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“The argument that cutting the number of American troops will help stabilize Iraq is like arguing that the best way to put out a spreading fire is by pulling out the firemen.”
“‘Wait until the gas passes.’ This is one of the great executive leadership lines of all time: ‘Just open the doors, open the windows, and wait until the gas passes.'”
“The big deal at the Consumer Electronics Show is this 108-inch LCD TV by Sharp, which is a high-definition TV, and some people say LCD is better than plasma. One hundred and eight inches is nine feet. That is not insignificant. It’s chump change to me, but it’s not insignificant.”
“It’s just this simple: if you compromise with liberals, you get liberalism.”
“There’s a story here: ‘Cheney is going hunting, hunters beware.’ Do we get these kinds of stories, may I ask you, every time Bill Clinton is going to be around young women?”
“If you are on the left, you just have to know one thing: Bush is wrong no matter what he’s doing, and you are brilliant no matter what Bush is doing.”
“You have to ask yourself, ‘Why is it that the Democrat Party is so invested in defeat in this mission in Iraq?’ You don’t even have to come up with the answer right away — just ask yourself, because that is the question.”
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Don’t tell the liberals that we don’t have to kill babies now for stem cells! Don’t tell — you will ruin their day!”
“If you look at what happened on the House floor last week with Pelosi and all of those children, you’d have to say that if a feminist were being honest with herself, she’d call it a setback. What Pelosi should have been doing was spanking a bunch of guys and telling them how it’s going to be in there.”
“You’re kidding me — cow expelations have no smell?”

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“The biggest complaint I get about callers is, ‘Why do you even take them? All they do is slow the show down! They slow the pace down. Here you?re ratcheting up and you’re going and you get a call, “Hi, Rush. I milked the cow this morning before I called you. She loves you, too.” Why do you do that?’ Because I invite these people to call. I think it’s fun.”
“These Duke guys’ lives have been ruined. If they did it, they should go to jail. If they didn’t do it, they still have been jailed to a certain degree. I hope they sue. I hope they sue Nifong, the investigators, the university, and everybody else in a civil case.”
“Tim Russert is a star witness in the Valerie Plame Case. His testimony will prove that Scooter Libby lied. But the original leaker was known all along: it was Richard Armitage, and there was no crime because she wasn’t covert.”
“My show has always run the gamut. This show is not politics wall-to-wall and if it ever got to be that, I would get bored. This is about me doing a show I want to do and being happy in the process, and I love to share the things in my life that I enjoy.”
“We all make the mistake of wanting to please the people. Generally you lead the people, because you can’t please everybody. When you start trying to please everybody, you bomb. You literally will bomb.”
“Folks, ’24’ is one of the best television shows I’ve ever seen. You can’t get up from your chair. The action is riveting, the plot twists. You can watch it or not, but I don’t know how if you start it you can stop it.”
“Some people are snobs and some people aren’t, and if they’re snobs, you can’t change them. We have snobs just like we have nice people.”
“They surveyed some college campus people, kids, students, and most of them don’t really know all that much about Martin Luther King. There’s bad news. It’s not a surprise to me, of course.”
“I can’t believe the Supreme Court hasn’t put a stop to these executions, these hangings, in Iraq — especially if they?re going bad and humiliating the victims. We haven’t heard a word from John Paul Stevens or Ruth ‘Buzzi’ Ginsberg or Mr. Foreign Law himself, Stephen Breyer. What good are they?”
“John Edwards, the Breck Girl, was very courageous and had a lot of guts yesterday: he went into New York to slam Hillary while she’s in Iraq.”

