RUSH: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you, I saw this story last night, and it’s one of the things that kept me up. I was diligently researching this last night, and I wanted to be able to come on the air and provide ‘expert verification’ of this, but I have been unable. So we are just going to have to rely on the assertions here. It’s from Live Science. We could call this story: ‘Science Keeps Bouncing Along.’ Here’s the headline: ‘Exercise…’ (Laughing) ‘Exercise…’ (Laughing) It’s very unprofessional for the host to laugh at his own material. No, I was not exercising last night. Well, mentally, of course, yes, my brain never stops. ‘Exercise Unleashes a Bounce that Bras Cannot Handle.’ The subhead here: ”Breasts fly up and down a distance of up to 8 inches, study says.’ — Whether women are said to be flat-chested or big-busted, ordinary bras fall short when it comes to supporting bouncing breasts, a new study claims. And, during exercise, women’s breasts bounce more than previously estimated, moving a vertical distance of up to around eight inches compared with a past maximum measurement of six inches.’
Now, you’ve gotta envision this. You have to envision the researchers here. I formed this picture of who these people are. These are probably a couple of geeks with pocket protectors and white lab coats running around, and they’re just fulfilling little fantasies here. By the way, you got a disagreement here. You’ve got one geek with the pocket protector in his shirt pocket saying, ‘No, it’s six inches,’ and the other says, ‘No, it’s eight.’ So they’re slapping themselves around arguing over two inches here of vertical bounce of the female breasts during exercise. This gives me a new perspective on global warming, folks, the kind of people that do research. Now, here’s the next paragraph. ‘The bouncing, in some cases with breasts weighing 20 pounds or more, can prove painful and damaging to the limited natural support system.’
Now, it is at this point that I said I need additional research. Twenty pound breasts? Now, by the way, folks, I’m not trying to be a high-school kid here. This is intriguing to me. I went to my weights-and-measures table. Do you know what a gallon of water weighs? Take a stab. No, it’s nine. But it varies because of evaporation. We’ll make it ten pounds, round it up. Have you ever carried a gallon of water around? Imagine two of those to get a total of 20 pounds. This is where I began my research, no hands-on experience here. I was unable to come up with anybody who had any answers for me automatically on this. If there are such women out there, they don’t need special bras, they need breast-reduction surgery. I’ll guarantee you these women are not exercising anyway. They’re using this as an excuse not to exercise. One of the study’s authors said, ‘It’s only recently that bra design has turned to science.’ This person is a biomechanics professor at the University of Portsmouth in England. There’s a whole section here on breast biomechanics. This is another thing that caused me to do research, and again, ladies and gentlemen, I came up with no answers. Maybe some of you can help.
‘During walking exercise, the women’s breasts moved relatively the same amount in all directions. But when participants sped up to a jog or run, their breasts moved proportionally more in some directions than others: More than 50 percent of the total movement was in the up-down direction, 22 percent side-to-side,’ and this is the one I cannot figure out, ‘and 27 percent in-and-out. The overall pattern of the movement resembled a figure-eight.’ (interruption) What’s the scientific term for this? Jiggle? Mr. Snerdley, you’ve missed the point here. There may be a scientific term for this, jiggle, but you gotta remember, these pocket-protector geeks are doing this hands-on research. I don’t know how they’re doing it, but they’ve come up with the movement in proportion. Fifty percent of the total movement up and down, 22% side-to-side, 27% in and out. These stories make me come across as naive and uneducated, uninformed, high schoolish and backwards but, folks, I just have to tell you, the only experience I have with in-and-out is below the waist. I can’t figure this out.
RUSH: Scathing e-mails are arriving from subscribers at Rush 24/7 at RushLimbaugh.com. (laughing) One of them said, ‘I am shocked and stunned to hear you spend all that time on that last story about breast research. I thought you were more old-fashioned than that.’ Ladies and gentlemen… (interruption) No, it was not Dawn. She may have said it. I didn’t hear it if she said it. This is an e-mail. There are a couple of them like that, but this one said, ‘I thought you were more old-fashioned than that.’ Ladies and gentlemen, I have mentioned this on this program countless times, but many years ago, and I probably need to remind you: ‘I am old-fashioned…above the waist only,’ and that’s the part that counts on this program. So you can rest assured.
RUSH: We’re going to Wichita next. Jessica. Hi, Jessica, welcome to the EIB Network.
CALLER: Hi. How are you doing?
RUSH: Fine and dandy. Never better.
CALLER: Wonderful! Mega dittos.
RUSH: Thank you.
