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“Did you see ExxonMobil’s profit? Oh, this is great! Makes me feel proud to be an American! Makes me love capitalism! The largest annual profit in US history: 39 1/2 billion dollars. Yes!”
“Joe Biden really is Senator Blowhard. He just loves the sound of his own voice and doesn’t shut up. Has anybody else crashed and burned that soon in American politics?”
“When you focus on Tony Dungy’s and Lovie Smith’s race, you’re doing them an injustice. They are great men. They happen to be the best in their conferences this year. And both of these guys are ‘clean’ and ‘articulate’ — absolutely right.”
“Mike, I can’t believe that you’re going to hire a maid and only pay her $7.15. You know what I pay my maid, you cheap bastard? I pay my maid more than you will make in a lifetime!”
“The Democrats are worried that any action against Iran might get the country behind the president. Did I just say that? Yes, I said it! I am quoting them! They said it! Here we are in the war on terror, and these people have it out for us. I mean, there’s no other way to put it!”
“One of the myths that always goes around about the Bohemian Grove is that you can walk around nude if you want. Or that you might even see George Schultz relieving himself on the side of a tree.”
“What do these four things have in common: embryonic stem cells, synthetic fuels, global warming, and Hillary Rodham Clinton? They are all a lifetime away from delivering their promise. They’re all liberal Democrat fantasies, pure and simple.”
“Don’t insult me — I haven’t made $7 million a year in 14 years! Do you realize how that humiliates me in front of my audience and this country?”
“Here’s what I found in my RSS reader: ‘Landmark Legal Foundation today nominated nationally syndicated radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize.’ So, it’s true: I have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. I don’t know if they have to accept this, though.”
“Tomorrow is Open Line Friday, and I’m going to tell you right now: I expect some calls about the Super Bowl. If I don’t get them, I might as well call myself.”

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“I pledge to you today: I am never going to ride in a hybrid. I’m not going to ride in an electric car, and I’m not going to exercise to lose weight.”
“I’m going to introduce a new phrase on the program today, and I want it to be picked up by as many people as possible. I keep saying the Demcrats are ‘invested in defeat.’ Well, the new phrase is, ‘They own defeat.'”
“I’m getting all kinds of e-mails and jokes: ‘How many Rush Limbaughs does it take to change a light bulb?’ Nice try, you people. The correct answer to the question is, ‘You gotta be kidding. That’s what staff are for.'”
“I did an interview with the BBC yesterday afternoon about my hearing loss, which led to an interrogation on the Michael J. Fox incident and the Christopher Reeve scenario. Ah, aced it; don’t sweat it, Snerdley.”
“If we launched attacks on Iran and Syria today and went heavy metal, pedal-to-the-wall, this country would be cheering. The Democrats and the media would be in panic, but the people in this country would be cheering.”
“I’m in a feisty mood today because I’m battling all this conventional wisdom that’s out there. Of course, it wouldn’t be so bad if the conventional wisdom-types weren’t such a bunch of snot-nosed, elitist know-it-alls.”

“We have not been attacked since 9/11. As I see it, if we are attacked again it will be because the Democrats and their allies will have succeeded in weakening our country to the point of making it vulnerable.”
“I think those of you listening to the program today would have to agree that I’ve been particularly focused and brilliant, stirring and uplifting. Yet what do I have here on the roster of phone calls? People wanting to talk about light bulbs.”
“Maureen Dowd is a reliable, whacked-out liberal. It’s a shame how unhappy she is! I am tempted to think I could change that with just one dinner. You know me; I’m an eternal optimist. It’ll never happen, but we can fantasize.”
“Am I not making myself clear about this? Why are people continuing to call here to be so argumentative with me? How can they possibly think I’m wrong after 18 and a half years of being right?”

