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“To the liberals — I don’t care what it is — if the earth wobbles on its axis, we have to talk to Karl Rove. These guys have Rove-itis.”

“Let me ask you a question. The term ‘magic negro’ has been thrown into the presidential race by an LA Times columnist, David Ehrenstein. Now, if I keep referring to Obama as the ‘magic negro’ from this day on, do you think I will eventually get the credit and/or heat for this?”

“I just saw a fund-raising ad for the National Resources Defense Council with two polar bears on that ice floe, and as the commercial proceeds, the ice floe melts into the letters ‘SOS.’ These creeps.”

“I predict to you that if the surge is ultimately victorious, and if Baghdad is someday rendered peaceful, that will not be big news, either. It’ll be clouded by how long it took, how many deaths were necessary to secure it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

“We’re launching a new website design today. We hoped to launch this a month ago and we’ve been trying to iron out all the bugs ourselves. I mean, we can’t have the disgronificator not work.”

“One of the funniest anti-war rallies was down in Miami; a bunch of the protesters were gummers, you know, people walking around with — what is that stuff that you glue the false teeth in with? Fixodent? Yeah, cans of Fixodent.”

“It’s one thing to be called a ‘sheet head’ when you’re a Muslim and not wearing a towel on your head, but can you imagine the humiliation of going toShamu Stadium in Orlando at Sea World and having the American flag pop up?”

“It’s the LA Times and the left who are raising questions about the authenticity of who’s black enough — it is dehumanizing, it is demeaning, and it is racist — and yet the NAALCP stands mute out there.”

“The caddies yesterday couldn’t read a green to save their lives. I finally blew up at them on the 18th hole. I missed a read by three feet! Should have followed my instincts. Never forget that: ‘Always follow your instincts.'”

“It’s just remarkable to continue to witness the actual racism that exists on the left, such as using the term ‘magic negro’ to apply to Obama. I’m singing a song in my head here: ‘Barack the magic negro, doo, doo, doo, doo.’ Uh-oh, Dawn is shaking her head on that.”

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“Let’s ban all immigration, legal and illegal. Doesn’t that make as much sense as saying, ‘Ban all guns’?”

“Last week, the First Amendment was under assault. This week, the Second Amendment is under assault. Media templates have been set in stone. It is terrible how an event like this can be so contorted to meet a political end. But that is the primary reason for all of the coverage is to meet a political end.”

“One of the reasons I didn’t talk much about this yesterday was because it was all breaking at the time, and had I echoed what I was seeing in the Drive-By Media yesterday, I would have been wrong in part.”

“Some people are calling it a ‘tragedy.’ I’m even having a problem with calling it a tragedy. A tragedy is a tornado or a hurricane running you down. This is an act of pure evil.”

“Everything is being looked at here through the prism of politics, rather than looking at this for what it is.”

“This doesn’t happen every day in this country. This is not what America is. This event does not provide a microcosm of the evils and horrors of American society.”

“You’ve got this kid that went nuts here for whatever reason, in a suicide note, railing against ‘rich kids’ and the debauchery of society. Wait ’til the Drive-Bys pick up on that and start extrapolating that into the other templates that exist in their newsrooms as to what’s wrong with American society.”

“Exactly what kind of gun control are they talking about now, as they attempt to politicize this — and when I say ‘they’ today I’m talking about the media. I’m talking about the Drive-By Media and the Democrat Party.”

“This is pure evil on parade, or insanity, and it’s self-contained within the mind and the body of the shooter. It was a sick, evil act, very much like that of a suicide bomber. We have to face that head-on and deal with that, not hide under our covers in fear and blame and guilt and start asking what’s wrong with America.”

“The two biggest acts of terrorism in this country occurred with box cutters, pocketknives, gasoline, and fertilizer — 9/11 and Oklahoma City — not guns.”

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“You’re the last person, Mrs. Clinton, who ought to be talking about what anybody would find on the Oval Office rug.”

“We all have huge smiles on our faces today, folks, and for a plethora of reasons. The weekend totals for our Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Cure-A-Thon are in: try $3 million. My gosh, it’s unbelievable!”

“Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, I will promise to underwrite the rest of your global warming bus tour so long as at every appearance, every television show, and every concert you continue to advocate the single-square-of-toilet-paper solution to global warming.”

“Sheryl Crow, let me just warn you about something: if you actually try this — only use one square of toilet paper for every bathroom visit — the only thing you’re going to be attracting in the next couple of days is flies.”

“If it could be shown that Al Gore and Rosie O’Donnell will only use one square of toilet paper, then I’ll join this club. But the dirty little secret is I have a bidet. I’ve never figured out how to use the stupid thing, though; they were put in when I had no choice in the matter.”

“White House Correspondents Dinner is an event for politicians; it’s their Hollywood night, it’s their Oscars — that’s why they have certain Hollywood entertainers show up. The big name this year was that loser from American Idol, Sanjaya. Is that his name?”