CALLER: I’ve been listening to you since I was a little girl.
RUSH: A Rush Baby. Another Rush Baby checking in with us here.
CALLER: Yes, sir. And, anyway, you’ve been educating me for years.
CALLER: And I thought I would help to educate you.
RUSH: On what?
CALLER: The, um…breast research.
RUSH: Oh. Are you sure you want to do this?
CALLER: I have to.
RUSH: Hang on. Hang on. This happened about an hour and a half ago, almost two hours ago, and people may not know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to have to go through the whole thing, but two geeks, folks, two researchers went out there and studied the movement of the female breast during exercise. They found that there’s an eight-inch up-and-down movement out there, and it becomes really problematic when you get to the 20-pound threshold there. That’s the first thing in the story that gave me pause. I spent last night researching this and I couldn’t find anybody to give me any answers. They said the movements of the breast are basically up and down, sideways, and in and out, and that also puzzled me. But it was the 20-pound thing that got me because I know a gallon of water is like nine or ten pounds. So these guys, obviously these kinds of researchers wearing pocket protectors in the shirt pocket there, what a life they assign themselves. So that’s what she’s calling about, and I admitted I was looking for verification and answers on this because I don’t take the word of researchers. Okay. So educate me, Jessica.
CALLER: Um… (snicker) Well, I can definitely tell you, as a…very gifted woman up top (giggles) mine have never moved in and out, and I have never, ever, heard of that in my life.
RUSH: Well, good, because that means my instincts were right, and I should trust my instincts.
CALLER: Yes, you should. Um… I’ve had doctors tell me that the best exercise for me would be swimming, and I’ve tried that, and I can’t breathe because they float up into my throat. So I can understand.
RUSH: Pshew! Another thing I have never heard said before.
CALLER: (laughing) Now, I’ve never had the inclination to weigh them.
RUSH: How would you?
CALLER: I… I have no clue.
RUSH: Another thing I don’t know.
CALLER: But, uh… (giggles)
RUSH: I mean, I know how you weigh your pet. You get on the scale, check your weight, and then you pick up your pet and you get on the scale and see what the new weight is so you know what your pet weighs. I’m sure these researchers have a method for this because the calculations are in the story.
CALLER: Well, it just does not seem logical to weigh a breast.
RUSH: Does any of this stupid story seem logical to you? (laughing)
CALLER: No. (giggles) I don’t think that having large breasts should defer women from exercising, though.
RUSH: Okay, does it defer you from exercise? You said you can’t swim because it floats into your throat.
CALLER: Well, I can do the backstroke. But I’m definitely not running cross-country, that’s for sure.
RUSH: Hell, no! I wouldn’t think so. I think by the time you get to that level of endowment that you’re referring to here in the case of you —
RUSH: — that would be painful. That would be counterproductive. You wouldn’t do it long enough to have the exercise pay off.
CALLER: No, definitely not.
RUSH: There are other ways.
CALLER: And it actually tears the tissue, on the inside.
CALLER: But I have been lifting weights and, you know, so there are exercises that you can do.
RUSH: Have you ever tried golf?
RUSH: You like it?
RUSH: You know, your swing ought to be pretty good because you’ve gotta copy your arms straight.
CALLER: (big laugh)
RUSH: Well, look, it is what it is. I’m doing my Ben Wright impersonation here, but you keeping your arms straight is one of the keys.
CALLER: Well, keeping my arms straight is not really that much of a possibility, not swinging from… I mean, from…
RUSH: No, no. That’s good. We’ll just accept it on your own testimony.
RUSH: Look, I’m glad you called, Jessica. I appreciate it.
CALLER: Thank you.
RUSH: Thank you so much. That’s what I was looking for last night. I was looking for somebody to give me some sort of help on this research project. Now, I know a lot of you guys were asking me for specifics. ‘What are the specifics? What does she have?’ I wasn’t going to go into that. Folks, this is a program of dignity, and culture, and class, and I was not going to go there and ask for specifics from this woman on that. You should be ashamed of yourselves if that’s what was going through your mind.
RUSH: We had a couple people on the phones that were going to explain to us how to weigh the female breasts, I said, ‘Come on, we’ve done this enough. We need to move on with the serious stuff.’ Now I have scientists submitting to me PowerPoint presentations on how this could be done. I just sent it to you, Brian, so you can show ’em in there. They’re thinking of submitting this for patent. This one that’s on my computer now, it’s just a breast example from Madonna, and it’s a cone, and it has all these intricate formulas for it. So it’s the entrepreneurial spirit at work, ladies and gentlemen, among members of this audience.