“They published a map to my defaced billboard, making it a cultural attraction. This billboard of me is going to end up being one of the top cultural sites in the city of Baltimore. The Orioles suck, so you have crab cakes, the inner harbor, and the Limbaugh billboard.”
“I’m going to say this one more time and then I’m going to drop it: I do not hate women. You guys are just totally misunderstanding this. Perhaps to my detriment, it’s just the exact opposite. I’m always on the lookout for the next Mrs. Ex-Rush Limbaugh.”
“‘Fight the Power,’ by the Isley Brothers. My favorite Isley is Rudolph. Well, Ronald, too — he’s the lead singer. But Rudolph has the tambourines.”
“Wherever you’ve worked, you’ve been shafted. Everybody has. It makes you mad and you want to seek revenge; you want those people to pay for it. But if you just sit back and wait, those people eventually get theirs.”
“Ok, I made the list here, folks. My ideal woman: five foot seven, flat spot on top of the head. Deaf-mute. The flat spot on the top of the head is for your drink. It’s a joke!”
“There was a woman sitting next to me at the dinner party last night who I had not met, and halfway through my speech she pinches my thigh! I stopped and told the table, ‘She just pinched my thigh and we’re not even married!'”
“If I ever get married again, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m just going to buy the woman a house and break up with her. That will be the end result anyway.”
“Memo to Republicans: Moderate or not, your voters don’t want you to sound like Democrats. They don’t want you to vote like Democrats. And they don’t want you to spend like Democrats.”
“I have to close the program with the famous last words uttered by poor Dawn today — the only woman amongst us here. She just said, ‘Some days it is just a struggle in here.’ And this has been one of those days.”