“I just got a note from a friend of mine: ‘I didn’t know that was what a bidet was for. I use it as my dog’s drinking fountain.’ I tried that with my cat, Punkin, but it’s not a full stream, so she wouldn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Global warming is a religious movement; believers just call their faith ‘consensus.’ But what if I were to say, ‘There’s a consensus around the world among Catholics, Christians, and Protestants that you’re going to go to hell if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ.’ What would the left’s reaction be?”

“I have lost eight pounds in a week, and my staff is pooh-poohing it and making fun of me. A lesser person would have gotten a hot dog and said, ‘to hell with it’, but I’m not doing this for the notice of others.”

“The only question I have about Sheryl Crow is, what is she going to do about the excrement for brains that she has? And these people wonder why Karl Rove has no desire to talk to them?”

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“If the tyranny of socialism can be voted down in France, can the tyranny of socialism be defeated in the United States in a year and a half?”

“The fact that 35% of this country’s Democrats think that there was a government conspiracy on 9/11that allowed these attacks to happen… it’s no longer funny to call them kooks and freaks and so forth. They are deranged.”

“Most people live their lives in a conservative fashion. Some of them may not vote that way, but it’s how people live their lives. I mean, you don’t get your paycheck and walk through the neighborhood to give it away, but you elect people to do it for you.”

“Seriously, folks: How does Time Magazine do a 100 Most Influential People of the Year issue and not put me on the list? I mean, for crying out loud — I make so much news for the Drive-By Media!”

“Snerdley is upset because they’re trying to blame me now for Obama getting Secret Service protection. If I were Obama, I would look to Clinton, Inc. before I looked to me! Try that, Drive-By Media!”

“Fred Thompson is being labeled a racist now because he played such a role 19 years ago. I guess we’ll have to start looking at Anthony Hopkins as a cannibal and Barbra Streisandas a needy whiner with identity issues — well, that may be true for her.”

“The people in my audience — if any of them ever decide to vote for Barack Obama, it’s going to be because they like his ideas. This audience is not sitting around looking at people on the basis of skin color. It’s the left that’s doing that.”

“France was the cradle of socialism, so now where do these actors threaten to go when they lose an election? They always threaten to go to France; maybe it’s time to go to Syria.”

“The real reason the Drive-Bys are after me is because I am parodying them. I am exposing their racism.They’re the ones calling Barack Obama the ‘Magic Negro,’ not me.”

“I’m not going to sit here and take it any longer from a bunch of morons who don’t listen to this show and who have only one purpose: to take out the next Imus. They’re going to have to look somewhere else because it isn’t going to be me.”

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“The Democrats thought they’d trick me into spending this whole show talking about the Fairness Doctrine, not the immigration bill.”

“On the golf course yesterday there was this bird just harassing this turtle like you wouldn’t believe. My caddy said, ‘The bird’s just waiting to get the turtle’s eggs.’ And I said, ‘Well, this isn’t going to happen when I’m out here.’ So I went over and picked up this turtle and took it back to the creek.”

“If it weren’t for France, we would not have won the Revolutionary War –and ever since then they’ve been on a downward spin. That’s a long time ago, folks! I mean, the French were reliable then!”

“Folks, I don’t believe in boycotts. I never have believed in boycotts. I think it’s cheap, it’s largely theatrical, and as the Turtles said in 1965, ‘It ain’t me, babe.'”

“On my first day in Sacramento I wore a sweater with no shirt underneath it. The program director called me: ‘Unacceptable attire, sir. We wear natural fibers at KFBK.'”

“I’m not going to go sit in the corner and start crying, ‘Waaa! Why won’t they leave me alone? Waaa!’ Bring it on, guys. You’ve already tried everything you can think of to take me out, and we’re bigger and better than ever.”

“Is this supposed to be an impressive crowd size for Obama– 1,500 people? If I said I was going somewhere and only 1,500 people showed, we’d cancel it. Yes, we would, Dawn.”

“You have to hear these two sound bites — they’re from The Oprah. And I want you to know what a professional and career risk I am taking by playing these bites. The Oprah is not to be criticized.”

“I’m sure these three US soldiers — if they are, in fact, being held by Al-Qaeda types — are getting the kind of treatment that is as every bit as wonderful as that at Club Gitmo. New Bibles, three square meals a day, toilets that face the right direction, access to the Rosie O’Donnell show — whatever it is they want!”

“I will be out tomorrow — back on Wednesday — and I will miss you. I want you to know: as badly as you will miss me, I’ll miss you almost as much, too.”

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“Our friends in the Democrat Party and the Drive-By Media do not believe in the concept of American exceptionalism.”

“My cat’s bladder forms little crystals that end up blockingher urinary tract, and she thinks she has to go to the bathroombut can’t. Poor little thing was suffering in the litter box… I was watching it for 25 minutes.”