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“These carbon credits, these offsets are nothing more than the precursor to an imposed tax on energy usage, maybe an international tax. You are being set up.”
“You know, we ought to go into business here at EIB selling ‘carbon offsets.’ We could become gazillionaires! ‘Just trust us: we will take steps here at the EIB Network to reduce carbon footprints so that yours can remain as large as you want it to be. A hundred thousand bucks and you can live guilt-free!”
“How do you know when cows have passed gas? I mean, I guess you can smell it, but cows don’t give you a sly look when they do that.”
“Would you listen to this dumb, idiot audience on the Letterman show? They think McCain announcing his candidacy is big news. Who in the world didn’t know this? I don’t know, folks; I’m in sort of a little testy mood today. My fuse gets short when I’m confronted with idiocy.”
“Our first transsexual official. Well, there may have been more, but it’s the first I’ve heard about in the state of Florida. We’re getting progressive down here, Mr. Snerdley. This is cool.”
“Newt Gingrich said, ‘If the country wants therapy, they’ll elect Obama.’ Newt, the country may want therapy! Have you ever watched the number one television show in this country? It’s nothing but therapy! I speak, of course, of the Big O: The Oprah.”
“There is no shred of proof that Al Gore is carbon neutral. In fact, I would submit to you that being carbon neutral is impossible as long as you are breathing.”
“I want to support these guys in the administration, but two weeks ago they tell us that talking to Iran is never going to happen, that they won’t break bread with them and have tea and play the State Farm ‘good neighbor’ jingle. And then, lo and behold, they do it.”
“‘Artificial lighting confuses the sea turtle hatchlings, causing them to veer off course from their intended destination.’ You know, I’ve put myself in the same position as a hatchling, and from where you lay down on the beach you can’t see the lights. By the way, I have nothing against sea turtles.”
“Now, remember: I have never said I’m the smartest person in media. You people just think it.”

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“I don’t need to have kids. I’m a surrogate father for gazillions as it is.”

“Paula Spencer sent a book along and, as all women do, she included her phone number. Ha, ha! I just love Dawn’s reaction. I said yesterday about how she’s one of us here, and we’re all guys. Dawn, you’re going to look back on these days and say, ‘Thank you guys so much for showing me another part of the world.'”

“Did you see where they got rid of the fat kid on American Idol last night? I didn’t watch it, either. I just thought I’d mention it and act like I watch it to relate to even more people.”

“USA Today has a poll: ‘Do you think anything’s wrong about the firing of eight US attorneys?’ 72% said, ‘Yes’. So72% of the American people are a bunch of blithering idiots who have no idea what they’re talking about.”

“What was wrong with my golf swing was I was standing too far from the ball and my posture was way too bent over. If I had been able to play in the AT&T tournament — and I’m not kidding here — I would have killed spectators.”

“So now we have a senior Democrat — Dianne Feinstein — who made sure that over a billion dollars of federal money got routed through her own checkbook with her husband as a proxy. When will we see a Democrat investigation into this brand of corruption? Hint: we won’t, folks.”

“I am being given a first-time award tonight. They created a new one: the William F. Buckley Greatest Conservative in the World Award or something like that. I forget what the actual name of it is, but it’s a real honor.”

“I have a reason for drinking bottled water: I can’t turn on my tap and get grape water or tropical fruit water. And now I’ve discoveredbottled flavored water, and guess what? The commie babes on the left are going to try and take it away from me.”

“If an animal is about to become instinct we should start eating it; capitalism will see to it that there are farms of these animals. I mean, we don’t have a shortage of chicken. But don’t say that to animal-rights people because they’ll just go nuts. Straight logic is something they can’t deal with.”

“Liberals will not call here. I sometimes have to articulate the liberal argument myself in order to nuke it.”

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“You gotta love Dick Cheney, our hero here: ‘Pelosi engaged in bad behavior.’ Ha, ha!”

“This headline says, ‘Gore to Kick Off Tribeca Film Fest With Green Shorts.’ I thought he was going to wear green shorts, but they’re talking about short subject movies. I’m looking here through the whole story: ‘Where’s the paragraph about Gore wearing green shorts?'”

“I just saw Mr. Snerdley screaming in there, and I said, ‘I don’t know how many times I’ve told you not to scream at these people that we invite to call!’ He said, ‘I’m going to suspend myself so that you don’t have to.'”

“Pelosi said, ‘We came in friendship, we came in hope, and we came determined that the road to Damascus is the road to peace.’ That’s the kind of thing you’d get from a Miss America contestant or a National Honor Society candidate.”

“Jenny, are you nervous? Don’t be nervous. I want to assure you that when this is all over you’re going to have felt like a mink glove has been massaging your back.”

“If you hang around and wait for a president or any politician to do anything for you, you’re going to be waiting until they bury you.It’s up to you.”

“Many of the American people are a bunch of sponges, but, you know, keep an eye out if on the next hunting trip Cheney invites Pelosi to go.”

