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Rush Limbaugh

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“The real statesmen in our society are not out to get votes or worried about fundraising. The real statesmen in our society are on talk radio.”

“John Edwards’ new theme is ‘Rewarding Work and Ending Poverty in America’? I sit here stunned at the brilliance of this little man. Why, what could we reward work with? A paycheck! And with a paycheck, folks, you could afford a haircut!”

“Do not forget this phrase: ‘Manage the news.’ That is what journalism is. I don’t care if the story is ‘Dogcatcher Ran Over a Cat’ — there’s an action line to every story.”

“I keep my phone on vibrate anyway because I hate the sound of a phone ringing. It can ruin the next 30 minutes of my life — all these weirdo Star Trek sounds sound like UFOs hovering over my house.”

“We’ve tried to get people’s hands wringing over every little thing that happens as a crisis except the one thing that really is: a worldwide movement of lunatics who are being very open and honest about what their intentions are.”

“Over Giant’s Stadium there was a plane carrying a banner that said, ‘Don’t Believe Al Gore.’ Ha!People are not buying this, for some reason. Probably because of the power of me.”

“RushLimbaugh.com is a veritable conservative encyclopedia. You have to see it to believe it; it’s beyond description. Well, if I had 30 minutes here I could describe it in full, but it’s better if you just go there and take a look at it.”

“I read about Madonna and her performance over at Live Earth; apparently she simulated sex with a guitar. Now, that’s not Madonna. That’s going soft. And this concert called for boldness!”

“Why are the Drive-Bys trying to take Katie Couric down? They’re not trying to take down Brian Williams or Charlie Gibson, and they both do the same thing: read a TelePromTer for 20 minutes and play Preparation H commercials for the other ten.”

“Maybe Katie Couric’s just not a nice person. I might know a little bit about that, but I’m not going to say.”

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“The Prius is a status symbol for aging hippies who want to tell everybody: I care. What are you doing?'”

“Elizabeth Edwards says she’s not going to buy tangerines anymore because they have to be shipped in using fossil fuels to get them to the market in North Carolina.Excellent point, Mr. Snerdley. Where is the toilet paper plant in North Carolina? Is there one?”

“The new Congress has apparently issued every subpoena that there is in that town, threatening the national subpoena reserve. You may not know that we have a national subpoena reserve, but we do.”

“If you have any blank subpoena forms in your attic, please get them and FedEx them to Henry Waxman, Washington, DC, and Patrick Leahy, Washington, DC. Because if you have blank subpoena forms and you don’t send them to Washington to cover the shortage over there, you might be subpoenaed.”

“I remember when I was a kid watching Ernie Banks’ retirement ceremony at Wrigley Field in Chicago. They were at home plate and he said, ‘First off, I want to thank God for making me an American.’ I’ve never forgotten that.”

“CNN’s whole charade with this YouTube stunt was designed to get them into the Internet era. And why do they want that? Because that’s where these young, acne-faced, little narcissists are these days — and CNN wants them.”

“I want to apologize for just now whispering that some of you people are idiots for not understanding the constitutional delegation of power to the president. I realize that some of you may not even know what the hell the Constitution is. So sorry.”

“I just read this New York Times story, and they don’t even refer to it as ‘Al-Qaeda;’ they call it, ‘Mr. Bin Laden’s group.’ Ha, ha! Why don’t they just say, ‘Osama bin Laden, D-Afghanistan’?”

“I really do wonder who is actually running in the Edwards campaign, because there are more policy positions and statements coming out of her mouth than her mouth — I mean, ‘his mouth.’ Well, that was a faux pas that was right on the money!”

“The views expressed by the host on this program are correct — as judged by a consensus of the American people. Of course, there are Rush deniers out there, but they are sickos.”

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