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“Pelosi is going to announce her global warming panel in 30 minutes. It’s 37 degrees in Frisco, 36 in Santa Barbara, 43 in San Diego, and 37 in Houston. Maybe she should wear earmuffs.”
“To hell with the judiciary getting involved in national security! There’s nothing in the Constitution that gives them that right, and there’s nothing in the Constitution says you have to extend them that right!”
“‘Process’ is for intellectuals. ‘Process’ is for a bunch of people who aren’t accustomed to getting things done. ‘Process’ is for people who want to tell everybody how smart they are, but never have to face accountability because they never implement anything. Process, shmocess.”
“New York Times today: ‘Appeals Court Rules for Wal-Mart in Maryland Health Care Case.’ This in and of itself is fabulous. I detested this law from the moment I heard these arrogant, condescending, uh, ‘male body parts’ propose it.”
“Has anybody seen Bill Clinton lately? I just saw the most amazing story: there’s a female chimpanzee in some zoo that’s pregnant, but all of the male chimpanzees in this zoo are sterile.”
“The AP has started a miniature anal exam of Barak Obama. They said, ‘He voted against requiring medical care for aborted fetuses who survive.’ May I read that to you again? ‘He voted against requiring medical care for aborted fetuses who survive.'”
“I’m going to infuriate some of you people, but smoking looks cool. Look — Dawn’s face is turning four shades of red! I’m not saying it is cool; I’m saying it can be made to look cool.”
“You can make smoking look cool, but you can’t make choking your mistress look cool. Well, Obama could, but nobody else.”
“Live sex on your TV? Snerdley, you know about this? Been doing it on the web for ten years? Well, forgive me for not being aware of this kind of absolute perversion and debauchery! Besides, I wouldn’t know about this until Obama did it — and if Obama did it, he could make it look cool.”
“You can always count on Mike Ditka.”

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“If you Democrats persist and succeed in securing the defeat of the US military in Iraq, you have no idea the electoral hell that will descend upon you in November of 2008. Mark my words.”
“We are the most prosperous, affluent country on the face of the earth, and if Paris Hilton wants to get drunk every night in South Beach or Hollywood, she can. We have plenty of people her age that volunteer to defend the country.”
“This country faces as big a threat from you liberals as it does from Al-Qaeda. You may not use bombs as frequently as Al-Qaeda would like to, but you are doing your best to destroy the one thing that everybody ought to be unified on: the defense and protection of this country.”
“What really insulted me was when that guy insulted my ‘fat ass.’ My ass is gorgeous like every square inch of my glorious naked body. I wouldn’t want to see his skinny little rail ass. Probably gets boils on his butt sitting on a soft chair.”
“Why in the world would anybody think that certain Muslims, using their professed beliefs of Islam, have it in for us? Why would we possibly think this? Well, maybe because they have been trying to kill us for the last 20 years.”
“It would have been irresponsible to not take action based on what every intelligence service in the world said about Saddam and what we knew about his previous use of chemical weapons on his own people. It’s a different day after 9/11 — sad to say some people can’t come to grips with this.”
“That cackling that you heard in there? That’s Hillary laughing. Her laugh sounds exactly like this rare species in Arkansas that’s called the Arkansas broadbeam. Whenever she speaks, that species just seems to be around.”
“Hillary said, ‘I’m probably the most famous person in the world that nobody really knows.’ I was getting ready for my guests to arrive when I saw that last night. I was testing the wine and I choked on it and spit it out.”
“Bill Clinton’s depressed about Hillary running. If he wants back on Air Force One to fly all over the place as a roving ambassador to this or that intern, then he’s going to have to keep his zipper up all the way through 2008. But man — keep his zipper up? For almost two years? That’s a challenge.”
“Am I here today, or am I still asleep and dreaming? Hang on a minute; I’m going to take a drink of Fruit2O here because if I taste it, I’ll know I’m awake. Okay, I’m awake. Ooh, baby.”

