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RUSH: Folks, we here at the EIB Network are going to get into the ‘toilet paper offset’ business. We’re going to start selling toilet paper credits for any of you idiots that want to follow the advice of Sheryl Crow and use one square of toilet paper per visit to the bathroom. Just like Algore buys carbon credits so he can continue to use as much energy as he wants while you reduce yours, we’ll make it possible so you can go out and use as much toilet paper as you have been or as much as you want just by buying toilet paper credits from us, and this will guarantee something will happen down the line to assuage your guilt. We don’t know what. The only question I have about Sheryl Crow is, ‘What is she going to do about the excrement for brains that she’s got?’ She has two repositories of it there, and toilet paper is only one means of dealing with it. This is just absurd. It’s, frankly, absurd, and these people wonder why Karl Rove has no desire to talk to them. The Smoking Gun has a thing (Drudge has it up on his website) about the demands that Sheryl Crow makes when she heads out on tour. She demands a bunch of buses and tractor-trailer trucks and phone lines and faxes and all kinds of adult beverages and so forth. Once again, I don’t care. They can do what they want, that’s fine with me, but it’s the hypocrisy of all this.

These people make no reductions in what they do. I want to see them use — well, I don’t want to see, but I want to hear about Sheryl Crow getting by with one square of toilet paper every time she goes in. Isn’t it sick to even think about this? As I say, the excrement for brains that she’s got, that’s going to require a whole ‘nother clean up method, too. I don’t know what she’s using for that now.

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: We have so much global warming news, two or three different chapters today. Maybe we’ll only get to one of them, but we gotta start with Sheryl Crow, whatever her name is, and Laurie David and the White House Correspondents Dinner on Saturday night. Here’s Paul Shanklin as Algore!

(Playing of ‘Ball of Fire’ Global Warming Update Theme Song.)

RUSH: It’s the EIB Network and the Rush Limbaugh program, and this is the global warming update featuring the antics of Sheryl Crow and Laurie David.

RUSH: (Continued playing of song.)

RUSH: Let it rip one more time. Algore.

(Continued playing of song.)

RUSH: Ball of Fire.

(Continued playing of song.)

RUSH: That’s a takeoff on Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. That’s Paul Shanklin as Algore and Ball of Fire, global warming update, EIB Network. Saturday night at the White House Correspondents Dinner, Karl Rove was sitting near the dais in a table with executives from the New York Times and reporters. They invited Karl Rove as their guest. I never go to this thing anymore because it’s phony. Actually, I’m kind of glad this happened, folks, because it illustrated the true tensions that exist here in this room. The White House Correspondents Dinner is held at the Washington Hilton every year. Three thousand people show up there, and they hate each other. The media hates the president. We all know that. They hate Rove. But, you know, politics is show biz for the ugly. So this is their Academy Awards essentially and they all go make nice for a night or at least they try to, but this year they were unable to pull it off, because they had a couple of amateurs in there, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, who made a beeline for Rove’s table, which was numbered 92.

Laurie David said, ‘I am floored by what I just experienced with Karl Rove. I went over to him. I said, ‘I urge you to take a new look at global warming.’ He went zero to a hundred with me. I never had anybody be so rude.” Rove’s version was, ‘She came over to insult me and she succeeded.” Now, who are we going to believe here? Are we going to believe that Rove felt he was insulted or that Laurie David thought, ‘Ah, we were just going over there to be nice telling him he’s gotta look at this in a more serious way’? Things got so hot that Sheryl Crow had to bulge in to diffuse the situation, and she got into it with Rove herself. ”You work for me,’ she told Rove. ‘No,’ was his response, ‘I work for the American people,’ and they came back with, ‘We are the American people.” We have a couple of audio sound bites here. This is from the Sunday morning Today Show, Lester Holt, talking to Sheryl Crow and Laurie David. He said, ‘Last night you had a unique opportunity. You met with Karl Rove. You had a chance to really try and talk to him about global warming. I understand that didn’t go so well.’

