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“On the Fourth of July, everybody has hamburgers and hot dogs. If you’re Chris Dodd and Ted Kennedy, you do a waitress sandwich.”

“Joe Wilson — this idiot — is out there demanding a congressional investigation now to see if Bush has obstructed justice with the commutation of Scooter Libby’s sentence. The pardon and commutation powers of the president are absolute! Idiot!”

“The Edwards campaign is starting to get a little worried about Elizabeth; she’s showing up and saying things that are not cleared, apparently. Of course, those of us who have been married three times know how this works.”

“Did you hear what Mrs. Clinton said about this, folks? ‘This commutation sends the clear signal that in this administration, cronyism and ideology trump competence and justice.’ How in the hell can she say that with a straight face?”

“The new British prime minister said, ‘don’t say terrorists are Muslims,’ and that we shouldn’t use the phrase ‘war on terror.’ So I guess they’ve elected a John Edwards of their own.”

“Communism kills — that’s the big lesson of communism.”

“What is the carbon footprint of this stupid Live Earth concert that Algore’s going to do? All these dirty, filthy, smelly patrons of rock showing up, smoking their dope and doing whatever… It’s has to be huge.”

“The biggest problem that we’re making is trying to reorganize our lives so that we don’t offend these militant Muslims. Frankly, I’m fed up with it. They’re the ones that offend me. They’re the ones that are living in the Dark Ages.”

“Oh, look: the bald eagle is no longer endangered. Does that mean we can start shooting them again? I’m just kidding. I would never do that to the bald eagle.”

“Folks, I hope you have a great Independence Day tomorrow with all the fireworks and backyard barbecues. Take a moment, though, and remember what it’s really all about and cherish it.”

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