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“I just checked the e-mail during the break: ‘Aren’t you taking your Zicam?’ Yes! Folks, this is a rotten chest cold — it is as bad as I’ve ever had — and if it weren’t for the Zicam, I would not be here today.”
“A trillion — that’s a thousand billion, isn’t it? No? It’s not? Darn it! My mind does not function when I have a stupid cold.”
“Kim Jong Il may be enough of a pervert that if he got enough cognac in the deal and enough pornographic tapes — plus enough food to keep his population from rioting for a while longer — he might keep quiet. And whatever hair piece stuff he wears. What do you call that? A bouffant?”
“If we’re going to take a candidate that we like and say, ‘This guy is the best we can do, conservative-wise,’ then we’re never going to advance conservatism.”
“The latest taped segment from Al-Qaeda is an unusually personal attack on President Bush in which Ayman al-Zawahiri denounces him as an alcoholic, a liar, and a gambler with an addictive personality. When I saw that I said, ‘This has got to be a DNC fax.'”
“In gay marriage you’re either going to have to go adopt kids or have David Crosby come in and fertilize one of the wombs.”
“Barack Obama said Sunday that ‘name recognition’ would be his toughest challenge in the 2008 presidential campaign. Really? Name recognition? Who in the world is not going to remember ‘Barack Hussein Obama’?”
“The North Koreans have reneged on every deal, so why make a deal with them now? What is it that never seems to change about the West when in arguing and negotiating with communists? Why is it that we never understand that they lie?”
“This nonbinding resolution in the House — who cares? Frankly, I think it’s irrelevant. We’re going to have the surge, and we’re going to kick ass.”
“It seems like half the male population of California is claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child. I ought to put myself on the list! I mean, the only difference between me and those guys would be I don’t need the money.”

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“Obama screwed up. He said fatherhood ‘doesn’t end at conception.’ That’s a very pro-life statement. He didn’t say fatherhood doesn’t end at birth.”
“Greg Craig, a well-known impeachment lawyer, well-known Clinton backer, the lawyer who secured for Fidel Castro the return rights to Elian Gonzales, has defected from Clinton, Inc. This is big. He has gone over to camp Obama.”
“I have to think that some military families vice president sent letters to their congressmen complaining about the conditions at Walter Reed. I don’t know it, but it strikes me that people write their congressmen all the time for a whole bunch of reasons. Why would they not about this? Yet these guys run around and act like they’re totally shocked and stunned. They can’t believe what happened.”
“I, single-handedly, am on a mission to blow this whole global warming thing out of the water, because it’s just another giant lib hoax — and at the end of it (if it works), you’re going to be paying higher taxes and your kids are going to be paying higher taxes and you’re going to have all kinds of big government are regulations telling you what you can and can’t drive, can and can’t eat, where you can and can’t live.”
“I believe overall in humanity. I believe in individuals — and I believe in rugged individuals. I think all individuals have the ability to overcome obstacles in life, whatever they are, and we all face them.”
“Hate doesn’t do anybody any good. It doesn’t. It’s not a motivator. It doesn’t inspire. It just enrages and angers and paralyzes.”
“Everybody’s in Selma, and the Breck Girl goes out to Berkeley and equates a janitors strike with what went on there 43 years ago!”
“There is free speech out there, and there is no question you can say what you want to say and you should be able to when you want to say it, but you can’t because of political correctness.”
“The Drive-Bys totally give Bill Maher a pass for wishing that Dick Cheney were dead, saying that more people would be alive were that the case.”
“Politics is showbiz for the ugly. There’s a reason politicians are not actors, because they’re not that good at it. Plus, who would pay to look at any of them on the big screen doing anything?”

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“Chuck Hagel says we are ‘perceived as a nation at war with Muslims’? Does 9/11 exist in your memory bank, sir?”

“By the way, we’re going to start a new game on this program. It’s called, ‘Guess the Religion.’ Story out of France: ‘There were riots on a French subway yesterday by youths.’ What youths? Who besides militant Muslims is rioting in France?”

“I’m going to tell you something, folks: If you go through life governing yourself on the basis of what you think others think of you, you are a failure and you will amount to nothing but a hill of beans. And who wants a hill of beans?”

“I got an e-mail yesterday from one of the producers at Larry King Alive asking me if I wanted to come on and I said, ‘Sorry, I can’t. I’m going to be watching ‘House’ tonight.’ They e-mail back: ‘I don’t blame you.'”