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“If the news in Iraq is good, we need to hear it from the upper echelons of the administration. We need to hear it in a way that is robust and we need to hear it in a way that is inspirational and motivating.”
“I’ve had my stint at television already, and no, I don’t want to direct. What I want to do is earn money when I sleep, folks. That’s my next objective.”
“There is no sound bite, no torturously crafted statement, no skillful twist of logic, no lawyerly proclamation, and no media spin whatsoever that will turn the House vote tomorrow — this nonbinding resolution — into anything but a disgrace of historic proportion.”
“These House members voting for this nonbinding resolution are demonstrating for each and every one of us that they have all the courage in the world to show us that they have no courage whatsoever.”
“Many Americans don’t watch cable or listen to radio; they’re just out there playing bingo, croquet, and shuffleboard during the day. Then they come home, drink the stuff that keeps the bowels moving, and start watching Brian Williams.”
“The drill on ’24’ did not permeate the skin; it’s Hollywood! It’s make-believe! The blood is colored water or food coloring or Jell-O or what have you! The actors go home and there’s not a mark on their bodies…unless there’s an accident. But then there’s a big settlement and it all works out.”
“Live Aid was just a bunch of liberals getting together and taking your money to try to show you how good their hearts and intentions are. Did they accomplish anything? Just diddly-squat.”
“Can you imagine what the application for the Bank of America credit card must look like? ‘Name does not matter. Social Security number obviously doesn’t matter, because you don’t have one.'”
“It’s as though the real crime that’s being committed in the world today is US torture — not the massacre of innocents by militant Islamofascists — and I’ve about had it with this idiotic, silly, irrational way of looking at thing! What a nation of a bunch of pansies!”
“Stop the tape a second! It’s a television show, Carol! What a dip-bleep you are!”

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“Britney Spears hasn’t been the same since Justin Timberlake told her go to hell and she went out and did it. It’s that simple.”
“I don’t know much about the Prius automobile; I’ve never had one. But it looks like a ‘Jetsons’-mobile that doesn’t fly.”
“Would somebody explain to me how in the world it is that the minute we get out of Iraq Al-Qaeda will leave, too and leave us alone? This is why I, personally, am questioning Jack Murtha’s mental prowess right now.”
“This whole ‘show bleed’ idea of Murtha’s is a disgrace, but the Drive-Bys are totally unwilling to tell you (in any sense of judgment) just how outrageous, how unconstitutional, and how stupid it is because their only focus is destroying Bush — regardless of what that takes.”
“Because of the clueless nature of a large percentage of the people in this country, I bet you that if Jack Murtha or Hillary Clinton said, ‘We have a plan; we are going to eliminate the armed forces in order to protect the troops,’ 20% of the population would think, ‘That’s compassionate.'”
“I don’t buy this ‘organic’ garbage. I instruct the staff: ‘If you’re going to get organic stuff, get it for yourself — not for me.’ All ‘organic’ means is, ‘grown in manure.'”
“What is this ‘under cover of darkness’ business? Once again, Hillary was tricked. So I guess all that needs to happen for Hillary Clinton to miss something is for the sun to go down. You know, if she is elected president, it will be nighttime at times.”
“If George W. Bush had deployed troops to Darfur, the Democrats would have opposed it — pure and simple. The substance of an issue is not what matters to Democrats; political opposition on every issue is what does.”
“Nancy Pelosi is ruling the Democrat caucus with an iron girdle.”
“Thanks for all of the cards and letters hoping that I got well, and even those from you libs hoping that I died — I appreciate all of those. Well, I did get them: ‘I hope you die and find out what a miserable, slow death is like you mean, rotten, cruel SOB!'”

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“This trial is not about getting Scooter Libby. It’s about criminalizing conservatism and Republicans. It’s about destroying the Bush administration.”
“Americans are the most giving people in history. Every day Americans offer countless acts of kindness to strangers because that is just our nature. Yet you, John Edwards, patron saint of stiff hair, use Jesus to mischaracterize Americans as selfish warmongers.”

