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“The Democrats’ behavior in this fight is a criminal shame, but don’t for a minute think that we can’t win. We can and we will.”

“I want to start today’s program by giving a huge shout out — a huge ‘attaboy’ — to our troops over in Iraq. We have the progress report, and our people are moving the ball and kicking butt.So I want to congratulate them.”

“I can’t believe that, attitudinally, we have people who actually believe the United States can’t win. If we can’t beat these people, then it’s only a matter of time before our way of life as we know it is over.”

“I want you to hear me on this:Nancy Pelosi, who has nothing good to say about the Iraqi government — an ally of the United States — slobbers all over the Iranian and Syrian terrorist regimes. I mean, she’s over there breaking bread with this little Bashar Assad!”

“I am seriously considering withdrawing my nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. I’ll tell you why: if I am to win this, I’m going to be in a club that has schlubs like Jimmy Carter in it. That’s bad enough.”

“Ted Kennedy might end up on the yacht with Walter Cronkite now and then, but you never see him out there flaunting his wealth by building big houses. Of course, he didn’t have to build one — he inherited it. Or two or three.”

“This is the third time this has happened: a suspicious package addressed to John Edwards forced the evacuation of his campaign headquarters today. You know, I think the Breck Girl is failing to warn his staff of incoming Avon shipments.”

“Congress can sit there and make all these benchmarks for Iraq all day long, but why don’t they set any benchmarks for Iran? Let’s set some benchmarks for the Iranian nuclear program!”

“They are a gutless enemy, in one way. They hide behind women and children and in mosques. I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but at some point we’re going to have to get the will to wipe them all out.”

“There’s no comparison between John Kerry, who served in Vietnam, and Rudy Giuliani because Rudy’s not a wuss.”

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“Occasionally opportunity will knock on your door — you just have to be willing to open the door and see what’s there.”

“Where is Snerdley? Oh, there you are. What — were you laying down on the floor or something? I was going to say, I am not screening the calls myself on this show like I had to do in Kansas City back in the seventies.”

“I do have somebody to pack for me, but it’s not as simple as you think. Because of my weight fluctuations, I have different sizes of everything in the closet. I just can’t tell the staff person, ‘Okay, get me ten golf shirts.’ I have to stand there and pick each one.”

“James Carville sent out a mass e-mail seeking the ‘bumper sticker slogan’ that will carry the Dems through the 2008 elections. I worked on a few of my own: ‘Vote early, vote often. Que pasa?‘ and, ‘LBJ’s Great Society: one more decade oughta do it.'”

“I’ve been to a slaughterhouse — it was a field trip in grade school. Going through that I said, ‘Oh, God. I’m not ever eating ham or bacon again.’ That lasted about a day.”

“I have seen in my younger life blatant racism right in front of my eyes; it’s not a stranger to me. But what I also have seen is that those days don’t exist anymore — except in the imaginations of people who can’t let go because it entitles them to be victims.”

“There are certain areas in the business world where I cannot work because of what I think. I have not whined and moaned about it, but have accepted it as a badge of honor.”

“Every one of us gets stigmatized for something; there’s prejudice against the overweight, there’s prejudice against nerds, and there’s prejudice against geeks. And believe me: every nerd and geek knows who he is.”

“CNN has this story about seasoned citizens ‘having more sex than you think.’ Actually, I must be honest: I don’t think about seasoned citizens having sex, so I don’t know how they can be having more sex than I think.”

“I think the Clintons populate their organizations with like-minded people and their only order is: ‘You say nothing about what you see or hear with us.'”

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“Everybody was expecting Dan Rather to crack up on the air, and he came close to it on this Bush National Guard story. But it’s now official.”

“Any of you practical jokers out there… Something I’d love to see: Just get some of that yellow crime tape and drape it around the Clinton campaign headquarters. We know what goes on in there; just make it a crime scene and be done with it.”

“Usama Bin Laden says in another tape he’s going to invade Pakistan and declare war on Musharraf — which, ladies and gentlemen, puts him on the same page with a Democrat presidential candidate: Barack Ubama.”

“I’m a thoroughbred, full-fledged conservative here, and I know in national elections it wins. So I get very frustrated when people on our side are afraid to proclaim it proudly, and loudly, and with confidence.”

“Did you see that story about how many French people do not brush their teeth? It is amazing French kissing was ever invented.”

“My North Carolina mistress just sent me an obscene e-mail. What a way to start a busy broadcast hour! It was two words — and, no, they were not ‘Happy Birthday.'”

“Liberalism has no meaning beyond itself. Everything’s about them. They do not have any sense that there’s something bigger than they are — that’s why they’re hostile to God, because that gives people meaning.”

“Who was it the other day who said Hillary was not a ‘cold fish’? Oh yes: it was Madeleine Albright. Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that Madeleine Albright knows Hillary Clinton’s temperature.”

“This jet’s carbon footprint is smaller than my house! ‘That’s right, Mr. Limbaugh! You should be forced to sell your house and move!’ Yeah, well, you try that, you little new castrati, and see what happens to the rest of the manhood you have left!”

“I thank God every day I’m single.”

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