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“As you all know, when I say something about anything, there’s nothing left to be said about it.”
“Everybody’s commenting on Nancy Pelosi’s blinking rate. It used to be she was unable to blink; now she can’t stop blinking. I think it was Morse code. I think she was sending codes to the Democrats as to when to applaud and when not to applaud.”
“As much as she tries, Hillary just can’t pull off warm. She just can’t! You look at her and you feel like, ‘My gosh! I’m in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest! And there’s Nurse Ratched following me! I can’t get away from her!'”
“Bush went into that room last night knowing that the left and the Democrats are emboldened beyond even their normal arrogance and condescension. He went into that room with a dozen odd sharks circling in the waters for his job in 2008. And yet, he ended up dominating the room.”
“Hillary is sitting right behind Barack Obama. You know, if he would move a little to the right, his ear would cover half her face. Somebody should have told him that.”
“You people are going to have to do one of two things: either stop griping about how expensive health care is, or roll your sleeves up and understand that to get prices down… sigh… it’s going to take a little self-involvement and responsibility.”
“So we had a larger percentage of Democrats watching a Republican speech last night, and yet they still got all this positive feedback about it afterwards. I guarantee you: the Drive-Bys are not happy, and they’re scratching themselves. Uh, their heads.”
“There’s an ABC News alert: the Senate Foreign Relations Committee approved a nonbinding, meaningless, gutless measure saying that President Bush’s plan to increase troops in Iraq is ‘not in the national interests of the United States.’ You know what that means? Pbbbbtttt!”
“Apparently Reid and Pelosi wrote the Democrat response last night, and Jim Webb tore it up and wanted to write his own. Why, this guy can do it all! He can write his own speeches! He can style his hair so it looks like a toupee!”
“‘Rush, why are you doing that? Here’s the president, so classy, and you say that Nancy Pelosi looked like she was chewing her cud.’ Well, I paint word pictures.”

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“Does it not trouble you people at all that the enemy of this country so often sounds — policy-wise — identical to the Democrats?”
“We abstain from Valentine’s Day here. Well, I’m speaking for myself. Dawn, did you abstain? What about you, Brian? Well, you’re freshly married; you don’t have any choice. Snerdley, you’re engaging in perfunctory Valentine’s Day duties? Whoa, whoa! There must be somebody new in Snerdley’s life!”
“I’d go to your husband’s office right now and say you just got off the phone with me and that you wish I was your husband. See what that does to him.”
“The president is not a partisan guy. He is not going to tell you liberals that you’re threatening the success of this mission. Instead, he leaves it up to people like me to do, which, frankly, gets a little tiresome.”
“You cannot be this dumb, Bruce! Let me ask you a question: how do you spell ‘star’? You’re not a Ph.D. A Ph.D. would have answered the question.”
“I know that it frustrates some of you people when we get these idiot left-wingers on the phone, but I enjoy it. You have to understand; the whole point of this program is for me to enjoy myself because if that doesn’t happen, you aren’t going to enjoy it, either.”
“Is this not funny? Now some bodyguard claims he could be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. What is this — #5 in the line? Well, #6 since I put myself in the line yesterday just for the fun of it.”
“So the enemy can do no wrong, the enemy is all-powerful, Bush lies, the American government lies, and we only get the truth what’s happening in Iraq via the enemy. There you have it. CNN, thanks so much. We can always count on you.”
“Headline: ‘SUV Plows Into Theater as Moviegoers Watch Dream Girls.’ Well, there’s only one conclusion here: SUVs hate musicals.”
“Look; I’ve been a husband. It’s just much easier to say ‘I was wrong’ and move on.”

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“Somebody needs to ask Chuck Schumer a question: If a Democrat is elected president, say hypothetically Mrs. Clinton in 2008, are you telling us that she will not be free to fire any United States attorney because to do so would be political? Is that the standard now?”
“Chuck Schumer is a demagogue of the first order. If you hear the word ‘demagogue’ and you’re from Rio Linda and you’re not quite sure what it is, just think ‘Chuck Schumer.'”
“Oh, no! Alberto Gonzales is saying, ‘I acknowledge mistakes were made in the firing of eight US attorneys.’ Don’t give them that! Why don’t you just put a gun in your mouth and shoot yourself? That’s the only thing that’s going to make them happy, Alberto — if you commit suicide on camera.”
“Remember: I killed a mouse with a can of Pam. Well, that didn’t kill the mouse, but it prevented him from escaping my plastic trash can. And I shook that trash can, and that mouse died. Cute little thing, too. I hated to do it.”
“The one thing the Breck Girl — John Edwards — has going for him is that he can always change his mind. Women can change their minds like that. It’s expected, and it’s applauded.”
“You parents out there that have fallen for this global warming stuff because your little screaming kid is coming home, ‘Waa, ha, ha! We’re killing the polar bears!’ — tell the kid to grow up and shut up and tell the kid that Gore is a liberal Democrat!”
“If Hillary’s last name wasn’t Clinton, you wouldn’t know who she was. She’d still be wearing those big Coke bottle glasses and Birkenstocks, wandering around the campus of Wellesley.”
“If my little cat, Punkin, were any bigger, she would eat me. You ought to see the way she is with little lizards. I rescue more lizards than you people would believe! I have to say, ‘No, Punkin, those are our friends. They eat the insects.’ But she doesn’t care.”
“AP story: ‘North Pole expedition meant to bring attention to global warming was called off after one of the explorers got frostbite.’ Why isn’t everybody in the country hysterical over this? I feel like laughing my little ass off, folks!”
“There was a movie called The 300 Spartans with Richard Egan. I just remember that because a girl I was dating at the time had a crush on Richard Egan. That should have been my first clue that the whole relationship thing was a failure.”