“When liberals join the government, it is activism — it is not public service. They’re not out there doing anything to serve the public; they’re doing things to control the public. They are attempting to amass power.”
“I’m still here because you’re still there. I’m still here because my audience — who listens to me daily and knows who I am and that all the garbage that is said about me is untrue — defends me. And that is what doesn’t happen enough in Washington. Conservatives there just run for the tall grass.”
“We have people out there now saying that there are ‘green’ ways to have sex that will improve the environment. These people are idiots. They are living, breathing, literal idiots.”
“What more do you people want? In 1988, this country was a conservative wasteland. Then here I came, storming onto the scene. And look what’s happened since!”
“I gave you a Republican Congress in 1994 — the first time in 40 years. What were you doing before I came along?”
“The bottom line is that what happened to Scooter Libby was an injustice. Libby was crushed by a rogue prosecutor trying to make a name for himself while actually targeting someone else — and that would be Vice President Cheney.”
“Is it my fault that the Republicans who won the House in ’94 didn’t know what to do to keep it? I have said over and over again on this program that I am a radio host. I am not an activist.”
“Those of you who listen to me regularly know that ‘impossible’ is not in my vocabulary.”

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“Why should Sharpton and Jackson, these two race hustlers, be the final arbiters deciding who can say what?”

“I’m never not in the crosshairs of the Drive-By Media. I don’t care if they like me; I don’t want to be in their clique. When you have the truth on your side and 20 million friends that love you and understand the truth, it’s power, folks.”

“I want to say something for the record here, folks, on April the 12th: We conservatives are the ones standing for free speech. We conservatives are the ones standing for diversity of thought and honest communication because we are not afraid of the free flow of ideas.”

“Sharpton and Jackson have their eyes on talk radio, but you know what’s going to save talk radio? What’s going to save this program is going to be you people because you havea depth of loyalty and a bond here.”

“This is going to be a real short segment, but I had to use my instincts and intuition and didn’t want to interrupt that last monologue. I mean, let’s admit it: I was on a roll. Right, Ed? Right on.”

“What does Laurie David mean there’s more CO2 in the atmosphere than in the last 650,000 years? Where did she pull that? What is she, a vampire? Was she alive back then? Did she have measuring instruments back then?”

“Why is it that NBC and CBS are listening to these guys? Why are they cowed by the Reverend Jackson and the Reverend Sharpton? Becausethey made them, folks. If it weren’t for liberalism, Reverend Jackson and Sharpton wouldn’t be any more powerful than anybody else.”

“Liberals are constantly angry and enraged. In fact, their anger and rage has become the way in which they connect. It’s how liberals identify themselves — sort of like emperor penguins.”

“Why doesn’t one of MSNBC’s hosts resign so that a black can take his place? Show us your leadership! Don’t sit there and point at everybody else as you lie and make up BS about people and call them racists when your own network is as lily white as anything you’ll find in a rice paddy!”

“MSNBC should have a staff that looks like America, like my staff does. These phony pontificating liberals… they need to start walking the walk.”

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“To Democrats, it’s not about whether tax increases create more revenue, it’s about controlling us.”

“The Greatest Generation faced challengesthat their children and grandchildren could no more than contemplate. And don’t give me, ‘We had Jimmy Carter.’ We got rid of him in four years!”

“Sun Tzu, in The Art of War, says that one of the first things that you shoud try to do is destroy the enemy’s will to fight. Well, we’re not doing that with Al-Qaeda; we’re building those guys up! We don’t even report their death tolls.”

“No need to think about it, folks: we do all the thinking for you here at the EIB Network. All you have to do is act like a mind-numbed robot sponge and soak it all up.”

“Go back to the days immediately after 9/11 –there wasgreater consensus in the world for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq than there is for global warming today.”

“I love Sylvia — she’s obviously a hack — but she epitomizes a problem that we have, and that is ignorant citizens who think that they’re informed. I feel like doing a Howard Dean scream here, folks, but I won’t.”

“There’s a 60-40 chance that the Democrats won’t pull the troops out of Iraq. They know full well what’s going to happen to that region if we pull out of there. Snerdley is shouting at me, ‘What makes you think they care?'”

