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“Liberalism is all about spreading misery equally, and they call that ‘fairness.'”

“The US Department of Agriculture has released reports stating that when you smell cow manure, you are also smelling greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, Mr. Snerdley, we’re smelling poop, but what is the ingredient that they claim is a greenhouse gas? Methane — but methane doesn’t smell!”

“Do you think if 12 million Americans said, ‘Screw it! I’m not paying taxes!’ the government would say, ‘We can’t track down these people. Let’s just give them amnesty’?”

“Lindsey Graham said it’s his job to go to Washington and work with Democrats. No, it’s not. Go in there and debate them and defeat them! In fact, we did the job that Lindsey Grahamnesty should have been doing.”

“How can you, Nancy Pelosi, after all the things that you have said to demoralize the troops serving this country, sit there and talk about ‘hate speech’ on radio?”

“Let’s see, what am I? I’m the man who runs America. You know it and I know it. AndI’m now a ‘generator of simplicity,’ according to Dingy Harry. I’m also an ‘untamed piece of the Republican message machine.’ I guess that pretty much covers it.”

“The illegals wouldn’t have had to pay one cent in fines unless they sought a pathway to citizenship, and the odds of that happening were slim to none. And slim left town a long time ago.”

“You are the most informed audience in all of American broadcasting, not according to me, but according to the Pew Center for People in the Press. I’d say the way for you Democrats to fix your problem here is to find a way to make my listeners as dumb as your voters.”

“Headline: ‘Climate Change Behind Darfur Killing.’ Well, we can all breathe a huge sigh of relief because for a while there I thought it was barbaric Islamofascists killing off the blacks and Christians in a religious-based genocidal frenzy!”

“Brian, you have to check that humidor sometime today. This cigar is so dry! I can’t smoke that! Here I had a victory cigar all ready to go, and it’s falling apart! I hope that’s not an omen.”

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