“There is a great rule of thumb, here: If you’re watching one of these Drive-By shows and you hear comments about any Republican or conservative, your best bet is to doubt everything you see and find out on your own.”

“Paul, you area microcosm of today’s liberal Democrat. When I actually stop to think that there are Americans like you, I get depressed.”

“There’s an untold side-story in the Tony Snow news: Tony gave up a great, high-paying job to do work for the country he loves. It makes him not only a nice guy and the object of our prayers, but in one sense, a true hero. Tony Snow represents the kind of goodness that makes America, America.”

“So some Canadian woman tried to coax her dog that wasn’t eating to eat by eating some of the pet food herself? It does lead to an interesting question: how did she house train the dog?”

“A lot of Democrats blamed the Swift Boat group for sinking the presidential campaign hopes of John Kerry (who served in Vietnam). Of course, Kerry’s pathetic, dry-ball, dull personality and absolute abhorrent politics had nothing to do with him losing the election, oh no.”

“I’m glad you called. You sound like a babe, by the way. I have to say this. Once a babe, always a babe — unless you get elected to the Senate. Something happens then.”

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“Let’s face it: if it weren’t for the Drive-By Media, the Imus show would have been off the air a long time ago.”

“Jos Padilla claimed that he was forced to stand in painful stress positions, given LSD as a truth serum, was subjected to loud noises and noxious odors and forced to endure sleep deprivation, extreme heat, cold, and harsh lights. That sounds like your average college hippie party back in the 1960s.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if Fox went ahead and televised the debate and just put up cardboard cutouts of all the Democrats who aren’t there? They could ask them questions anyway and let the silence speak for itself.”

“Imus is out there throwing my name around as if that gives him cover, and that’s gutless. He can’t stand on his own two feet and is acting like a little six-year-old in a sandbox: ‘Waaa!'”

“LaFleur Dominicana Double Ligero Chisel dittos, ladies and gentlemen; that’s the cigar that I am puffing on. You should smell it! Even people who hate cigars love this one, it smells so good.”

“I was once on TV with Al Sharpton way back in the early nineties. After he finished his opening riff, I looked at him and said, ‘I don’t understand why you have any credibility left with people in your community.’ He looked at me and was just stunned.”

“‘Planting new trees in snow-covered northern regions may actually contribute to global warming;’ this according to a study that was out Monday. So all you people buying these carbon offsets — mwa, ha ha!”

“I erred in the last hour; I erroneously gave credit for the NCAA ladies basketball championship to Rutgers. I want to apologize to the Lady Vols, and I will meet with the team individually to try to restore their joy.”

“I very seldom get offended. It’s a waste of time, it’s a waste of energy, and it’s a waste of intellect. But more than that, it is a surrendering of self and power. Why in the world would you want to grant people, people you don’t even know, the ability and power to offend you?”

“The Reverend Jackson does come up with great rhymes: ‘MSNBC, CNN, all day, all night, all white.’ Let’s add to this: ‘MSNBC, CNN, all liberal, all day, all night, all white.'”

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“When you make decisions — politically or as an individual — out of fear, I guarantee you that you’re going to screw up.”

“Cindy Sheehan has finally figured out she was nothing more than a pawn. She’s put Camp Crawford up for sale down there in Texas and says she’s going to accept any reasonable offer. I don’t know how much a ditch goes for in Texas. I guess it depends.”

“I don’t know if you ever watched Sex and the City; I did as a cultural survey project.”

“I can’t ignore this headline. I should ignore it — it’s fraught with danger — but I can’t ignore it: ‘Clinton Says She’s Not Blowing Off Iowa.’ You know, the name ‘Clinton’ and ‘blowing off’ in the same headline is a huge risk for someone like me. That’s all I’m going to say.”

“The liberals, leftists, and socialists have been trying to take over the world forever. Somebody has to stand up to them, and we need people like you in the fight. You just can’t throw in the towel here. I’ll tell you when it’s time to do that.”

“The Republicans didn’t lose the last election because they weren’t liberal or moderate enough. They lost it because they abandoned conservative principles — and that’s precisely what’s happening now in the immigration debate.”