“Research into Stone Age humans now argues that far from having intercourse simply to reproduce, they had sex for fun. One thing we know for sure, folks, and that is this: Stone Age sex toys were cordless.”

“There’s this attraction liberals have to leaders who have omnipotent power, and that’s the attraction that Castro has for them. They don’t see Castro as in any way responsible for the squalor and the poverty of his country. They see Castro as still in the midst of a 50-year mission to fix it.”

“By the way, did George Tenet put his Medal of Freedom for sale on eBay yet?”

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“Sacramento’s Channel 13 said that I got into this flap and attacked them! Folks, I didn’t attack them yesterday — I destroyed them.”

“Everything I do is ratings. Why do you think authors put my name in the titles of their books? They’re a bunch of parasites that couldn’t sell their books without my name. I am ratings.I am Rush Limbaugh.”

“Dialogue is worthless if it’s two ignoramuses talking to each other. Dialogue is also worthless if it’s one intelligent person trying to talk to an idiot. That’s why I’m dropping the Channel 13 thing.”

“About this ’24’ jump the shark business… I don’t even think it’s possible for ’24’ to jump the shark because Jack Bauer would just jump in and kill the shark.”

“I remember the modern era of feminism actually commencing because that’s when it started impacting my life. And I’m telling you: I do not have fond memories of it, folks.”

“It came about through feminism that the new definition of the ideal husband was if he was the one who got up at three in the morning to change diapers. And you wonder why I don’t have kids?”

“I have a prediction to make for you: before the day is out, we will have Democrats on television accusing the Bush administrationfor creating this near-terrorist incident at Fort Dix.”

“20% of the people in this country are pulling the wagon, and 80% are in it. And those 80% have a far greater percentage of the vote than the 20% pulling the wagon.”

“One of the Menendez brothers admitted he fired point-blank into his mother’s face. There were six female jurors and they all said, ‘We felt so sorry for him because he’s not going to have his parents anymore.’ Well, of course not! He killed them!”

“You want to hear the little kid voice that I do? ‘Mommy, mommy, mommy! I was listening to Rush at school today! What is, ‘pulling the goalie’?”

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“Have you ever noticed that there was no global warming crisis when Bill Clinton was president?”

“I remain a man you could totally trust with your wife, your daughter, and your pets overnightat a Motel 6 while you’re away on a business. People ask, ‘Why Motel 6?’ Because I’m just assuming that’s where most people who would ask me to stay with their wife would stay.”

“By the way, it warmed my heart to see Lindsey Graham get booed out there in South Carolina. Stand up for yourself, Lindsey! Stop trying to be McCain, Jr.”

“Mitch McConnell said the immigration bill can’t possibly be completed before Memorial Day. That’s going to drive McCain crazy: ‘There’s no debate! Don’t you understand, sailor? F you!'”

“All I know is that whenever I want fruit, I’m able to get it — and I don’t eat fruit. Can’t stand fruit.”

“‘Tainted apples and toxic mushrooms were among 107 Chinese food imports detained at US ports last month.’ What are the Chinese doing? First they’re poisoning our pets, now they’re poisoning us!”

“My tolerance today for stupidity is very, very low, folks. I don’t feel like suffering fools. It all started when I was watching the Today show and they put forth some expert on ‘how to eat less.'”

“‘Limbaugh blasts feminists while grousing and lamenting how hard it is for him to find a good old-fashioned gal to cook and clean for him.’ I have never done that! Those women are not hard to find, trust me. Besides, I have a staff that does all that.”

“I like living, so I’m not going to make any further comments about union guys in prison.”

“As you know, last week we were trying to come up with an official song to help Mrs. Clinton out in her campaign. Mike, see if you can find ‘Baby Got Back’ real quick.”

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“Every successful marriage is a two-bathroom marriage — two bathrooms, minimum.”

“I was going to call in to the show on Friday and do some minor gloating and take a little credit for the immigration bill being pulled, but right about that time I hit my third birdie on the front nine and so I said, ‘To hell with it — I’m going to keep playing golf.'”

