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“You’re the last person, Mrs. Clinton, who ought to be talking about what anybody would find on the Oval Office rug.”

“We all have huge smiles on our faces today, folks, and for a plethora of reasons. The weekend totals for our Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Cure-A-Thon are in: try $3 million. My gosh, it’s unbelievable!”

“Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, I will promise to underwrite the rest of your global warming bus tour so long as at every appearance, every television show, and every concert you continue to advocate the single-square-of-toilet-paper solution to global warming.”

“Sheryl Crow, let me just warn you about something: if you actually try this — only use one square of toilet paper for every bathroom visit — the only thing you’re going to be attracting in the next couple of days is flies.”

“If it could be shown that Al Gore and Rosie O’Donnell will only use one square of toilet paper, then I’ll join this club. But the dirty little secret is I have a bidet. I’ve never figured out how to use the stupid thing, though; they were put in when I had no choice in the matter.”

“White House Correspondents Dinner is an event for politicians; it’s their Hollywood night, it’s their Oscars — that’s why they have certain Hollywood entertainers show up. The big name this year was that loser from American Idol, Sanjaya. Is that his name?”

“I just got a note from a friend of mine: ‘I didn’t know that was what a bidet was for. I use it as my dog’s drinking fountain.’ I tried that with my cat, Punkin, but it’s not a full stream, so she wouldn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Global warming is a religious movement; believers just call their faith ‘consensus.’ But what if I were to say, ‘There’s a consensus around the world among Catholics, Christians, and Protestants that you’re going to go to hell if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ.’ What would the left’s reaction be?”

“I have lost eight pounds in a week, and my staff is pooh-poohing it and making fun of me. A lesser person would have gotten a hot dog and said, ‘to hell with it’, but I’m not doing this for the notice of others.”

“The only question I have about Sheryl Crow is, what is she going to do about the excrement for brains that she has? And these people wonder why Karl Rove has no desire to talk to them?”

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