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“We can put a man on the moon,we can play romantic, classical music for sharks, but we can’t find 12 million illegals?”

“I love that name, by the way: Martha. It’s one of my top 50 favorite female names. Well, actually, it’s in the top ten.”

“The Breck Girl saying that the war on terror is nothing more than ‘a bumper sticker slogan’ scares me. The United States is a great nation at great risk in a dangerous world, and if we elect somebody that doesn’t understand that, then I am frightened to death.”

“It just angers me like I can’t tell you when some in the media and the Democrat Party besmirch and impugn members of the military. These are truly special and unique people. There aren’t very many of them, and they don’t deserve to be impugned or ridiculed.”

“You liberals are driven by surface things. You’re driven by the color of somebody’s skin or their gender or their sexual orientation, and then you dare to throw out all these accusations at people in this audience. We have more depth than you could ever sink to.”

“We have a lot of female callers today, and they always add a lift to the program and a different perspective. Even their anger is more manageable and cute. Well, I probably shouldn’t say cute.”

“I think it matters who the woman is running for president, not that she’s a woman. I mean, you give me Margaret Thatcher today, I’d vote for her. Jeanne Kirkpatrick, I would have voted for her. I mean, we can’t let what those seventh century dolts in the Middle East affect what we do here.”

“These Islamofascists treat women as genuine second-class citizens and they are truly anti-Semitic. It is time to wake up and answer this question: Why in the world do these people want to come somewhere with a culture so vibrantly different than theirs, if not to change ours?”

“That’s what it says right here in the headline: ‘John Edwards Stakes Claim on Pirate Booty.’ He also said he was ‘uncomfortable’ with gays. Guess he just doesn’t like to walk the plank.”

“That’s what life with me is like, Laurie: a never-ending series of up-and-down emotions.”

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“From now on we might as well change the whole concept of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ to ‘guilty until proven indicted.'”

“Oprah Winfrey earned $260 million last year. That’s more than a quarter of a billion dollars, for those of you in Rio Linda. And we can only wonder, ladies and gentlemen, how much more would she have earned if were she not African-American.”

“I even air-condition my garages, folks. Absolutely. I’m not about to take a shower, get dressed, go out for dinner at night, and get into a sweaty, hot garage. Besides, I have to protect my cars. So, yes: big carbon footprint.”

“Headline: ‘New York Cabdrivers Threaten Strike Over GPS Systems.’ Well, now! Ha! Therearesome things we don’t need to say here…I suppose we can rename the program, ‘Track Your Local Muslim.'”

“Let me tell you something: you get both sides on this program. I am more honest about what liberals think and say than they are!I present their side on this program so I can nuke it.”

“I remember one time I made a comment about Amy Carter and her appearance. My mother called after that and said, ‘You can’t talk about people that way. Besides, you forgot Margaret Truman.'”

“The Roman empire, for those of you in Rio Linda, lasted from the BC era up to early AD. Hmm, I probably lost them there, too. Well, it was many, many years ago. But anyway, look what happened to the Romans: they became the Sopranos.”

“I never heard of this person — Jean Edward Smith. So there’s a female first name and a male middle name. I have no clue here what the gender is. John Edwards probably knows this person, but I don’t.”

“Let me fire with dead aim right between your eyes, ok? What if I were to say to you: ‘Those are Michael Vick’s dogs, and that was his property, and whatever he wants to do with them is his choice.’ Don’t we have politicians telling us that women can do that with their babies in the womb?”

“I must have been on vacation when that happened, because I don’t remember anyone throwing a Shih Tzu into oncoming traffic.”

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“I’m not saying warming isn’t happening, but I’ll damn well assert that man’s not responsible for it. We don’t have that kind of power.”

“Global warming has all the elements of a major religion. It has the Garden of Eden: the pristine planet. It has original sin: pollution. And it has redemption and salvation: driving a Prius.”