DAVID: We were so excited. I have never, all these years I’ve been working on this issue, had an opportunity to talk to someone directly in the administration. I mean, this was exciting for us, and we walked over to engage him. I mean, the first thing I said, was — I — I — I urge you to maybe take another look at what’s happening with global warming, and he immediately got kind of, you know —

CROW: Defensive.

DAVID: — gruff and hostile with us, and it kind of went downhill from there. So it was really just an attempt to engage him to talk directly to the administration, saying, ‘Look, we have to do something about this,’ and he — he wasn’t interested really in talking to us.

RUSH: Why should he be? (groans) This is the kind of stuff that nobody thinks is going to happen that night. (interruption) Yeah, she’s Laurie David! ‘You’ve gotta talk to me, Mr. Rove! I am Laurie David!’ By the way, I understand she’s very sensitive to criticism, which somebody should pass on to her. Laurie, when you enter the political arena — and that’s what global warming is. It’s a political issue, as evidenced by the fact you went up to Karl Rove, the White House chief political advisor to the president to talk about it, but nevertheless it’s a political issue. When you enter the political arena you’re going to get criticism from people who don’t agree with your side. Well, Sheryl Crow jumped in at that point, after Laurie David said, ‘He wasn’t really interested in talking to us.’

CROW: We’re very disappointed because really, honestly, this is going to be the most important issue of our lifetime. We need to stop arguing about it. The science is already out there and we need to move forward. It’s irresponsible at this point not to be addressing this, because we have kids out here who are going to be leading this country, and we need to really be addressing this.

RUSH: What do you mean? We are addressing it! We’ve been addressing it for all my broadcast career! Earth Day this, Earth Day that, global warming here. We’ve been addressing this to the point that people are fed up with it. For years people have been told, ‘Don’t drive that. Don’t turn that on.’ What do you mean we’ve got to address it? Everybody’s getting their dibs in on this, whatever they want to say. But notice, she says, ‘We need to stop arguing about it. The science is already out there.’ It is not out there, Sheryl. You’re being closed-minded on this. You’re not open to any other point of view. Why shouldn’t Rove go to your table and sit down and talk to you about how you’re wrong about this? Where does this presumption of arrogant condescension come from? It comes from being a liberal. The idea that the science is ‘already out there,’ and we need to ‘stop arguing,’ is quintessential liberal. There is no science. There’s ‘consensus,’ and when you have consensus, you can’t have science. Somebody needs to tell these two women this! There’s no science when there’s consensus.

When you have a huge number of scientists disagree with this, you cannot have science. This is politics. This is religion (and I have more to say about that here in just a second) but also for liberals, ‘There’s no debate. We’re not going to have debate! We’re going to shut it down. There’s no debate on this,’ and she admits it. So Holt says, ‘Well, Laurie, let me ask you, it’s been almost 40 years as we said since Earth Day was conceived. Why does it seem like only now in the last year or two that we have suddenly really started talking about global warming in a big way in this…?’ Lester, this is so frustrating, we’ve been talking about it since the 1970s. Go look at the (I almost uttered a bomb word there) Newsweek and whatever it was, TIME Magazine in the ’70s, when everybody thought it was global cooling. What do you mean? Go look at Paul Ehrlich’s Population Bomb. What do you mean the last two years? We have been inundated with this for the last 30 years. Anyway, here’s Laurie David’s answer.

DAVID: The weather is, unfortunately, cooperating with this issue. I mean, every — right now on your news today, another severe weather, um, event, and this is happening every single day. Global warming is extreme weather in both directions, and I think that finally the — the American people are starting to understand that. I mean, they’ve been grossly misinformed on this issue for a long time, so I think finally people are starting to understand what’s happening, and that humans are causing it. It’s happening now, but we can solve it.