“It’s going to happen some day: America’s Funniest Home Videos is going to be America’s Funniest Home Videos That Prove Global Warming. Sunday nights, 7:30, ABC. Make sure to set your TiVo!”

“The Democrats will always show up at the polls because they want more money for government or from government for a personal basis. Rank-and-file conservatives want to be left alone by the government, and they vote based on vision, principles, and solutions — not on selfishness.”

“I’m doing a yeoman’s job, by the way, of bringing new angles to this immigration debate and not sounding like a broken record. It’s tough to do.”

“I saw this headline here — ‘Residents Not Sure Two Bullets Enough to Stop Giant Lizard’ — and I thought maybe Rosie O’Donnell was visiting Janet Reno. But turns out it was an actual lizard out there.”

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“You don’t get away with calling America’s Truth Detector a liar.”

“I have to tell you a little short story. A good friend of mine’s secretary showed up at the front door. She had a box from my friend, and it had three pairs of David Ledbetter golf shorts in it.I said, ‘Oh, this is awfully sweet.'”

“People ask me all the time, ‘Rush, what’s your favorite part of your job?’ It’s hard to say; I like it all. But the thing that’sthe most fun, I guess,is how I irritate these liberals and Democrats.”

“The McCain campaign is imploding because of illegal immigration. When you have the courage to get in bed with Ted Kennedy and you seek the Republican nomination, somebody needs to stop you from getting in bed with Ted Kennedy.”

“Rather than fix the standard dinner last night, I saw the potato chip bag and I said, ‘What the hell.’ I ripped the thing open and got some dip… it wasn’t worth it.”

“Snerdley is sitting here still stunned and amazed that I would advise the previous caller to skedaddle from his date. He said, ‘I can’t believe that guy would let Algore and a movie stand in the way of a babe.’ I said, ‘That’s exactly the babe trap.'”

“Michael Moore denied CNN permission to tape more of their interview and use it later because — get this — he was afraid they might take it out of context. Yep, a propaganda movie maker afraid that he’s going to be taken out of context on CNN.”

“The news on smoking is, ‘It’ll kill you, it’s stupid, it’s dumb.’ Well, smokers deserve the Congressional Medal of Honor because they are single-handedly funding children’s health care.”

“We all know that muscles are not what really draws women to men. I mean, the evidence is all over the place. There are plenty of flabby, worthless, ugliest-people-you’ve-ever-seen, and they have babes draped all over them.”

“Treason to a liberal is not supporting the enemy trying to kill us.”

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“You are so much more informed than readers of the New York Times, and I cannot tell you, both personally and professionally, how much pride I have in that.”

“You start getting into designer babies and where do you draw the line? Where do you stop it?”

“I think the Democrats are going to change their mantra on the meaning of the 2006 election. Ever since the 2006 election, that outcome was claimed to be to get us out of Iraq. I think now what’s probably going to be said is that the 2006 election was a mandate to fix our bridges.”

“A coalmine in central Utah collapsed today after a 4.0 magnitude earthquake, trapping six miners inside. I’ll tell you, the infrastructure is going to hell under the Bush administration. My gosh, mines can’t even handle a 4.0 earthquake! What’s happening to this country? What do they think we are, Russia? China?”

“President Bush has shown us how to raise kids. You keep ’em in detention. Congress is a bunch of spoiled brats. He made ’em stay through Saturday.”

“Mr. Snerdley asked, ‘Is it safe to say that Mrs. Clinton is running on her husband’s coattails?’ No. That’s not how I would characterize it. She’s running on his zipper. I mean, if you’re going to run on the Clinton administration record, you’re running on his zipper.”

“We all know that Media Matters is. They’re just a bunch of bought and paid for Clinton hacks. Of course, the Drive-Bys don’t tell us that. The Drive-Bys report them as an independent watchdog agency.”

“Anybody in their right mind running for office cannot answer this question, ‘Yes, I’m going to eschew lobby money,’ because it won’t happen. Certain things in politics aren’t going to change.”

