough for my finger. That\u2019s why I ask, ‘Is this a joke?\u2019<\/p>\n

CALLER: No, that\u2019s exactly what we want. You open the thing back up.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right, it\u2019s open.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Now you stick your finger through that hole that\u2019s created. <\/p>\n

RUSH: Delbert…<\/p>\n

CALLER: Do you see where I\u2019m going? Now, you didn\u2019t throw away that little corner piece, did you, because you need to save that little corner piece.<\/p>\n

RUSH: It\u2019s right here. (sigh) Do you want me to unfold it?<\/p>\n

CALLER: No, keep the little corner piece. You keep it folded up.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, now you\u2019ve got your finger sticking through that toilet paper —<\/p>\n

RUSH: Delbert, which finger?<\/p>\n

CALLER: Well, I would probably think the middle finger.<\/p>\n

RUSH: (groans) I think I\u2019ve been set up here. This is a joke, right? You\u2019ve been lying to me the whole call?<\/p>\n

CALLER: Well, it\u2019s a practical way of doing it.<\/p>\n

RUSH: What you\u2019re going to tell me is that the toilet paper will never even be damaged, right?<\/p>\n

CALLER: That\u2019s correct. Well, it will at the very end. So you —<\/p>\n

RUSH: Okay, well, I may as well. All right.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, so now you see where I\u2019m going. You\u2019ve got your middle finger stuck through the toilet paper.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Yeah, but I\u2019m not going to hold it up so people can see that, because they\u2019ll get the wrong idea.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay.<\/p>\n

RUSH: The Media Matters people see that, and it will be all over.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, so then you use —<\/p>\n

RUSH: I got my finger through there. You can see this on the Dittocam right there. Okay.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Now, let\u2019s see. You would use your finger as if it was toilet paper, and you use the toilet paper that\u2019s around your finger to clean your finger off.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Well, why don\u2019t I just put that back on the fingertip, Delbert, before I do this?<\/p>\n

CALLER: No, no, because we\u2019re saving that other piece. You remember that other little piece of corner that you saved?<\/p>\n

RUSH: Yeah.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Okay, you\u2019re going to use that to clean that from under beneath your fingernail after you finished.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Okay, I see. So this is how it\u2019s done.<\/p>\n

CALLER: That\u2019s how you would do it with one piece of toilet paper. I\u2019m not for that at all, but that\u2019s the only way I could see.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Wait a minute. You said you\u2019ve been doing this for years, you said.<\/p>\n

CALLER: No, no. I said that that\u2019s how that would be a practical way of doing it.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Oh, so it is a joke. You set me up —<\/p>\n

CALLER: (Laughing.)<\/p>\n

RUSH: — and you\u2019re lying throughout the whole phone call. I thought you were genuinely trying to help out here.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Well, I am!<\/p>\n

RUSH: (Laughing.)<\/p>\n

CALLER: (Laughing.) So that\u2019s how it\u2019s done.<\/p>\n

RUSH: All right, Delbert. I want to thank you so much for contributing to the refined and dignified nature of the program today.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Well, I tried.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Snerdley, you are a party to this, because you knew this was a joke, and you knew I was going to bring in toilet paper to do a demo, and you knew that if you could get a call like this, that I would go through this thinking I had a wacko who was serious, and Delbert\u2019s not a wacko. He is trying to show that these people are wackos! I have been totally set up, Delbert, by you and my own call screener —<\/p>\n

CALLER: (Laughing.)<\/p>\n

RUSH: — and it\u2019s now on videotape what a fool I made of myself, here.<\/p>\n

CALLER: (Laughing.) All right. Well, thanks, Rush. It\u2019s a pleasure talking to you.<\/p>\n

RUSH: (Laughing.) I\u2019m sure it made your day. <\/p>\n

BREAK TRANSCRIPT<\/p>\n

RUSH: Barry in Hazel Green, Alabama. Nice to have you, Barry. Welcome to the EIB Network.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Hello there, Rush. Good to hear from you.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Thank you, sir.<\/p>\n

CALLER: Yeah, the earlier call about the toilet paper square, is in fact and to the best of my knowledge true. My dad was in World War II, and he told me when I was about eight years old that in the foxholes at the front line, they had no other choice, and they didn\u2019t issue them a roll of toilet paper. They issued them a package of squares like that.<\/p>\n

RUSH: Yeah, I\u2019m getting all kinds of notes from people who say in the military it is taught. It\u2019s legitimate. Look, I don\u2019t want to take this any further. I already got tricked once. Snerdley is going to get docked a thousand dollars on his next bonus. I\u2019ve never heard of this. Call me na&iuml;ve. This is something about which I\u2019ll be happy to be na&iuml;ve, but I only got one question after going through this demonstration. Why do you need the toilet paper, if you\u2019re going to use that technique? Pure and simple. This is absurd. But I do want to make this pledge and I want to make it now publicly so that all can hear me — and I make this pledge, this offer, if you will, to Laurie David and Sheryl Crow — I will promise to underwrite the rest of your global warming bus tour, so long as at every appearance, every television show, every concert, every public appearance, you continue to advocate the single square of toilet paper solution to global warming. If you will do that, I\u2019ll make sure you are heard by more people than your bus tour will even take you to, and I will underwrite it to make that happen. I think you need to be heard on this. More and more Americans need to hear your solutions to global warming, including the single square toilet paper issue.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

RUSH: This is Delbert in Austin, Texas. Delbert, thanks for the call. It\u2019s great to have you with us. CALLER: Thanks, Rush. It\u2019s good talking to you. RUSH: You bet, sir. CALLER: I have a way how to explain to people how to use one sheet of toilet paper. 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