RUSH: So ‘every severe weather event,’ exactly as I have said, every severe weather event is new, and it’s the result of global warming. There isn’t a severe weather event that happened this weekend or last week that has not happened before, countless millions of times. There’s not one. The reason the American people are starting to, quote, unquote, ‘understand’ this is because the little kids are being propagandized with Algore’s stupid movie in schools, and after 30 years of being browbeaten with this stuff, you’re obviously going to make some converts. Thirty years! Of course you’ve all heard about Sheryl Crow saying we need to get down here to just one square of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom. ‘We can make it work,’ she said, ‘We can make it work with only one square per restroom visit except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be a required.’ You want to describe the difference here between a regular restroom visit and a ‘pesky’ one? One square of toilet paper, and these people think they’re in the mainstream and that they are the advanced thinkers among us!

Sheryl, let me just warn you about something. If you actually try this, you actually go out and use one square, or even just three, for every pesky bathroom visit, the only thing you’re going to be attracting in the next couple days is flies. So what do they want us to do? They want us to ban gas. They want to ban lightbulbs. They want to ban charcoal lighter fluid. They want to ban smoking. They want to ban nuclear energy. They want to ban trans-fat. They want to ban Wal-Mart. They want to ban lights at night. They want to ban air-conditioning during the day. They want to ban fire on a cold night. They want to ban killing animals for food. Now they want to ban toilet paper! Ban, ban, ban! Ban everything! Get rid of everything. We humans, why don’t we ban ourselves? Let’s just commit a mass worldwide suicide, Laurie and Sheryl. One other thing about this before we go to the break. This is a religion to these people, as you can tell. What is happening is — and we’ve been through this constantly over and over and over again and my theory on how this is just a religion, they just have a different god.

The god is the planet. It’s got every element. It’s got the Garden of Eden. It’s got sin. It’s got salvation. It’s got guilt. It’s got higher taxes. It’s got tithing. It’s got all these things in it. Can you imagine if a famous conservative Christian publicly voiced their religious practices, and told every American they had to adopt them, right now, or we’re going to destroy the planet because the last days are coming, ‘It’s right there in revelation!’ Can you imagine if any Christian minister went out there and talked and talked about particularly the Apocalypse as it is in Revelation on a daily basis with the media hype? Can you imagine? That conservative would be shouted out of the mainstream. Actually, the conservative has been shouted out of the mainstream. But imagine if a Christian talked about Christianity the way these people are talking about their religion, and said, ‘There’s no argument and there’s no debate and you’re going to hell unless you do what I say!’ Can you imagine the outcry? I will wait for the next post in response to me by these two lovely women, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, where they blog at the Huffing and Puffington Post, because that’s where they respond to me.

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: I have an idea for Sheryl Crow on this toilet paper business. Replace toilet paper with the New York Times and use as much of it as you want. Get as many copies every day. Fill it up. Laurie David, on your GV (which is a large corporate jet that will fly New York to Tokyo with one giant carbon footprint without stopping for fuel), do the same thing. I have a friend out in Hollywood, and his take on these people is they can’t believe how lucky they’ve gotten, so all of this is their own soul purging. They want to be known for who they are, rather than the characters they play or the performances they do. They want to be known for something other than an actor, actress, producer, or what have you. So they glom onto these leftist issues. Of course all this is true, unless they don’t get the A table at the charity dinner, and then they stay home. They’ve gotta get the A table at the charity dinner where all the flashbulbs are, and if that doesn’t happen then they stay home and they wallow in their misery that they don’t matter and they don’t care and they’re not loved and all this sort of stuff. Now, what are the toilet paper manufacturers going to do here? She’s serious, folks. We sit here and we laugh at it, and it is uproariously funny. But stop and think. Let’s take this down the path.