“If you cut taxes, you’re going to reduce revenue. No, it doesn’t work that way, and we’re living it right now. We lived it in the eighties. We are living it right now.”

“I sometimes don’t think people realize the full scope and breadth of my talent. Here I am in the middle of a brilliant monologue setting things up, and in the IFB I get a question from Mr. Snerdley, who would only ask the question because he’s confident enough to know that his interruption to me will not take me off track.”

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“If you have to follow a nurse around to find out what a nurse does, who the hell are you to be changing national health care policy?”

“You have to hear, folks, the reaction to Karl Rove’s appearance on this program yesterday. The media is beside itself that Rove called them ‘effete, elite snobs.’ That really tore them a new one.”

“You remember how Andrea Mitchell of NBC made a big deal out of the fact that at the end of the day Hillary washed the dishes? That tells me that Andrea doesn’t and hasn’t in a long time. Well, most of these Drive-By babes in DC don’t do the dishes.”

“Snerdley is screaming at me here instead of screening calls. What? What? Oh. Snerdley’s afraid that I will be misunderstood as cold-hearted and cruel. He thinks I don’t care. Of course I care.”

“You liberals aresweet talked by the Democrats, and then you get clobbered again. How much verbal abuse are you liberals going to continue to take? When will you finally say, ‘Enough! I’m through being a battered liberal’?”

“What’s even more hideous about Battered Liberal Disorder is that it’s enabled — but there is hope. There is a virtual sanctuary — a safe house, if you will — called ‘The Rush Limbaugh Program.'”

“I do not lampoon states or cities. The only time that that has ever happened here was in the first six months of the program –I had to ban all calls from Reno, Nevada. I did it for a week because, well, it was pretty bad.”

“Nobody here thinks that North Carolina is full of a bunch of bumpkins or ignorant people; there’s ignorant people all over the place. Our job here, though, is to keep them off the radio. I just stepped in it again, didn’t I?”

“When a liberal says, ‘We need to end the partisan bickering,’ what he means is, ‘The conservatives need to shut up. And if they won’t shut up, we’ll make them shut up.'”

“Pardon the sniffles again today, folks. I know it sounds rude and unprofessional, but you watch: since I am the role model for media figures today, sniffling will become an art form.”

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“Liberals hate IDs. It’s tough to get away with fraud and deceit when you have to show an ID in the voting booth.”

“Janet Reno’s new CD — Songs of America — is in the stores now, folks. I don’t know if she does a duet with Barry Manilow on this CD. What, Snerdley? No, no — Janet Reno wouldn’t be on any ‘truckers’ favorites’ list.”

“Yippee. Yip, yip, yip, yip, yippee. Way to go, Snerdley. First call of the day: somebody who wants to talk about O.J. Simpson.”

“The simplest way to explain what liberals want to do to people is to use the word ‘freedom’: Do you like it? Do you want to keep it? Because it’s threatened by today’s Democrats.”

“I guarantee you Bashar Assad calls Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in Iran and says, ‘You won’t believe what just happened here! I just had these two idiot infidels walk in here — this midget Kucinich and this Pelosi babe — and they’re telling me how much they love us! Ha, ha, ha!'”

“Today is Dawn’s birthday, and two of her friends showed up with — what? Some weeds? Some flowers. Oh, those are from us? Well, I knew that.”

“You know, Harry, I have a hearing problem. I have a cochlear implant, but some words sound similar and so I thought you said to me, ‘Long asses and tight lines.'”

“New York Representative Peter King said there are ‘too many mosques in this country.’ Can you say, ‘Uh-oh’? Although, I happen to think this is a very courageous thing to say.”

“Look at this headline: ‘Man Hides Sex Toys in Sausage for Dubai Trip.’ I’ll tell you, you don’t want to take stuff like that in Dubai. You do not. If you’re thinking of that, folks, stop yourself. Discipline, discipline, discipline.”

“In Seattle, they have a new street car: the South Lake Union trolley. The acronym for it is SLUT. So in Seattle, you can ride the SLUT.”

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