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“What is it that permits a United States senator like Dianne Feinstein to decide what is ‘correct reporting’? Does that not scare you?”

“I have decided today, as the man who runs America, to move Trent Lott from the Senate back to the House. I have also decided that tax cuts are no longer temporary — they are permanent — and that September will be American Excellence Month.”

“Look at this headline: ‘Study Says Eldest Children Have Higher IQs.’ Well, that’s me! I am a firstborn. Brian, are you a firstborn? Nope? I knew it. Dawn, you are? Well, that’s surprising. Just kidding.”

“The Senate wants to ram this immigration bill down everybody’s throat without anybody seeing what’s in it. They complain that we don’t know what’s in it, but we do — that’s the problem. We are responding to this on substance, and that’s what bothers the powerful elites.”

“You listen to this program for a variety of reasons, and the primary reason is to hear me. I have yet to hear somebody say, ‘You know that one caller? My God! I’ve never heard anything like that! That was great!'”

“This is going to be a short segment here, folks, because I was so eloquent in that last one that not even I had the discipline to stop myself. I love hearing myself — especially when I’m right, which is most of the time.”

“We have a piece of legislation — it’s called the Simpson-Mazzoli act — and if it were just enforced we wouldn’t have this immigration problem. But this word ‘enforcement’ seems to escape everybody at the federal level.”

“When all these immigration rallies took place with people waving their Mexican flags and demanding that the law not apply to them… I’m sorry, but the idea that we are responsible for making them mad is just the opposite. Snerdley can’t believe I had the guts to say that. I’m on a roll.”

“I went to Vermont this past week. Never set foot in Vermont before, and so we had to arm up EIB 1. We put some chaff on there in case the liberals saw the tail logo and opened fire on it.”

“So that was Senator Kennedy singing on the #1-rated Spanish language radio station in Los Angeles. You know, I would be inclined to say that this happened after happy hour started, but this was a morning radio show.”

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