Let’s say that some idiot in Congress actually proposes a law that toilet paper, you can only use one square per visit (maybe two or three object to the form of the question ‘pesky visits,’ as Sheryl Crow says), and let’s not even think about who’s going to enforce it. Let’s go further than that. What would the toilet paper manufacturers do? Do you think they’re just going to sit here and be forced to go out of business like the buggy whip industry? Do you think Charmin is going to sit there and put up with this or whoever else makes this stuff? Of course not! You know what they would do? They would still make toilet paper with ‘one square,’ but perforations would be two feet apart. There are countless ways around this kind of naïveté. Or maybe each square would end up becoming a rectangle three feet apart. Each perf’ would be three feet from the next perf’ so when you rip off ‘a square,’ you’re ripping off three feet. You’d have black market toilet paper, oh, yeah, and that would be the really good stuff. The black market toilet paper, that would be the really good stuff. Well, it just would be. But what will happen here, entrepreneurs in the toilet paper business would be out there, they’d figure out the loopholes (no pun intended). They’ll figure out the loopholes and they’ll exploit them to meet the needs of people. The needs of people are what drive all this, not a bunch of religious leftist zealots trying to force a lifestyle they won’t even live on all the rest of us.

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: All right, let’s cut to the chase on this toilet paper business, shall we? The fact of the matter is that the women we’re talking about here today, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, no doubt use a bidet. Well, that’s fine. If you have a bidet you can just dry off with a towel. You don’t have to use any toilet paper if you have a bidet. (interruption) Well, not on a bus tour, that’s true. There’s no bidet in the bus. Well, you never know. She may be demanding one be installed in the venues where she’s going to play. You never know. These rock stars demand all kinds of stuff. But not everybody has a bidet and they’re not out there suggesting everybody get a bidet because that’s just another toilet, essentially, using more water. So they’re advocating. You think these women are actually going to use one square of toilet paper, folks? I’ll make this deal. I make this pledge right now on the EIB Network. If it can be proven — and I’m going to have to see it. (Maybe I don’t want to see it, but you’ll know what I mean.) If it can be proven that Algore will only use one sheet of toilet paper, then I, too, will only use one sheet of toilet paper. As I say, I’m going to have to have proof. I have to see it — maybe not see it, but you know what I mean — and of course when Sheryl Crow talks about these ‘pesky visits’ now, who is she talking about? What are these pesky visits to the bathroom? Well, we all know, but two or three? Fine. If it could be shown that Rosie O’Donnell will only use one square of toilet paper, then I’ll join this club, because the dirty little secret is I have a bidet. I have two. I’ve never yet figured out how to use the stupid thing, but I’ve got two of them. (They were put in when I had no choice in the matter.) Normal, Illinois, Chris, welcome to the EIB Network.

CALLER: Hi, Rush. How you doing? Mega dittos.

RUSH: I’m fine, thank you. Nice to have you.

CALLER: I’ll tell you, you are the Maha. You helped me develop so many political arguments for my leftist friends, and you could help me lose weight and probably help my golf swing.

RUSH: I could do that now!

CALLER: (laughing)

RUSH: I think I probably could.

CALLER: Correct me if I’m wrong, though, isn’t this correspondents dinner, I mean it’s like an unwritten rule that you don’t come in like this.

RUSH: Yes, it is. It is.

CALLER: You’re supposed to leave your political agendas kind of at the door.

RUSH: Well, other than the comedians, who are the entertainers. They can go wherever they want to go. It’s interesting that Bush didn’t do a joke routine this year and Rich Little was the entertainment. He apparently was very down key because of Virginia Tech. So they were all disappointed in there. They wanted a bunch of depravity at this dinner. They didn’t get it, so they had to make it themselves.

CALLER: Can you imagine somebody like — I just keep thinking like a Charlton Heston went to the gun control people and were saying, you know, you know, ‘Right to bear arms! Right to bear arms,’ they would hang him out to dry. They’d say he doesn’t know the ethics. He doesn’t know the protocol.

RUSH: No, no, no, Charlton Heston was the president of the NRA. Who do you mean?

CALLER: That’s what I mean. If he went during a Clinton or —

RUSH: Oh, oh, oh.

CALLER: — Carter administration and went to that same dinner, the media would be all over him about breaking the protocol.