“I can’t tell you the last time I sat down and said, ‘Gee, I wish I had my hearing.’ Sometimes I wish I could hear some music, but other than that it happens so infrequently I don’t even think about it. It’s just what it is. I’m fortunate.”

“The Drudge Report has a still shot of San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom; it looks likes he’s simulating oral sex with a microphone, and there’s a picture of Pelosi eating something right below him. So the San Francisco oral fixation is on display. How soon before Bashar Assad is invited to share in the delights?”

“You never know what’s on somebody’s butt these days until they moon you.”

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“Is it just me, or does the Drive-By Media just love this Virginia Tech story? Shameless and sickening; they just love it.”

“To read these little neophytes — these elitist, know-it-all, sniveling little pencil-necked geek-creeps locked away in their newsrooms — talk about how there’s incivility in our culture found with Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh… if it weren’t for us, this country would be far more gone than it is.”

“NBC is trying to make it plain that only 10% of their airtime has gone to this shooter andthat package that he sent them. So: 10% of airtime for murderers, 0% of airtime for minority hosts.”

“Who’s giving this killer the perverse legacy that he sought? It is not talk radio, ladies and gentlemen; it is one of your major big three networks, NBC. Can you imagine if he had mailed this stuff to me, what they would be saying today?”

“So which MSNBC anchor should resign to make room for a minority host? Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, or Tucker Carlson? Vote now at RushLimbaugh.com. It’s very close; these guys may demand a recount before this is all said and done. Andthere’s no paper trail, either.”

“This is who these liberals are;nothing but doom and gloom. Comparing the shootings at Virginia Tech to losing the right to kill a baby halfway out of the womb? And they wonder why there’s no respect for human life in this country.”

“I had a big party — 35 or 40 people came over this weekend — and it was amazing, the discussions. They were all like-minded people. I don’t pepper my parties with token libs just to spice things up. They’re not entertaining, Snerdley.”

“The strength of this program is not me, it’s all of you who listen to it every day and understand when it’s distorted and lied about. And you don’t abandon the show because you have the sophistication to understand what’s up.”

“My mother used to say, ‘Clean your plate; there are starving kids in China.’ Finally one day I said to my mother, ‘You mean to tell me if I eat everything on this plate the kids in China are going to feel better?’ She said, ‘Don’t you sass me!’ Well, what else could she say?”

“It’s Limbaugh time, and there’s no better time than any time for Limbaugh time.”

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“CBS, on one of their websites, has restricted all Obama comments. You can’t comment on Obama.”

“Brian, pick up the phone and call Roy Spencer. We’re not used to having guests here, so it takes a while for it to register that we can reach out to people. Now, you know not to call the fax number, right? I just love teasing Brian.”

“Ever since I said yesterday that we got our first shipments of my Nobel Peace Prize mugs in, people have been saying, ‘Where’s mine? Where’s mine?’ Well, I get mine first! You have to understand: I’m the grand pooh bah.”

“We had Zawahiri over the weekend saying, ‘Hey, you know that bill the Democrats lost? That proves that Washington is defeated.’ I wonder how the Democrats feel that the #2 guy next to Uncle Benny is on their side, praising their efforts.”

“How many billions and billions of years has the planet been around? And all of a sudden things are happening that have never happened before? ‘Oh, my God, and we’re the ones responsible! Oh, my God, we gotta do something! We need one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit!'”

“I offered myself as an exclusive interview subject for the CBS Evening News yesterday, and Bob Andersen called and he said, ‘We’ll be happy to have Katie interview you for 60 Minutes and then run excerpts of that interview on the Evening News.’ Nice try, Bob.”

“I have an Abyssinian cat. Do you think my cat knows it’s an Abyssinian cat? In fact, do you think my cat even knows it’s a cat? I guarantee you my cat thinks it’s a person.”

“Yesterday I mentioned my friend’s new product — ‘Dr. Tillitsuits’ — and I was afraid of this; you’ve caused the product to be backordered now at Williams-Sonoma!Well, it’s a great little product that enhances every one of your recipes — and makes great Bloody Marys to boot!”

“Did you just hear Jane Fonda say, ‘premature evacuation’? Presidents are afraid of getting out of wars because of ‘premature evacuation’? There you have it: ‘premature evacuation.’ The women of the left.”

“I’m starting to agree with those of you that have called me and said we have way too many idiots in this country. You can spot them easily by how many of them just suck up all the BS from the left.”

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