#1. Put profits last and feel-good populism first. Business enterprises are no longer in business to make a profit, but instead to serve the “public good.” If you happen to make money as a business, that’s okay, but that should not be your prime motivation.
#2. Put taxes first. The mission of business, after all, is to fund government operations with ever-increasing taxes, and facilitate the welfare state’s acquisition of government goodies. A good company has no right to avoid paying the highest level of taxes or using every legal means at their disposal to ensure that their tax burden is “reasonable.” Good companies: find a way to pay the most in taxes they can, and then do it.
#3. Put competition aside. Aggressively attempting to gain market share is bad; it’s selfish; it means your business competitors will suffer – and suffering is bad.
#4. Fund employee retirement. Since Social Security cannot be counted on, it is the responsibility of corporate America now to pay for the retirement of employees, no matter how expensive and regardless of the impact on the profitability of the enterprise. Corporate America is responsible for the retirement dreams of the citizenry, not the citizens themselves. They’re incompetent and incapable. Citizens don’t have what it takes to make the right decisions to retire successfully, in the Land of the Left.
#5. Fully fund every employee’s health care. The company is responsible for funding all of the health care needs of all employees, including birth control, sex-change operations, and any new age treatment currently popular, including trips to Tijuana for abortions.
#6. Fully fund time off of work. Employees deserve at least three months off in addition to their vacation, sick-time and personal days. The corporation should understand the needs of the employees and fully fund this time off, and provide the employee with their job when they return from family and medical leave.
#7. Fully fund a living wage program. Employees deserve to live. Their skills and contributions to the corporation are less important than their salary, which should be inflated to meet their personal needs. No one should have to work for less money than they want.
#8. Provide security. If a job function is no longer viable to the corporation, if it’s no longer needed or could be done cheaper elsewhere, the employee will be placed out of work. This is unacceptable. Responsible corporations retain useless employees and give them raises and ignore the global competitive marketplace. You never eliminate a job – never, ever, no matter how useless it is to you. That’s just cruel.
#9. Fully fund dysfunctionalism. If an employee suffers from a mental dysfunction, meaning they’re wacko, crazy, suffer from an addiction or enjoy a lifestyle choice including (but not limited to) drugs, alcohol or sex in the workplace, it is the responsibility of the corporation to restore that employee to viable mental status by confirming the employee’s action as valid. If the employee wants a sex change, it’s good – and the corporation should fully pay for it. If the employee is an alcoholic, it’s good! It’s not her fault. Pay her full wages! And maybe, just maybe, let her drink on the job – if it will make her calmer and happier.
#10. Fully fund day care. The children of employees should be the responsibility of the corporation. After all, if it weren’t for the corporation hiring and paying the employee, the employee might not have had children. So it’s the corporation’s liability to pay for and fund fully the children and their childcare. After all, “children are our future,” and the parents will be less stressed knowing their children are being looked after with corporate dollars in corporate day care centers.
#11. Save the world. Good corporate responsibility entails support of whatever cause is at the top of the list of actions that will save the world. This includes (but is not limited to) state-sponsored discrimination, private-sector discrimination, affirmative action, AIDS and of course, “the environment.” But whatever the cause du jour, corporations must fully fund it and support these causes, in order to demonstrate corporate responsibility.
#12. Conduct business – if and only if – you have time after implementing rules 1-11.
Now, you’re probably saying, “Rush, this is all what government does already!” Yes, I know. But the government is not as efficient in doing this, and they know it. They can also get more people in these programs by forcing corporations to pick up the slack. As our current See, I Told You So: Swift Notion details, people are begging the state of Massachusetts to “do something about” these evil multi-billion-dollar corporations losing money by filling Medicaid prescriptions.
The “corporate responsibility” mantra has become an attack on capitalism itself. Capitalism is the only moral system of economics ever conceived, despite all the feel-good promises of unworkable socialists and communists. It provides the most wealth for the most people – which means those people don’t need to pay off that liberal Church of Big Government because they’re free to pay their own way. Now do you see why liberals hate capitalism?