RUSH: No, I… (sigh) Possibly. Possibly. Let me say something about that, because you’re talking basically about boorish behavior, at best — and in other instances, it’s worse. Now, when it comes to the White House Correspondents Dinner, I’ve been to, I think, three of them, and after the third one when Clinton called me a racist because I was defending Janet Reno because she was being attacked by John Conyers, it was not even fun, and it was phony as it could be. As I say, this is an event for politicians. It’s their Hollywood night; it’s their Oscars, and politics is show biz for the ugly. That’s why they have certain Hollywood entertainers show up. The big name this year was that loser from — what is it? — American Idol, Sanjaya, is that his name? Sanjaya, whatever. He was the big draw. But my objection to this is that everybody — well, given the makeup of Washington, over half the people — in that room of 3,000 despise George Bush and yet they’re going to act nice and they’re going to act like all the stuff they’ve said about him over all these years doesn’t matter, then the next day they jump right back in as though the night never happened. So the idea is the White House correspondents get together to honor each other, give out awards to each other and some young budding up-and-coming journalists and so forth, but you’re right. There’s an unwritten rule that the night is phony.

If it were real, nobody’d get along because the partisan divisions that existed at four o’clock that afternoon would not be put to bed at seven o’clock that night, and the problem with it is when these people act like they can put these things to bed at seven o’clock for five hours, it shows…what? That they’re being phony the rest of the time or they’re being phony for those five hour. Regardless, they’re phonies at some point in their lives, and for me, it’s not a place I want to be. It’s just not my place. I get invited now and then. I was invited by three different groups this year. I just… (sigh) No way. It isn’t fun, plus you gotta wear a tuxedo for that long. I wear a tuxedo to a cigar dinner. It’s all guys. It’s all friends. That’s fine and dandy, but this? It’s a zoo. Now, about your theory about what the media would write, if Charlton Heston went to the White House Correspondents Dinner and charged up to, say, Dee Dee Myers during the dinner and started railing against the White House and gun control, what the media would write. You’re probably right, now that I think about it. They had a great time writing about this Sheryl Crow and Laurie David accosting Karl Rove. However, in all the Virginia Tech discussion last week and the ‘coarsening of the culture’ and how we and my buddies on talk radio are the focus of blame on this now, one of the things I’ve noticed as an observer and as a student — a doctoral student.

I have a doctorate in studying the media. I’m degreed out the wazoo in this. I have noted over the years when there’s been an MTV awards ceremony, if the emcee is not throwing the F-bomb around every other minute, if there’s no ribald humor, no gutter humor, they write the next day about what a boring show it was. It’s the same thing with the Oscars. Have you noticed when you read reviews of the Oscars, how dull they are said to be? If they’re classy and cultured, if there are no political digs, if it’s just good old-fashioned wholesome entertainment, do you ever notice how dull the Oscars are? So my point is, in this case we’re talking about the entertainment media, you can’t exempt them or leave them out of the equation because they’re out there getting bored when stuff like what happened with Karl Rove and Laurie David doesn’t happen. Now, the stuff with Karl Rove and Laurie David was not anything beyond boorish. It was just bad behavior and so forth. It wasn’t profane or any of that but it did violate this unwritten rule that makes things like this somewhat appropriate. Laurie David, Sheryl Crow, ‘You work for me.’ ‘No, I work for the American people.’ ‘We are the American people.’ Well, Rove probably makes 140. I’m going to guess Rove makes 140, 150. There are 300 million people in this country. So divide 140,000 by 300 million you’ll find out how much of that is being paid by Sheryl Crow, and that’s a good indication of how much or how little Rove needs to listen to her. At any rate, a lot of people probably want to weigh in on this and if I keep going there’s not going to be anything left to say, because once I say it it’s all handled. Here’s Paul in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. It’s nice to have you on the program, sir. It’s nice to talk to you.

CALLER: Great to talk to you, Rush. It’s just wonderful from beautiful northern Wisconsin here, but, you know, I think the media is getting it all wrong. The real reason Karl Rove didn’t want to talk to Sheryl Crow was because he probably didn’t want to shake her hand because he saw her coming out of the bathroom.