“Do you remember how they taught you to be honest when you were in sixth grade? George Washington and the cherry tree. But I guess that won’t work anymore; you have to have gin in the sixth grade.”

“Somebody sent me a note: ‘Rush, you need to synthesize for people the definition of and difference between liberals and conservatives.’ All right. Liberals want to run your life. Conservatives have no interesting in running yours.”

“Some kid did the testing, and sure enough the toilet water was far cleaner than the fountain water in his school. Now, the kid is getting a lot of credit for this — as he should — but dogs have known this forever.”

“We played musical chairs once on my TV show, and Snerdley was the odd man out. He called me a bloated bigot as he stormed off the set.”

“Paris Hilton phoned into ABC from the psych ward and says she’s no longer going to ‘act dumb. That’s fabulous. That’s wonderful news. I just don’t know how we’re going to tell the difference.”

“It was only mere moments ago I told you that Paris Hilton said she’s not going to ‘act dumb’ anymore. Now, a mere 30 minutes later, I see a graphic on the TV claiming that Paris Hilton says she feels like she’s ‘in a cage.’ Well, she is in a cage. It’s called jail.”

“I’ve always thought it’s a bogus argument anyway — whether capital punishment deters crime or not is not the point. Capital punishment is a form of punishment. If it does deter crime, then it’s icing on the cake.”

“I don’t do yard work because that was how I was punished as a kid. One of my objectives in life was to never, ever have to mow a yard.”

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“They ought to make prisoners play golf. It’s so frustrating.”

“You can’t buy these Arab dictators off with a bottle of Bordeaux because they don’t consume adult beverages. Well, they do when they go to the Bahamas, but that’s when nobody can see them.”

“Joe Wilson is going to endorse Hillary Clinton. So what? What’s surprising about that? Hell, the thing that would worry me if Hillary is elected is that she might make Valerie Plame the director of the CIA.”

“We’re not suffering massive casualties in Iraq as we were in past wars.We haven’t been hit again. So why the hell surrender? Because the same appeasers who tried to undermine Reagan want to undermine this effort.”

“When you consider that we are fighting Al-Qaeda in Iraq and that they killed 3,000 unarmed civilians on our own soil in less than a few hours, then you’ll realize we have more than held our own against this bunch of people. We are fighting and we are winning.”

“This is more hideous and dangerous than anybody is letting on. I will bet you that if anybody in the intelligence community were to tell you what they know about what’s going on out there, we wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.”

“The numbers for Congress are, as I say, in the crapper, folks. Their numbers are lower than the numbers of support for the war. And yet we’re not talking about pulling those guys out of Congress.”

“‘We have to get out of Iraq, Mr. Limbaugh, because I feel uncomfortable. I don’t like what’s happening. I don’t like the roadside bombs.’ Well, screw you! You know, the country won’t survive with people like you in charge of things, so just go away!”

“As a number of children have told me on occasion, ‘close your pie hole.’ That’s what they call the mouth, I suppose. But no kid ever tells me what to do, so it didn’t work.”

“Joe Wilson is a pimple on a pig’s butt.”

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“A phrase that I live by today is, ‘Reality is what it is.’ Liberals and the media do not get to determine what reality is — it is what it is.”

“The New York Times has a poll that says the American people want the military to solve this problem and come up with a strategy for victory — ‘not the president or Congress.’ Or Congress. Or Congress. Or Congress!”

“If you don’t know what ‘haughty’ means, just think ‘John Kerry,’ who served in Vietnam. It’s that smarter-than-everybody-else-in-the-room elitism, when you are actually a blithering idiot.”

“This frosts me, folks. This whole series of Dem sound bites that I have played for you today have made steam come out both of my ear cavities. I can’t describe for you how outraged I am in civil language, so I shall not go further.”

“The same media that ignored Norman Hsu focused on whatFred Thompson was wearing in Iowa: Gucci shoes. I wear them, too! Way to go, Fred! And screw you, elitists!”

“I am beside myself. If I were sitting on that committee today, I would stand up when it’s my turn and lambaste the Democrats. Then I’d have to resign for violating House rules.”

