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“This phony-baloney, plastic-banana, good-time rock ‘n’ roller phony scandal over the firing of eight US attorneys is ripe for somebody to stand up and point out the hypocrisy of the Democrats. The Republicans had better realize this and wake up — or this is going to be their undoing.”
“If you give liberals a scalp they’re going to want five more. You can’t please these people! No matter what they ask for or demand, it’s still never going to be enough. Why this lesson is not yet learned, I don’t know.”
“Mrs. Bill Clinton said that Alberto Gonzales needs to resign, that this is just horrible, that this is just terrible. She has just painted a big bull’s-eye on the front and back of her tunic or her muumuu or her pantsuit or whatever it is she’s wearing out there today.”
“How convoluted is this? If you’re going to send a sympathy card to somebody after an abortion, shouldn’t it be the aborted fetus? How about this: ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m going for stem cell research.'”
“A couple more poem ideas for that e-card program with sympathy cards for abortions: ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m sorry we ran out of Plan B, and had to abort you.” Another one: ‘Roses are red, and of small girth, just be thankful yours, wasn’t a partial birth.'”
“I am here every day, filling you with an encyclopedia’s worth of knowledge and confidence and inspiration. You listen, you absorb it, you learn it, you love it, and you live it. It becomes as much a part of you as your right arm — if you’re right-handed.”
“You know, this is another one of those busy broadcast days where I realize just how much this country needs me. The country cannot do without me, and I just want you people to know that I know it.”
“The Breck Girl — John Edwards — is going carbon neutral. He’s pledged to run a campaign that would offset any contributions that he makes to global warming, like when he travels in a private jet. Hey Breck Girl — why don’t you try using gel instead of hair spray? That might help.”
“I have to tell you, I am offended by this notion that the vast right-wing conspiracy is ‘back.’ It never left, Mrs. Bill Clinton! And I am the Mister Big of the vast right-wing conspiracy!”
“Jennifer Garner says she cries for her daughter and herself over global warming. I loved her in Alias — this just tears me apart to learn that she’s a blithering idiot.”

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