“This Michael Moore — there’s something not right about the guy. And I’m getting fed up every time he waddles onto the stage at the Cannes film festival with whatever crap he has and gets the biggest round of applause from these phony-baloney, plastic-banana, good-time rock-‘n’-rollers.”

“‘Coasts Brace For Busy Hurricane Season.’ Now, let me ask you. I live on the coast. Do I look braced here today?”

“I don’t hear a word about what a rotten collection of reprobates and barbarians and seventh century derelicts these Muslim terrorists are. We’re not even allowed to say that about them because if we do, some interest group will show up and say it’s offensive.”

“It’s hard to contain myself, folks. I love hearing the sound of my own voice because I love hearing somebody who’s right all the time.”

“Remember where people in the middle of the road generally end up: in the hospital. And if you straddle the fence, you’re going to end up castrating yourself. So be very careful out there.”

“We have all kinds of politicians out there insisting that they are the next Ronald Reagan, but the one thing that most of them do not have is Reagan’s connection with the grassroots. Reagan was able to go over the heads of the media and connect with people, one on one.”

“One of the things I assume when I sit down to do this program each and every day behind this, the Golden EIB Microphone, is your intelligence. I know I’m intelligent, and if you weren’t, you couldn’t keep up.”

“Fool me once, shame on you.Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and liberals make you an expert.”

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“The biggest difference between liberals and conservatives is that liberals want to control your life. Conservatives don’t.”

“I have nothing against vegetarians. See, this is my point. I don’t care what you eat. Just stay outta my life. Don’t tell me I have to eat it.”

“Dingy Harry Reid is going to go to the floor of the Senate at 2:15 and ask for a moment of silence on the 3500 soldier deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq. This is to dig President Bush’s trip to Capitol Hill today.”

“I still haven’t seen the Sopranos!”

“Do you realize that without exception, if you wait long enough, everything a liberal tells you will be wrong?”

“Turn off the television and just listen to me, and you will not get ‘campaign fatigue.'”

“Kim Gandy of the NAGs, the National Association of Gals, is blaming me for spousal abuse. I don’t know how it’s possible she blames me for spousal abuse, predatory male behavior, and she says what really worries her is that there are a lot of progressives out there that she knows — i.e., liberals — who, if you listen to them speak, why, you might think you’re listening to me. I think it’s a totally deranged piece.”

“Ought this 1992 video of Algore calling for hostilities against Saddam not disqualify him from the Nobel Peace Prize? Algore, as you know, is my number one competitor. I, too, have been nominated for the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize. I have done more for liberty and freedom and free markets and entrepreneurship and all this than Algore has in his whole life, and he’s been nominated because of this global warming hoax, plus he’s running around ripping George Bush all to shreds.”

“Every time I see a Prius, I know it’s liberals in it. There’s a bunch of them down here where I live. I feel like getting up real close and giving them an enema — you know, just tailgating ’em — but I don’t.”

“Even moderates are upset about this amnesty bill, and they don’t get upset about anything, because they don’t have opinions on anything, but you have Democrats upset; some liberals are upset; obviously Republicans and conservatives all across the board — and the government, their senators, their congressmen, are saying things at them they know are not true.”

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“If I win the Nobel Prize, I promise to run for president.”

“I told Snerdley, ‘No more seminar callers.’ I used to have fun with them, but I’m not going to give them the added opportunity to take me out of context. Screw them. They’re idiots anyway, and they get boring to listen to unless I, as a brilliant host, can make the whole experience fun.”

“I am, for all of America, tying up Henry Waxman. Instead of him poking his nose into your business, he’s poking his nose into mine. And that, my friends, is true service — not just to you, but to the country at large.”

“I might not win the Nobel Prize, but they can never take this nomination away from me. And after the last ten days, folks, I should be the recipient of the Medal of Congressional Distraction.”

“Ala Senakreh, West Bank chief of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades terrorist group, said, ‘I hope Hillary is elected in order to have the occasion to carry out all the promises she is giving regarding Iraq.’ Well, now, there’s a bumper sticker for the Republicans!”

“‘A lousy marriage might literally make you sick. Marital strife and other bad personal relationships raise your risk for heart disease, researchers reported Monday.’ Well, isn’t this just peachy keen.”

“She’s going to be the nominee, and it’s going to be up to the Republican nominee to be honest with the American people about what a presidency with Hillary Clinton would mean. It’s not that hard, but it may take some guts to do.”

“Folks, I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, it’s impossible not to experience stress. I’ll bet even the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who has reached cosmic consciousness through transcendental meditation, suffers stress.”

“Here’s the problem: if I actually got into the race for the Republican nomination, I would win — and the five months would turn into eight years because I would win the presidency as well. But you have to have a fire in your belly to do that, and I love doing what I’m doing now.”

“Humanity is honesty, and I can’t be dishonest by denying that I’m right most of the time.”

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