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“Your incredible loyalty to this program — we all appreciate it here more than you will ever know.”

“Boy, I’ll tell you, I would not want to be Pakistan’s president today, Pervez Musharraf. Poor guy wakes up today and learns that Barack Obama wants to invade his country.”

“I have a political aversion to blue jeans. I’m biased against them; I really am. They just are not comfortable! They make me feel like I’m wearing burlap.”

“In the 60s I looked at the people wearing tie-dyes, T-shirts, blue jeans — those long-haired, maggot-infested types and said, ‘That ain’t going to be me.'”

“I just saw this crawl on the Fox News Channel… In Jacksonville, Florida some 75-year-old guy claimed that a hooker held him hostage for two weeks. Wonder if she’s available next week. Ha! Dawn can’t believe I said that!”

“Would somebody explain to me why anybody ever listened to Louis Farrakhan?”

“Look at all of the names that George Bush has been called, all the things he’s been accused of. And what does he do? He ignores it and stays focused on his job. The Washington Post runs a little piece on Mrs. Clinton’s cleavage, and it’s, ‘Stop the presses!'”

“The news is reporting that emigration from the United States to Canada has increased dramatically, and that the people leaving are mostly liberals. Yes! They’re finally following through on their promises!”

“It’s hard not to take for granted the prosperity, the abundance, and the affluence that we have in this country. We have high expectations as a result of it, and we should: we’re the world leader.”

“Rush Limbaugh, #1 one among Pakistani cabdrivers in New York City. We own that market. They love this show.”

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