RUSH: (Laughing.) Everybody wants to get in on the act! I’ve said, folks, and I love you people on the phones, ‘Don’t try this at home.’ The great, like me, make this look easy. What happened was they went up and they grabbed his arm. They went up to him. They didn’t ‘respect his space.’ As good liberals, they violated his space. They went up and grabbed his arm, that’s what I have been told. That’s something you don’t do. Madeleine in Melbourne, Florida. Hello, madam. You’re next. It’s nice to have you.
CALLER: Yes, sir.

RUSH: Yes.

CALLER: I just wanted to say, I heard this ridiculous mess of the Sheryl Crow nonsense. I pulled up the Drudge Report, and for fun I decided to try this, and it is just physically impossible, and —

RUSH: Wait, wait, wait, wait! You tried the one square?

CALLER: Well, not that I want to try it. I pulled one sheet off and I was looking at this — you can’t. It rolls up to the size of a penny. I don’t know what the heck you’re supposed to do. You can’t blow your nose. You can’t do anything with it. This is utter insanity.

RUSH: Well, now, wait. Did you try the four ply, or were you using the cheaper two-ply from the discount stores?

CALLER: Oh, no. (laughs) I had the Angel Soft two-ply. So it’s not the Scott one sheeter, so… (laughs)

RUSH: (laughing) Can you…? But the point is, we’re all laughing about it today, and we all know how utterly ridiculous it is. Do you understand? Do you understand she’s serious?

CALLER: Yeah. Unfortunately, I do, but I don’t understand why the American people are so gullible and they fall for this. Because she’s a rock star, supposedly?

RUSH: Wait, wait, wait. What evidence do you have that the American people are actually out there doing this now?

CALLER: Oh, no, I’m not saying that they’re doing it, but people — like younger people — they listen to whoever’s going to be voting, like in voting things, they’ll get —

RUSH: This is one of those things where one attempt, I think, might show most people that it’s pointless to pick this up and make it a habit. Here’s the lesson. She’s serious about this. Now, I fully expect, by the way, before the end of the day, ‘We were just joking to make a point,’ is what they’ll say, but they’re serious about it. They’re serious about this. Put this in the hopper with everything else being said about global warming, and I went through the list. Let me get the list. We’ve gotta ban light bulbs! They want us ban light bulbs, ban toilet paper, ban barbecues, ban charcoal briquettes, ban gasoline, ban oil, ban trans-fats, ban smoking. Everything to them is a ban, including this toilet paper business. You’ve gotta throw this in the hopper and you have to put it in context with everything they’re saying and measure it. If they can be this, gee, off the wall or naïve — while sounding totally committed and caring and compassionate — what about all the other demands they’re making? And of course in this one instance, ask them, ‘Are you gonna do it? Are you gonna do it?’ You know they’re not. That’s why they made the allowance for the two to three squares for those ‘pesky visits.’

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: I just got a note from a friend of mine in Palm Springs. He says, ‘You know, this bidet, I didn’t know that was what it was for. I use it as my dog’s drinking fountain.’ I tried that with my cat, Punkin, and it’s not a full stream, so she wouldn’t have anything to do with it. I have another offer to make. Not only will I use only one square of toilet paper if it can be categorically proven to me if Algore and Rosie O’Donnell are using only one, I will not use any toilet paper for a month if the amount that I would use in a month would be accepted by Laurie David and Sheryl Crow and stuffed in their mouths so they couldn’t speak for that month. (tapping desk) Well, I’m a cooperative person. I want to work with these people. We’re trying to find compromise on all these issues, are we not?

BREAK TRANSCRIPT

RUSH: Folks, I’m also thinking of offering to underwrite the remaining bus tour of Laurie David and Sheryl Crow if they’ll keep talking about this toilet paper stuff, because I think everybody should hear this. The more people that hear this, the better off we’re all going to be.

END TRANSCRIPT

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