“I know that there are commie libs in this audience listening each and every day to take me out of context, and I love tweaking them. Although, I’m on the verge of mild profanity here, folks. I was going to say, ‘tweak their ass.’ I’m sorry.”

“You couldn’t miss the Code Pink ladies. They looked like deranged jacks-in-the-box; totally deranged, miserable, unhappy, fat women. Ugly fat women. Yes, thank you.”

“Iraqi families are strolling the streets of Baghdad, Bob; Katie Couric discovered it last week when she was over there. She went to a market and people were buying vegetables and falafel and couscous and whatever else it is they buy.”

“It’s getting close to the point where Osama Bin Laden could deliver the keynote speechat the Democrat National Convention.”

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“I don’t see where the left wants unity. I see where they want no opposition. There is a huge difference between unity and no opposition.”

“No, I’m not going to take credit for the Philadelphia Eagles’ victory yesterday. I would love to, but I don’t thinkthe Lions could stop laughing all day at those stupid throw-back uniforms the Eagles wore. Did you see those things? For crying out loud!”

“To all of you new castrati at Columbia University and at Harvard andYale, let me tell you the truth: it doesn’t really take much courage to speak in this country. You know where it does take a lot of courage to speak? Iran.”

“While in Sacramento, I also took applications for a California mistress. There were a couple of big screens that erupted from the crowd at that point.”

“I once took my car to a mechanic who had a plastic Jesus on the cash register, and I said, ‘A-ha, this is an honest guy.’ He told me my car needed a new ‘disgronificator’ and that it would be 800 bucks. Well, there’s no such thing as a ‘disgronificator.'”

“New York Daily News: ‘Bill Clinton Boasts That World Leaders Are Pulling for Hillary.’ Yeah — Robert Mugabe, Osama Bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il, and Fidel Castro.”

“If I were an elected official of this country and somebody like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, state sponsor of terror, started to mimic my talking points, I’d privately get mad — but I don’t know if the Democrats have the ability to be embarrassed by this.”

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could keynote the 2008 Democrat National Convention. I mean, did Pelosi meet him at the airport? Was she part of the official greeting party? Was Kucinich out there?”

“Our quest on this program is to create as many informed, educated, and motivated people as possible. And in addition to understanding conservative principles, it is imperative that you understand the truth about today’s liberals: they’re worse than they have ever been.”

“Wasn’t it a man who invented the brassiere?”

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“Mrs. Clinton’s laugh is a signal to the guy asking her the question: ‘Do you like your testicles attached, or do you want them in my lockbox?'”

“People are dying out there because of enemas. That may sound odd to you, but I want to fill you in because we’re dying of everything and now enemas have been added to the list, and you need to know about this.”

“Sit tight, Dawn! Dawn’s about to explode in there! She came in today and said, ‘I am never going to watch or listen to Geraldo again after last night!’ Chill! Everything’s under control here.”

“It is important, ladies and gentlemen, to continue to characterize Mrs. Clinton as a woman who reminds you of your first wife. Maybe your first and second wife. Or Nurse Ratched. Or what have you.”

“People listen to this program because it’s a good show; it offers them lots of things. Well, politics is the same way. If somebody like Justice Thomas ever wanted to run for president, I guarantee you he would win. It’s about content and quality.”

“I’m not going to start couching what I say to make sure it can’t be distorted. We’re dealing here with the potential loss of meaning when others get to say what other people meant. This is a dangerous direction that we’re headed in.”

“From the Washington Times: ‘Is the United States of America honestly ready to elect a woman or an African-American president?’ You know, the real question is, ‘Is America ready to elect a bunch of socialists?'”

“Harry Reid, Jan Schakowsky, Tom Harkin, and all these people who have gone to the House or Senate floor… These people are saying things about me that they would not say about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.”

“You liberals just can’t handle truth.You have this cocoon that you’ve woven and you live in, and I — El Rushbo — come along, and like a wasp or a bee, keep stinging little holes in it, and you are in pain.”

“For those of you who are new to this program, we often keep track of sex-change operations on the medical front.”

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