“People keep sending me e-mails: ‘You know, Rush, this sniffing of yours is becoming a habit.’ No, it’s not a habit; it’s only occurring because it’s necessary. But I will do my best to limit it to as few sniffles as possible.”

“Union membership is plummeting, and that’s very fascinating to me. I don’t mean to be critical of you union people out there because, as you well know, I like my kneecaps.”

“I know you’re probably sick and tired of hearing about Larry Craig, folks, but I have to just share this one thing with you. It’s a column in the Washington Post: ‘A Prayer for Larry Craig, by James McGreevey.’ Mike, you have the Happy Feet song handy?”

“I’m flattered beyond my ability to express it. I thank you so much, Elizabeth. You’re very sweet and very kind. All right, let’s take a brief break here so I can cry off mic.”

“Did you hear about this Nepalese state-run airline? They sacrificed two goats to appease the Hindu sky God after technical problems in one of its 757s. But who are we to be critical of things we just don’t understand? Those days are over for me; I’m Mr. Tolerant now.”

“What do we do with all of these flawed condoms from China? Well, we could pass them out to Mrs. Clinton for her next fundraiser. Didn’t Gary Aldrich say that they used thoseas Christmas tree ornaments at the White House?”

“Cookie has been touting this corn chowder something or other all day, so I broke down at the top of the hour and had a little cup of it here. It’s pretty good stuff — it’s like taco dip!”

“I don’t mind genuine criticism; I can take anything. In fact, I get more abuse out there than most public figures can ever hope to get if they want to.”

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“If Hillary does become president, you watch how fast the Democrats stop introducing bills to block the war effort.”

“I firmly believe that, with government programs and policies, liberals have destroyed elements of the black family, which prevents many blacks in this country from achieving the American dream — and it breaks my heart.”

“The Lives of Others got an ‘R’ rating, but it’s not a sex movie. The nudity isn’t even necessary; I think it’s just in there for the arty, croissant crowd.”

“One of the biggest problems good-looking babes have is they never develop their brains because they don’t have to. Right, Mr. Snerdley? You have firsthand experience with this.”

“I love this country and I want everybody in it to be educated so they have the opportunity to access life in America — because it’s better here than it’s ever been anywhere else.”

“If you want to call here and deny to me that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is getting his talking points by listening to these Democrats, you do it. I want to talk to you.”

“Mr. Snerdley, members of our audience are not happy with you today: ‘Dear Rush, Isn’t there an intelligent person calling in today? Dear Rush, I can’t stand it anymore. Please stop, my tummy hurts.'”

“Try this headline, folks: ‘Burlesque is Back, and it’s Intellectual and Political.’ And it’s still a bunch of dirty old men showing up to watch it.”

“An Ivy Leaguer’s tie has to be out of proportion and weird-looking. It’s a studied attempt to look unkempt, like you’re so intellectually busy you haven’t time for such trivia as your appearance.”

“I remain stunned that people in this audience still have the courage to disagree with me, because you know at the end of the day I’m going to be right.”

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“Who do you think General Petraeus would rather have on his side? Me or Harry Reid?”

“I’ll tell you what else this smear of me is: a reflection on the thinking and tactics that will be employed with the full weight and power of the federal government should Hillary Clinton become our next president.”

“I don’t know about you, General Clark, but I go to bed at night with zero problems. How do you and the rest of the Clinton administration sleep, sir, knowing you did nothing about the genocide in Rwanda?”

“I figured for the 15th anniversary issue of the Limbaugh Letter we’d make it about me — since it’s my newsletter. There’s an extensive interview with me in there that Mr. Snerdley conducted and I don’t know how, but he got stuff out of me that I’ve never said before.”

“Faithful people frighten those who have no faith, because faithful people realize there’s something larger than themselves.”

“What we’re seeing here from Wesley Clark, Media Matters for America, and all of the Democrats on the floor of the House and Senate — denouncing me, a private citizen — is not just liberalism. It’s Stalinist. It’s using the power of the state to intimidate citizens.”

“If you’re with a bunch of friends and the boat you’re in sinks and you start drowning, they will stay away from you — because they’re afraid you’ll take them down with you. This has happened to me once, by the way. I fell off a raft on the Sacramento River.”

“The Senate yesterday passed the annual defense authorization bill by a vote of 92-3. You libs in the kook fringe — did you hear that? The Senate passed the defense authorization bill for the new fiscal year, 92-3!

“The left says, ‘We think both sides went too far here. The Petraeus ad clearly was over the line, but so were you with your phony soldiers comment.’ One small reality: the ‘Betray Us’ ad was created by them — and so was the ‘phony soldiers’ smear! I didn’t do anything!”

“The left says they support the troops, just not the mission. You can’t! You support the troops, you support what they do, and what they do is the mission.”

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